I got the job!

Can't wait to tell my boss to shove it!

Hello Dan,

We have received and reviewed your resume. Your qualification is acceptable for Company Representative.

Vacancy: Administrative Assistant.


As our administrative assistant you will be working the average of 5-8 hours per week while earning an average of £800-£1600 per month. DS Trading Company has been in business since 2001, with the head office located in New York, US, and branches in Eastern Europe. We offer a variety of services to our clients, including - reselling and selling, providing auction services, and uniting sellers with administrative assistants worldwide to contribute to the productivity of the sales force.

Here are the frequently asked questions that will help you to understand better how our company works and what is the role of the administrative assistants and their responsibilities.

Who are the sellers?
All sellers have at least two years of experience in selling through major auctions such as Ebay, Qxl, and Amazon. All sellers have at least 98% positive feedback score, with at least 30 feedbacks. The sellers can be located anywhere in the world Paris, New York, Moscow, Vena, Sydney, Delhi, or any other location.

Where are the items sold?
Items are sold through top online websites such as Ebay, Amazon Auctions, Big Deals, QXL, and more.

What are the items sold?
Main items sold are: consumer electronics, jewelry, and collectibles.

What is the administrative assistant's role?
Administrative assistant's role is to unite the seller and the buyer by location.
For example, the seller is located in Paris, and wants to sell the item through UK auction site to a buyer within UK;
we will enhance the shopper's experience and increase sales by having a representative within that region of sales.

Your duties will include:
Monitoring of sales data in your region of the United Kingdom.
Receiving the clients payings.
Sorting outgoing/ingoing correspondence on request.
Provide necessary information to all the offices and vendors involved.

Is this position connected with selling or payment processes?
How the purchases notifications are sent?
The position of administrative assistant includes payments collecting and correspondence maintaining. The administrative assistant is not required to be a sales person. The buyer and seller manage the situation if the exchange is required. You will be informed by e-mail as soon as a deal is agreed, purchasing happens. The information will include buyer, purchase and pricing details. You will be working from your home office around your schedule.

Offered benefits.
We guarantee two vacations twice a year, two weeks each. While you are on vacation the compensation will be £800. You have to work for the company at least 3 months to take your first vacation. Special discounts on our items are available for our workers. We pay your taxes. We will send you an invoice declaring your income, you state the taxes and we pay the amount.

Will I be required to make any investments in the project?
How the salary is paid out?
You will not have to invest. All the organization fees are paid by the company. The salary varies between £800 and £1600. 10% of every transfer received from a customer is yours. If your month income is below £800 the company pays out the difference to you, sending it as a check or wire transfer.

Will wait for your answer!

And here is my answer

Hey, sweet cheeks. Thanks for the job offer. I'm very grateful and would like to take you up on it. I do have a few questions about the company though. As you can probably tell, I am an ambitious man. I'm not casting aspersions here, but I think some people are suited to be the administrative assistants of the world. Captains of industry like you and I, babe, are probably destined for greater things. And the best thing is that this sounds like a piece of piss way to make money. So what are my career progression opportunities? I mean, in all seriousness, I don't want to be fucking around at the bottom of the food chain for too long. I'm looking for an agreed promotion within the first six months to managerial level, and ideally a seat on the board within a year. I have a few hundred thousand dollars in a bank account that I am seriously looking to invest in a legitimate company just so's to kill the heat on a bit if you get my drift, and I think it could be a very interesting arrangement if I were to become a major investor in your business, don't you?

Anyway, that's all for the future. For now, let's talk logistics. Do I get a company car and mobile? An iPhone would be best, so I can check those auctions on the move, while I'd love a Mondeo as a set of wheels. Something I can really pimp and attract some quality bitches with. Also, business cards. I like business cards. When will they turn up? do you have a company logo? If not, I can draw you one for no extra charge.

Do let me know, I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Peace out, mo fo.

Dan

New year - new job?

Got an email offering me the chance to earn big bucks doing fuck all. Guess they'll only need my bank details so they can start to pay me, huh? But I wonder just how competitive the selection process for this dream job is? See their email to me, and my response - complete with CV.


Hello,

International company is hiring! We are looking for for employees within the whole territory of the United Kingdom. We hire personnel at the age of 21 to 70 for rather easy work on processing of the incoming orders and performancing of simple management duties.

You don't have to be a professional or to have special training. We also don't require working experience in any field; all you need for this job are:

- Good communication skills.
- Ability to accurately follow the instructions on the solving the required tasks.
- Ready to work 5-8 hours per week.
- Ability to work with Word and Excel.
- E-mail and internet experience (minimal).

This job is ideal students, mothers, pensioners and people who are looking for the part-time job perfectly well.

All the candidates will be selected and checked on the competitive basis. To submit your application, please, send us your CV or profile to the following address:

e-mail: XXXXX

After resume approbation you'll receive detailed job information.

My answer (from my new alter-ego, Dan Humpage)

Dear Lisa,

Many thanks for your recent email regarding part-time work opportunities. Please find my CV attached. When can I start?

Warm regards,

Dan Humpage


Curriccullum Vetae – Dan Humpage
Personal statement
I am a highly motivated individual and recovering drug addict who is looking to rebuild his life following a very difficult period. My manic depression and tourrette’s syndrome mean that I am not well suited to working with other people or in a public facing role, as my mild psychosis has on occasion pushed me into regrettable physical conflict. However, I am ideally suited to working from home as it means I can mould my working hours around my propensity for self harm.

Education
The School of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies
1990-1997
GCSEs English Literature (E)
English Language (E)
Maths (E)
All other subjects (F)

Employment History

Chief Librarian, HMP Dorchester
This was a position I undertook during my most recent stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. My chief duties included putting books on the shelves, keeping a track of loans, and administering beatings for books returned overdue. I was asked to leave the post a month early due to a combination of my tourrette’s syndrome distracting library users, and a refusal to loan out a book about suicide because I didn’t think the bloke would bring it back.
Reason for leaving: Fired. Then released.

Receptionist, GP surgery
This public facing role saw me welcoming visitors to a GP surgery, booking appointments and keeping a track of their medical records. I really enjoyed this role, but my troubles with drugs meant that I found it a little too easy to help myself to the contents of the medical cupboard and my manic depression meant that I inadvertently talked two patients into suicide attempts. One of them had only come in with an ingrowing toenail. I was removed from the position against my will, and still harbour a grudge against the do-gooder that dobbed me in.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

Head chef, HMP Dartmoor
Another position I worked hard to get. I secured this position via interview, being selected ahead of a number of other candidates including ‘Slasher’ McGraw and ‘Arsenic’ Andrews (though to be fair, he was in for poisoning so you’d not really trust him in the kitchen, would you?). My job included the preparation of fresh meals for other guests.
Reason for leaving: Early parole

Teaching Assistant
Another role I really loved. I love children. REALLY love children. Turned out that was the problem. I was involved in all aspects of helping the teacher look after the class, who were aged 10-12. The class, not the teachers. Unfortunately, due to a lack of resources and insufficient training, I was frequently left to rely on my instinct and making the best of a bad situation. Matters came to a head when I was left in charge of a sex ed class and thought the kids may be interested in watching Transexual Horse Lover 3 together. I still have some of the letters written in by the parents. Shocking language, no wonder their children were so very, very naughty in bed.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

Gardener, HMP Parkhurst
This role required that I tend and maintain the gardens in and around an area of outstanding natural beauty. This was made more difficult as I was not permitted access to sharp instruments like shears due to the terms and conditions of some legal mumbo-jumbo.
Reason for leaving: Released

Entrepreneur, self-employed
Working for myself, this role required a great deal of self-motivation and organisation. I would import goods from Amsterdam, Colombia and Africa, then organise distribution through a network of similar, independent traders. I was also responsible for overseeing the accounting of the operation, managing a team of debt collectors and delivery boys.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

References are available on request.

Margarita - the woman of my dreams

I'm lonely and still looking for that wife, now it would appear that my contract killer is bored of me. Maybe Margarita is that special someone?

Hello!

My name is Margarita! I am 29 years old.

I addressed in agency acquaintances. When I have specified, how I search for type of the man. Me have told to approach in 1 week. When I have again come to agency of acquaintances, to me have told yours email adress. I am a teacher and i like my work very much. I work with children and Now I have an opportunity to write to you I am an interesting, beautiful, kind and single young lady. I want to find my love, my half and want to marry him. I am looking for a man who will fall in love with me and I will fall in love with him. I have never been married but I dream about it. I am fond of children and I dream about a happy family with the beloved man. I am interested in music, cooking, reading, traveling and others. I know English very good and can easily speak!!

If you are interested in me please write me on my e-mail: vkusnyashka99@gmail.com

Please write me and I will send you my photos.

I wait for your letter very much.

Margarita.


My reply

Warmy runny greetings with a coating of phlegm, Margarita!

Me amazed to get email you from. Beautiful you are, such eyes! And two of them.

I am covered in my own happy juices that you have emailed me. It is not a surprise that you found me through an agency; I have been using agency girls for some time. Very discreet and always they will respond to suggestion. Like bringing coke. Or a street urchin that will not be missed.

You have such inner beauty that it makes my pancreas inflate with vigour. I long to hold you in my arms, so tight that there is no more breath in you. Like tiny sparrow until the wings stop beating then will be all mine in my pocket and no-one can take away not even carer.

I can see you know English good and speak easily. Me too, though I have a slight lisp and sometimes get my rs wrong. Also is good you like children. I love children too, I spend much time in children. It our secret.

I see you seek a man for marriage - what do you think is most important in husband? I seek many things in woman - must be kind of heart, noble of mind, quick of wit and fleet of foot. A lover, a friend, a mother, a companion. Also double jointed and blessed in the nork department. False teeth preferred.

I would be lovings to hear back from you, to see if we can meet and be as one some day as I am interested in a bride, and failing that a shufty at some more pics of you would not be a bad thing.

Love you in the face,

Mike

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Simon Platt

Right, I had another 'hurry up and pay me' email, which I responded to with the following - but then I took things in a much more entertaining direction...

My latest email - which features the same blurred scan of the western union form

Sorry man, been on holiday for a few days, which is why you didn't hear back from me. Though of course you probably know that, what with the 24 hour observation and all that.

Look, I don;t know what else I can do. The money is with Western Union - i have attached a scan of it AGAIN. If you can;t view it properly, let me know what the technical specifications of the machine you are using are - and try looking at it on more than one computer. The information is all there for you in black and white - it is not my fault that the equipment you are using is not good enough to view it.

I cannot raise any further funds at present, because I have none - and you should know all about that, seeing as you took the money from outside my house the other week - if you don;t have it, one of your mens is laughing at you and ripping you off.

PLEASE email me back and let me know that the western union scan has worked.

Mike

However, he's not playing with me enough. So I've introduced a new character to the game. Meet Simon Platt, who has just emailed our chump with the following introduction. I do hope they hit it off, I have grand plans for Simon.


You do not know me, my friend, but I know you. Or a little of you, at least. My name is Simon Platt (not my real name, but that is all you need to know right now).

Two weeks ago, I picked up a bag from outside a house in Southampton. Inside was £2,000 in cash and printouts of a series of emails between you and a Mike O'Sullivan. I am now in possession of this money, and have been watching O'Sullivan for some time to see if I can get more money out of him. However, it is clear from the emails that you have sent him and his responses that he is scared of you, and I believe that if we work together, he can make us both very rich. I know your scam, my friend - you have no mens here, you are trying to extort money from him over the internet. However, he is too stupid to figure this out. However, I can help you, seeing as you already hold a strong fear over him. I can be your mens here. I can pass on specific information about him - where he goes, what car he drives, I know where he went on holiday last week with his family, for example. By giving you real facts about the man, I think we can scare him into some more money. The £2,000 I have here is mine, I think. But any more money we can get from the man, I propose we split. I can either collect it for you, or he can transfer to you.

We can work this scam on others in the UK - it suits my needs for now, but in return for helping make you a rich man, I may need somewhere to stay when I leave the country, if things get too hot - someone in Africa with contacts to set me up out there if I need to leave town. What do you think? Does my business proposition interest you?

I hope it does, and as a gesture of goodwill, I will give you a little bit of information up front. He went to Portugal on holiday with his family - and his suitcases are a matching set, all red. Tell him you know this and it is guaranteed to scare him even further. Try it and let me know how you get on.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Image still won't download

Poor lad.

His latest mail
All that iam demanding from you now is the payment information you use in sending the money with the MTCN because the payment slip you send to me was not be able to download in computer and be very fast about it because there is know more time to delay

Oddly, the image 'won't download'

I love the fact that he is now charging me £1,997 by the way - the amount I calculated $4,000 as being in sterling, Anyway, he got back in touch:

His email
Iam waiting to receive the payment information again because the payment slip you send to me was not be able to download so all i want you to do now is to send me the information you use in sending the money with the MTCN and be very fast about it because there is know more time to delay any more you know that the time that was giving to you ended yesterday so what ever that your are doing about this issus you have to be very fast
waiting to receive the payment information you use in sending the money
Name:CHIDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:£1,997
SendersName................
MTCN Refrence Number...........
paid through money gram or western union
Mr Nnaeke Olando

My response - with the same scan attached (scroll down to see it in the previous post if you've not seen it yet)

sorry, I have not been able to access my emails of late. Here is the scan again, from Western Union. I have rescanned it, and it works fine on my computer. If you are having problems downloading it, it must be something to do with your computer - are you using an internet cafe? If so, perhaps try going to a different cafe?

Mike

The money has been transferred to my killer

Sorry for the delay in updates here, been busy - but will post a few things today to fill you all in. After telling him that his 'mens' had stolen all my money, we have enjoyed the following exchange which has ended up with me sending him a blurred copy of a money transfer form I found on the net.

his email
I just want you to understand that my mens are my mens and know one has the rigth to do something on his own accept i told him to do and remember that your time is comeing to an end if you did,not wants to comply with me know that all the necessary arrangement for the dead assignment has be made remember that i was sign to eliminate you within 10days along with your farmily without contacting you that someone you call your friend wants you dead and he provided all necessary information deeded about you to me and my
mens and because for you unability to understand i have know option now than to carry out the eliminate assignment i was sign to eliminate within 10days,for your own good i will advise you to my last warning to you to send the money without any founder delaying
waiting to receive the payment slip
the information you will use to send the money giving to you again
Name:CHIDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:£1,997
SendersName................
MTCN Refrence Number...........
pay through money gram now or western union
Mr Nnaeke Olando

my response
okay, I'm working on it - I have spoken to my parents and they are transferring some money to me now, I should be able to organise this tonight - I will email you with further details shortly. I do feel that your mens have already taken some money from you - be careful that they are not scamming you and playing you for a fool.

Mike

And then I followed it up with this
Here is a scan of the Western Union transfer - it should contain all the information you need to get the money.

Will you now please leave me alone?

My death moves nearer

apparently he's been watching my wife and children. which came as a shock to me, as I am single and have no children. (eligible females excited by this revelation can contact me via the comments section...) I'm especially impressed that for the first time he appears to be listening to what I am saying, and is letting me choose between dollars and pounds for my payment. Anyway, his latest missive and my reply below it:


for you own good and your family iam giveing you from now till friday to make the payment of $4,000 usd or pounds and if by the friday that i did,not recieve the money i have know option then to eliminate your children and after i might have eliminate your children then i will eliminate your wife and you come last remember that i was sign to eliminate you within10 days and I have to do it since you did,not wants to comply with me , last warning my mens are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.
For your own good I will advise you not to go out once it is 7pm until you pay the money to my boys and as soon as he confirms the payment i will do the needful.forward the payment slip to me after sending the money $4,000 US dollars or pounds
the information you will use to send the money
Name:CHDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:$4000dollars or pounds
Senders Name...................................
MTCN Refrence Number............................................
pay through money gram now and be fast about it
Mr Nnaeke Olando

My reply:

Okay, okay, I have the money - thanks for letting me choose which currency to pay in though! You might have to do some work in the future on your negotiating - 4,000 dollars or pounds is a bit of a no-brainer for me if I'm honest with you, as $4,000 equates to £1,997 while £4,000 equates to £4,000 almost exactly.

So I'll be going for the former, and no I don't want to gamble and go for the caravan.

Now, to the practicalities. As you know, I cannot use Money Gram, but your mens know where I live. I will leave the money outside my house tonight, in a black puma rucksack. On the outside of the bag is a detailed and labelled diagram of a woman's labia, to help you identify that you have the right bag quickly. If possible, can you leave the rucksack behind as I use it for my football kit; it has decent sized pockets that are ideal for getting shinpads into and I can;t seem to find another one like it. I also use it on my visits to Southbourne's world famous squirrel range as it is ideal for keeping hats, pens, twix bars, small Greek men and vibrators in - the squirrels love that kind of thing! I'll put it to the left (well, right as you look at it) by the bins.The money will be inside in non-sequential, non-denominational, English pound notes bearing the face of the Dalai Llama, which makes them harder to trace.

There is another, minor issue. you mention that your men have been watching me and are threatening my wife - if you've only been watching me a few days then you should probably know that the woman you have seen me with isn;t actually my wife. She is away at her mothers after we had a minor disagreement about her discovering my collection of art pamphlets and films - I've got some classic stuff dating back years and she doesn't appreciate them really.

Anyway, the woman you would have seen entering and leaving my flat is, how shall I put this, a 'friend'. I'm sure you are a man of the world and don't need me to explain much more than that, but the sensitive issue is that she is married to my best mate and it really would be best for all concerned if we kept her out of this, as I'm sure you'd agree. Though if you were watching us the other night through the lounge window, I'm sure you would agree that killing someone with tits like that would be a truly tragic loss of life.

Getting the rest of the money is going to be a tricky one, but I'm working on that one. I might be able to organise something via Western Union if that would be amenable to your good self?

Anyway, the money will be in the hold-all outside the house tonight. I hope that this signal of my grandest intentions will be enough for you to call off the hit.

Warmest regards,

your imminent target,

Mike

A cold-blooded killer writes...

Jesus man, enough with the caps lock. Here's his latest replay:

WARNING AS IT MAY BE RIGHT NOW I AM IN TOWN WITH MY MENS FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT AS I TOLD YOU THAT SOMEONE YOU CALL YOU FRIEND PAID ME TO ELIMINATE YOU AND I HAVE TO DO THAT WITHIN 10DAYS AND AS IT IS RIGHT NOW I HAVE PROVIDED ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION NEEDED ABOUT YOU TO MY MENS FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT , FOR YOUR OWN GOOD I WILL ADVISE YOU TO COMPLY WITH ME IF YOU WANTS TO LIVE OR DIE AND FOR YOU INFORMATION IAM NOT ASKING YOU TO PAID THE MONEY AT ONES YOUR WILL FRIST PAID $4,000 THEN I WILL SEND THE TAPE OF THE PERSON THAT WANT YOU DEAD AND WHEN THE TAPE GETS TO YOU,YOU WILL PAY THE REMAINING $8,000. GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY YOUR RECIEVE THIS MAIL THERE IS KNOW TIME TO DELAY

And my reply to him:

Hi, thanks for your mail. Can I please ask a favour - stop using capital letters? I am a dyslexic, you see, and using capitals makes it rather inaccessible to me, it can take a while for me to decipher what it is you are saying.

Got a couple of problems at this end with your demands, but want to reassure you that I am very sincere in coming up with the money so please don't do anything rash - that would be great shame for all concerned I'm sure you'd agree.

Problem one, like I told you, is that I won;t be able to get the $4,000 to you too quickly as these things take some time. Also, I meant to ask this earlier - why do you want paying in dollars when I am in the UK? Will pounds be okay? And do you mean US dollars, or Ugandan dollars? I do have some vouchers that I could include in the deal if that will help us to reach the magic $4,000 mark. A friend of mine collects them - buy one get one free at loads of restaurants, tourist attractions and so on - you could take your entire hit squad to Thorpe Park for under a tenner, for example.

Problem two is that I am a born-again Rastafarian. This means I do not have a bank account. Or, indeed, ting. This would make transferring the money to you very difficult indeed - however, I would be happy to leave the money outside my house in a hold-all (you know where that is, of course) on a date convenient to you.

And one last thing I really need reassuring from you on. I can sense in your heart you are a good man - some hitmen are just misunderstood, I believe. So I beg of you, please don't hurt my children. They mean the world to me, and I've seen how these things work in the movies. If you think I'm not moving quick enough, you grab one of the kids and use them as leverage - so please, can we have a gentleman's agreement to keep the kids out of this? They are innocent of any crimes against Blockbuster Video, so they needn't suffer.

That said, I'm a realist, so if you're left with no alternative, I'd appreciate it if you could take the girl first. She's left-handed too, so if you have to send any fingers through the mail, use the right hand as it shouldn't affect her handwriting too badly.

Okay, that's it from me.

Best wishes,

Mike

The hitman replies. Twice.

Oops, this scam relies on me appearing scared, so I mustn't forget to check my mails again. He's actually mailed me twice, and my reply to his second email is at the bottom. Needless to say, I've hardly slept over the past 48 hours from the sheer terror of it all. Apologies for the capitals, but I can't be arsed to retype it all and besides, I think only LOTS of capital letters can convey the gravity of the situation.

YOU WELL COME

AS IT MAY BE RIGHT NOW I AM IN TOWN WITH MY MEN FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT AS
PLAND SO ALL THAT IM DEMANDING FROM YOU AS I HAVE OPENED UP TO YOU IS JUST
$12000 DOLLARS AND YOU WILL BE FREE FROM THIS MESS BECAUSE I AM HERE TO
ELIMINATE YOU ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY.LISTEN AND LISTEN CAREFULLY,YOU WILL
FIRST OF ALL PAY $4000 DOLLARS TO THE NAME BELOW .TO AVOID ANY REGRETS JUST
ACT AS DIRECTED .....THEN PAY THE RESTAFTER THE FIRST PAYMENT.THEN I WILL
SEND TO YOU THE PICS AS PROMISE SO THAT YOU WILL KNOW WERE YOU PROBLEM IS
COMING FROM.FINALLY I HAVE A TAPE THAT WILL INTREST YOU SO MUCH .

PAY THE MONEY TO MY BOY AS SOON AS HE CONFIRMS THE PAYMENT I WILL DO THE
NEEDFULL.FORWARD THE PAYMENT SLIP TO ME AFTER SENDING THE MONEY .


Name:XXXXXXXXX
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:$4000dollars
Senders Name...................................
MTCN Refrence Number............................................

PAY THROUGH MONEY GRAM,RIGHT NOW AND BE FAST ABOUT IT.

Mr Nnaeke Olando

Then the second mail the next day:

This is to informed you that your life is going to end if you don't comply with me that i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do that within 10days Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you.If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment I have already being paid get back to me immediately your recieve this mail


And finally, my latest response:

Ooh, sorry about that, I've been busy.

I really am rather worried by all this, you know. I've been racking my brains trying to figure out what it could be that has prompted this threat on my life. Is it anything to do with that library fine? Or the video I sent back to Blockbusters without saying anything even though my machine chewed it up? I think it was The Goonies. I just respooled it and popped it through the letterbox, then ran like fury. Not been back since, but I didn't realise they would go to such extremes.

Also, I know I'm not supposed to be out after 7pm, but is it okay if I put the bin out in twenty minutes or so? I had haddock for dinner and it's really starting to hum in there, would be much happier if I could get rid if it and stick it in the outside bin.

Now, to the rather unsavoury topic of money. You want $12,000 if I understand correctly? I don't have that kind of money available immediately you know. Would it be possible to get a few days grace to scrape together the cash? I need to juggle a few credit card accounts around, sell one of my kidneys, perhaps get a paper round in the mornings. Or could I offer you payment in kind? I'm no hitman, but I am a qualified proof reader and marketer - I'm sure I could make your emails really stand out from the crowd and get your key selling points and call to action over quickly and efficiently, whilst helping you to develop a unique style and tone of voice that sets you apart from the rest of the market.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself here. What's the next step?

Yours in fear,

Mike

Spam death threats

I mean, what the fuck is THAT all about? Marriage is one thing, but spamming me to tell me my card has been marked is a bit much. To be fair, this one actually made its way to a friend, but I figured the time has come to move on from Elena and enter into correspondence with another email buddy with a shaky grasp of english.

I've kept my first reply relatively straightforward to get the ball rolling and see if he responds.







-----Original Message-----
From: finalbullet point
Sent: 10 July 2008 19:29
Subject: SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.

SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.
I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don't comply, i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within10 days. Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told us that he wants you dead and he provided us your names, photograph and other necessary information we needed about you.

Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebody want you dead by all means.

Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be. Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $12,000 is all you need to spend.

You will first of all pay $4,000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $8,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now.

Warning: Do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because Iwill extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well. For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who wantyou dead then you can use it to take any legal action.

Good luck as I await your reply to this e-mail contact: (xxxxxxxx )

Mr Nnaeke Olando


MY RESPONSE
who is this? What do you want from me, and who has contacted you wanting this to happen to me? What should I do next - is it safe to go home tonight?

Elena's bank code request: my response

As below, with big thanks to an un-named russian-speaking legend who will be helping me translate future efforts into russian if all goes well. Won't put your name on here in case things get ugly good sir, but you know who you are!

The russian bit in this email translates as "May they cut my dick into pieces and make coins of them." It's a 'would I tell a lie?' oath. ' Just so you all know. Anyway, here's where we are taking Elena for now - with the terrifying idea of me moving to russia instead...


Salutations Elena!

I am very sorry that I have been unable to respond to you for a little while. I have been very busy with many things, but please do not worry, my feelings for you grow stronger every day. As does my aftershave.

Did you enjoy barbequing your parents? It sounds like a really fun holiday, especially the banya. How often do russians have baths, traditionally? In my own tribute to your holiday, I ate a shish kebab on friday night myself, which made a nice change. I can see why you like them. Sometimes I like a badly-packed doner kebab too.

We don't celebrate the victory day in russia, but we do have some traditional english holidays. This week England has been celebrating the Battle of the Minge. It was a huge fight that took place in the 16th century between some disgruntled butchers and 10,000 men employed by the grand old Duke of York. It was up and down for a while, but the butchers eventually won in extra time.

This is a great shame that your friend cannot send money to russia! Why is this - I don;t quite understand what you mean? I would be happy to be the man in the middle - shall I give you my address so that your friend can post me me the cash - I will then put it into my account and transfer the funds to you? It would be fantastic if you can get your visa and come and see me. I want to shower your face with my love. And also other body parts.

I can;t wait to se you either - I feel you smell, your body, make the kissings of the french and generally get some SERIOUS lovin' on the go.

However, my beloved, it may be that we do not need to worry about your visa? I can work from anywhere in the world as I work inside a computer, so I can come and move to russia if you would be likings it? I have already began to learn russia and wanted to say something to you. I wish to communicate better with your tongue. So I am studying the beautiful Russian for the full flavour of your engorged lip flanges. Пусть мне хуй на пятаки порубают. That's what my Russian tutor suggested. How am I doing? He says you will be pleased with this statement - I hope that you are? Maybe best to write back in English for now though as I am only learning - but what do you think of my idea to come to russia and live with you there, instead of having you come to England and all this messing about with the money? Will save your mate a few quid too I reckon.

So, sweet stuff, you up for it or what?

I look forward to recieving an ejaculation from you soon!

May your flapsnot always be plentiful,

kisses,

Mikey Wikey
xxx

Elena: The money shot

not that kind of money shot you dirty bastards.

At last, the request comes for my bank account number - her email asking for it is below. I haven;t responded yet because, thanks to the wonderful help of an ex-colleague, I am concocting something that will really rather put the shits up our beloved Elena. As you can see from her mail I won;t be getting a response for a little while, so there's not quite such a rush on, but I thought I'd give you all something to chuckle at while my dastardly plan is hatched. Keep checking back, as I am becoming a page impressions junkie and like the feeling of power. And trust me, you'll like what we'll be doing with the silly tart next. Apologies for length etc.

Hello my sweet Michael!!!!! I am so sorry that i did not write you
letters since the 1 of may. We have great hollidays now since the 1 of
may till the 10 of may. They are a day of workers and the 9 of may it
is a victory day. We have now only 2 days of and now i could write you
a letter. We with parents went on barbecue to the nearest forest and
on wednesday we will go to our family friends' summer residence for
some days for shish kebab and russian bath (BANYA). We will have great
time as the weather is wonderful. Do you celebrate such hollidays?
Sweety do not lose me. I will be able to write you obly on monday on
the 12of may. I will miss you very much. I miss you even now when i
write you this letter. I am so happy to get your letter again.I am
constantly thinking about you. Michael I have got a letter from my
girlfriend. Unfortunatelly she can not send money to Russia. It is so
sad. Her bank do not allow transfer money to Russia. I do not have my
own bank account. My friend can not send money by Western union or
Moneygramm either. She does not have cash. And now she is in France as
she wrote me. So it is a problem to send me money. I do not know that
to do. But i know that i want to come to you. Very much. And i do not
want to lose you. I am happy that i found you. I have been thinking
about all that for a long time. I can ask you for help. I know that
you can help our meeting. NO, i will not ask YOU for money. My friend
can transfer her money to the bank account in your country. My friend
write me that she can transfer money to your bank account. Do you have
bank account? She said that it will be easy to do. She can help us
this way. I hope you can help me too to come to you. My friend will
senf money to your bank account then. Michael you can get cash money
after my friend send her money to your bank account. You can send me
money through Western union or Moneygramm then. As soon as I get the
money I will go the tourist agency and pay for the trip to you. I will
take tickets at once. And i will come to you. I think we can do it
very fast. Michael I wrote to my friend that you are a good man and
that she can trust you. As I really trust you my sweety. You can write
her a letter.Her name is Anna. Her e-mail is :
xxxxxx She will wait for your letter. I will wait
your letter too. I will be happy to get good news from you. I want to
come to you. I am sure you want the same. I do not want to lose you. I
am sure that we can solve all problems together. We must be together i
am sure it is our destany. I told my girlfriend that I found you. That
you are a good man. And you are the best. I see it. I feel it. I told
her that I love you and want to be together with you in real life. My
friend told me that she is very happy for me and that even envy my a
little.I am happy that I found such a man like you. You are very kind,
good and tender man! It is very difficult to find a good man in out
time. I could not even think that you exist till the time I met you.
Many women look for a prince. And me, I found you. You are my prince.
I was about to lose hope to meet such a man like you. And I am very
happy that I met you. Woman can not live without love. Woman is made
for love and to be loved. I want to be given flowers. I want to hear
tender words. Woman is like flower. She dies without love like flower
dies without water. My loved Michael, it is great that we met each
other in the internet. It is great that we can talk on such a long
distance between us. But through the internet we can not feel
intonations of the voice, can not see the face. I want to look into
your eyes when I talk to you. Feel you smell. I think it is
important.I am sure that it is better to talk in real life sitting
close to each other. For me soul and thoughts are very important. I
want you to be next to me. I want to look into your eyes and kiss you.
I imagine that you want to kiss me. I can say that I am falling in
live with you. My sweet Michael i hope this will happen soon after our
meeting. We will be able to visit different places, or we will stay at
home and watch film or we will spent all our nights together doing
love. I love sex with beloved man. I like to do it often. But now i
can only dream about it. I am lonely and have long lonely evenings
now. I am sad that i have no close man with me who could give me a
kiss and embraces. My honey Michael you are my man I feel it. I open
to you my soul in letters. And i see that you are good man. I hope
that our dreams will come true. And soon we will be together.Kisses
and hungs. I will wait for you letter.

With love
Yours Elena

P.S. My pics were taken in my sity in its subburbs.Like it?

Elena gets 'em out for the lads

Yes Elena, I'd love to accept a phone call from you sometime soon. Or, er, not. Still, gotta admire her persistence.

Hello my honey Michael!!!!! How are you? Thank you for your letter. It is very pleasant for me to read your letters. They make me happy. Michael I read them and think about you. It wouldl be wonderful to be together at this very moment and embrace you.It is sad that you are not with me now. I see you in my dream. Sweety nobody read your e-mail besides me. i just tell my parents about you. i cant understand what do you mean Unfertilised eggs??? Michael I wrote a letter to my girlfriend. I wrote that i want to arrive to th UK. I wrote that you are a good man. I want to come to you very much as soon as possible. I will wait for the answer of my friend. She will help me to come to the UK. She will write me how she will send me money. I will look forward for her letter. I will write you a letter as soon as i get her letter. My friend promised me a good job and a good selary if i want. We will not be in need of money.My friend can give you a job too if you want. She work in the sphere of computer security.

I want someone who will never leave my side.

I want someone who will say "I love you" and mean it.

I want someone who will watch a Friday night movie with me.

I want someone who will put me in a happy mood when I'm in a bad one.

I want someone who will hold me when I'm scared.

I want someone who will give me there jacket when I'm cold.

I want.........you

Sweety i really so happy that we met each other in the internet. I hope that it is our destany. I like to read your letters as i learn you better and better. I see that you are a good and kind man. I see that i can rely on you. It is very important for woman to feel safety to feel care and love. I am sure that love is the most important thing in the world. Kisses, embraces are very important too but they are more pleasant when all is based on love. I think that sex is important too. It is one more way to express feelings. I like to have sex really. I hope you too. But i do not want to write much about sex in the letters. I think it is more pleasant to do it) I will tell all i like in sex when we will be alone in the room with candels. Do you agree? When i think about you I smile. I recollect what you write me in your letters and it becomes warm inside me. I will wait for your next letter. I will wait for a letter from my friend. I hope what we will be able to see each other soon in real time. It would be great.

I love you
Your Elena

P.S. i want to hear your voice. and you? do you want to hear my voice? we can talk by the phone. i want to try to call you the other days. i have a phone but i cannot call by my own business as it was given to be at work. i also cannot make international calls. write me please you phone number. i will try to call you from my aunt.i hope i will not have any troubles with it. will you wait for my call? i am so it is excited when i think that i can talk to you honey.




Sweetikins!

Wonderful to hear from you. No, really.

I am not worryings over other peoplings reading my emailings, just interested, innit. I promise I not show your emailings to ANYONE else. This wonderful beautiful secret in the internet love is all of mine own!!

Forget about the unfertilised eggs bit. It's an english way of cooking them. Like over-easy. I'll explain it some other time.

Fantastic news about your friend. I would be very interested in a highly paid job in the field of computer security. It sound ideal. Will it not be a problem that I have no qualifications whatsoever in this rather niche area, or that you have trained as a bookkeeper? Your friend must be running quite a successful business to be able to afford to hire a pair of twunts like us.

Yeah, definitely right up for all that loving and coat sharing and movies and stuff. I see you like sex. This is good. I do think it is important that a man and a woman can get it on like rutting animals as and when the whim takes them. Even if it does mean getting thrown out of tesco's. Happened to me twice. Don’t be shy, tell me what you like and how you like it. And which orifices you want what in. I have a carrot I've been sharpening, actually. Might be handy.

Smashing photograph, would love to see more. Where was it taken? The skyline is particularly, um, striking. Only disappointings is the lack of nipplings. Go on - get involved. Ut your hands in the air like you just don't care.

I can’t talk on the phone at the moment, I do not have a mobile telelelephephone only my work number. And I'm on a final warning for masturbating in the office so best leave that for now, eh.

I might be visiting Europe soon actually! I have an uncle Josef in Austria, but he is in a bit of trouble at the moment. Something to do with not having planning permission for his cellar extension or something. Lots of people have rather overreacted, simply because he sublet to someone who wasn't on the electoral roll. Honestly, some people are such jobsworths. Anyway, he wants me to dispose of a few things, tie up a few loose ends. Can’t really go into detail really. Is it easy to buy cans of petrol on the continent, by the way? And shovels?

When will you hear back from your girlfriend about your visa? I am full of anticipation! Perhaps the three of us could hook up when you make it over. That would be wild!

Once again, happy ejaculating!

Mikey Wikey
Xxx

Elena dreams of me!

How exciting. Another photo (possibly fittest one yet but still not quite doing it for me, love). Latest round of correspondance comes below!

Hello my honey Michael!!!!!!! Today i have a very good mood. How are you? Today i got up with thoughts about you. I saw you in my dream. You were in my dream for the first time. Thank you very much for the last letter. In the morning i prepared a salad made of fruits. It is my breakfast. During my breakfast i thought about you. What do you like more for brakfast? May be i will be able to cook breakfast for you in the future? I am thinking about you all day long today. I have got a letter from my girlfriend. She is happy that i found a good man in the internet. I told her some things about you and she thinks that you are a good man. She said that it will be cool if in the future we will be together. She helped me to make visa. She promised to help me to arrive to the UK. Now i will ask her for help to come to you. My friend will pay for me trip. She promised that she will send money for my trip and for life for the first time. I will not have any financial problems. I am very happy that i have such a good friend. Michael I can not understand what is going on with me. I have never thought that it is possible to find a good man in the internet. And i found you. What is it? What will be the next? I am so happy. All my friends ask my why i look so good, why smile so much. Thank you. Michael It is thank to you. It is you who makes me happy. It is magic that i met you in the internet. You are a very good man. I like to communicate with you. Your letters are so open to me. They help me to feel happy. You know i print you letters and keep with me. I read them again and again. I am always so happy to get your letters. I want to tell you about my town.It is very beautiful city, second after Moscow. There ara many parks here. I like the style of my town it has a lot of great buildings. It is great to walk here when the weather is fine. And to walk in the evening when it is calm. Do you like to walk on the street? What are you doing today? Work,rest, walk ? I want to know how is you day. Today before going to bed i will think about you. I hope to see you again in my dream. I wish you a calm day and i hope you will see me too in your dream. May be we will see the same dream. I dream to see you in real life.

i kiss you
Yours Elena



To my sweetest snugglebunny Elena,

I am so pleased that you dream of me! I dream of you also! In my dream, we were walking along top of cliff near my house holding hands and whispering sweet nothings to each other in the sunshine. It was very romantic. Then you turn into giant eagle with head of a weasel and fly off into the sun, and my dead granddad turned up eating a mint feast and talking about going for a pint with Mick Jagger. Then his arms dropped off and he turned into a robot. That bit of dream weird. Must stop drinking gin before bed. Anyway, bit with you in was good. I hope tonight I will dream of sexytimes with you, this make me very happy and wake up with bed in shape of tent.

For breakfast, I like a light snack of bacon, fried eggs, scrambled eggs, sausage, fried bread, black pudding, muchrooms, toast, fried tomatoes, chips and beans. Sadly this make me fat, so I don’t have the beans any more. Also means less smell on bus. I would like very much for you to be cooking me breakfast one day. How do you like your eggs? Unfertilised I hope.

I have many pleasings that your friends and family think I am a good man. Have any of them actually read my emails?

I feel so lucky to meet you in internet. Many horror stories about people who make scam on internet and fool people and man think he is talking to lovely girl from russia or thailand but really it bearded trucker from Wisconsin who only want sort code details so he can steal your monies. I am so lucky to meet real lovely Elena like you with photographs for to prove reality. And such sexy photographs too, you are having the beauty of my favourite English supermodel. Her name anne widdicombe and she have many great beauties and big jubblies as well. Do you have any in lingerie? Or any form of rubber-based uniform? With or without animals and other women, I'm not fussed.

Your city sounds wonderful, I would like to visit. I too enjoy streetwalking and I am sure that if I visited your most prestigious city, I would be making many lovings to the walkers of the street. I would love to visit your beautiful city one day, and see where it is that you live. Perhaps see where you work, where you go school, especially see where you learn english. I will try and earn full refund upon your behalfings.

Today I am doing the workings in the office. It is hard for me to concentrate because I have your picturings on my desk and I like to think of my love for you, but there is total babe sittings near to me and I confuse my thinkings sometimes between her and you and it make me feel wibbly.

Please, my dear, call me Mikey Wikey Woo Woos in your emailings! Only my mummy call me Michael and it make me feel strange.

My sweetest dearest Elena I cannot wait to hold you in my arms, feeling you through the fabric of your undies and trying to control my stiffy. I hope that today is another calm day for you and that my ejaculation has once again filled you with warmth.

Kind regards,

Mikey Wikey Woo woos

Russian bride: still not twigged

Excellent news, had a new picture and everything. It would seem that the fact I appear to have beaten an ex girlfriend to death, had sex with a dog and spend last weekend in a gay gang bang are still not enough to distract the beautiful elena.

Here's her latest (longest yet!) email and my response. Thanks for sticking with me on this exciting journey.

Hello my Michael!!!! Iam very happy to get your mail. how are you today? How is your mood? Today i have a good mood. I like very much to get your letters. With each letter we will become closer to each other. I will learn you better. It is a great pleasure for me to talk to you. It seems to me that we know each other for a long time.Excuse me if i do not write you letters very offten. Mostly i write from the puplic library. Michael I do not like to go to the internet cafe. There are many peolpe there and very noisy. And here in the library is very calm and i pay less money here. Hey i see that you had nice
weekend)) Yes i like to go out and i like to dance. Il dance to calm music at the dicso. Here in Russia at the disco dj very seldom play slow music and i dance. I have told my mommy and daddy about you. Michael my mum said that she is happy that i met you in the internet and that we write letters to each other. Just like my girlfriend with here future husband. My mommy think that you are a good man. My father said that he will be happy to meet you in the future. My parents are happy that i have met you. I also write to my girlfrind that i met you in the internet. i also have my visa for the UK open. My girlfriend said that she will be happy to see me soon in the UK. She said that she will be happy if i met a good man. I can arrive to you at any time. I want to know more about you. I will tell you more about me. We can plan my future arrival. I am lonely. My hart is waiting for love. All women want love. All women want to be loved. Men also want to be loved. My girlfriend will pay for my trip. It is not difficult for them. My girlfriend is like my sister. I was married for 2 years. But later i devorced. My ex-man betrayed me. He had relations with another woman. iIcould not forgive him. Clear and true relations are important for me. Love must be for all life. I can not understand russian men. They walk, drink much vodka and love many women. They do not see in women beloved women. Michael I want to tell you what i like and what i dislike. I like open people. I hate lie. I do not believe that it is posible to built love on a lie. I am sure that only truth can support real relations. I don't like when it is nor clear at home. I like to come after work to my clear home. It is the best rest for me. Aslo i don't like laisy people. I always can find task for myself. I like to clean and to cook. It is very nice to make home causy. I like to meet guests. I like when my friends come to me and we have good time together. They say in russia "When all is good in you home when all is good in your soul".Michael I think that soul of a person is very important. I like when i feel comfortable inside myself. I like to read beforo going to sleep. I like to read love stories. It is so romantic. I like to fall in the message of the book. It helps to forget about other problems in casual life. It helps to dream about love forever. Sometimes i cry or laugh with the main heros of the book. Tell me what do you usually do at your free time? Do you like to go to the cinema? What is your favourite film? I like dramas and advantages. Films about love and life. my favourite film is "Pretty Woman" with julia roberts and richard Geer. I hope you learn more about me. We will become more close to each other. I will wait for your letter. Michael I will try to write you letter tomorrow.

Michael I wish you good day.

I kiss you, yours Elena


Warmest and most heartfelt greetings Elena!

The Russian army of love is marching on my heart, my defences are down, I have already eaten the livestock, pestilence runs rife in the city, food supplies are low, and it is only a matter of time before I surrender to the love army!

I am likings the writings and the comings togetherings of our closenesses. Your picture on the pool table is very nice - do you like playing with balls? I enjoy many games with balls. I like many old English games, I have great belief in old tradition. I mainly play a game called Fookmiass. It is an ancient English tradition that dates back to the 12th century, and is a mixture of skiing, bear-baiting, tractor racing and poker.

I am very pleased that your parents are happy that we find each other in the internet. I have not told my parents yet as it is difficult to get letters to them in maximum security and visiting is difficulty for me. They had some problems so are in special safe place for now for protection of publics. And childrens. But they are full of lovings on frequent basis and I will tell them soon about our meetings on the internet. It not same through plastic grille though.

I am unbelievings of your foolish husband! It is clear from pictures that you are prettiest woman in all of St Petersburg - he is a crazy man in the head if he discharge his single-barrel pump-action yoghurt gun into face of another woman! You have much prettiness in the face and also of the body and if you like to clean and cook as well then I do not see problem of ex husband. Also if you are likng the lovings in the bedroom like a good wife, then this make you perfect. Certainly if I had lady like you, my purple headed muck-chucker would be only for you and I no need special relations with other women. Unless you like this kind of thing if you are present, but that not major issue for now we discuss this later when less sober.

I like very much this eloquent Russian saying of which you speak and am agreeing vigorously with this. I also think it important that we both feel very comfortable inside yourself.

In my spare time, when I not play fookmiass, I like many things. I like to go to the cinema and enjoy many films. Pretty Woman is good film, I like many films about streetwalkers. I like period dramas, like Porky's and Top Gun.

My favourite film is probably Full Metal Jacket. In this riveting look at military life during the Vietnam conflict, Stanley Kubrick, who made the powerful antiwar classics PATHS OF GLORY (WWI) and DR. STRANGELOVE (the Cold War), once again explores the behavior of men in battle. FULL METAL JACKET (1987), adapted from Gustav Hasford's novel THE SHORT TIMERS, is broken down into two very different parts. The first half of the film focuses on the training of a squad of Marine grunts on Parris Island, and more specifically on the troubled relationship between the brutal drill sergeant (a frightening Lee Ermey) and an oafish misfit (a brilliant Vincent D'Onofrio) who just happens to be a sharpshooter. The second half takes the grunts to Hue City, where the climactic battle of the 1968 Tet Offensive--and the turning point of the Vietnam War--took place.

Also I like Finding Nemo.

Elena, I am liking very much your correspondings and await your next missive with bated breath. I think you are very beautiful and would love to see more of you. Mainly thigh but I'll take what I can get at this stage.

Also, Elena, please may you now call me by my nickname? In england, Michael is very formal even though it my official name, my friends all call me Mikey Wikey and this I like to be called - may you please call me by this in future emailings? I want to feel closer to you because I wish to penetrate your initmate circle and become a friend and perhaps even more.

Once again, I hope you enjoyed my ejaculation - I know I did!

Mikey Wikey

XXX

Russian bride responds again!

I can;t fecking believe she didn;t get the last one as being a pisstake, but she has written back. Her old email address is no longer working (wonder why...) and now I am writing to a different one. I've deliberately played down my latest response a little cos I want to see how many emails in I get asked for my account code details. And whether I can talk her into any nudie photographs, which is the main thing I'm sure you'll agree.

Anyway, latest correspondance below. Peace out.

Hello Michael!!!!!! I am so sorry that i didnt write you for some time. I had problems with my e-mail. It doesnt work anymore. Please write me you letters to my new e-mail XXXXXXXX I have only just got your letter. Please resebd me letters that you wrote me. Now i have not much time to write you. promise to answer as soon as i get your letter.

Yours Elena


Bountiful greetings Elena!

I am having the delightings with your respondings to my emailings! I had the fear that you had already found the man of your dreams elsewhere on the internet, perhaps ebay - or mebbes even at home in russian motherland.

I do not have a copy of my old letter, as I forgot to take a photocopy of the screen before sending it. However, I am sure we can pick up where we left off as the depth of our feelings may continue to grow with each passing day.

Did you have a good weekend? I went clubbing with my homies, hung out with some bad-assed bitches, did some dark shit with some evil mofos - best ask no questions, keep it on the low though yeah baby? Danced like nobody was watching - I'm serious as cancer when I say that rhythm is a dancer. I chilled on Thursday.

Do you go out much? Where do you dance to the calm music? I went to a very strange place on Saturday night, everyone was wearing leather and there was live felching on the main stage. The atmosphere was very good though, everyone was really gay and smiling. I felt a little foolish at first as I did not have a moustache like most of the others but they warmed to me very quickly and made me feel at home. Some nice men even bought me drinks all night, but I must have had too many as I woke up face down on a poof in a strange house with some loss of memory and a lot of stiffness. Still, I'm seeing them again next week.

Are you still looking for husband then? Any luck? I am pleasing if you are still looking, for I am feeling bondage between us could be an option.

I look forward to hearing back from you soon, and hope you are pleased with this latest ejaculation

Many hugs and happy kisses,

Your friend,

Michael

xxx

russian bride search: update

She wrote back! It could be love! And with a picture! She is HOT. And in no way a bearded trucker called Petr after a qucik buck from a gullible foreigner.

Here's her email to me, and my response below it...

Hello Michael!!!!! How are you? Thank you very much for your letter. I am very happy to get you letter. I am very happy you ansered me. I am glat we start relations. I was very happy to see your letter in my computer. Now i have time to write you letter. I will be happy to met you one day. I am simple russian woman. I have no love man. I want only love and happyness. Michael I want have serious relations. I want me and my man be happy together. A man will love me and i will make him happy. The most happy in the world. I will be the best woman for him. Russian women respect their men. My mother bring me up like that too. I could also see how my mother loved and respected my father. And i can say for sure that my man will be the most happy in the world with me. I want me and my man built our love and happiness together. Probobly you area a man of my dream? I can arrive to the Great Britain at any time. I have a visa. And i have a contract with tour agency. I can take tickets at any time. My girlfriend helped me to make visa. oh, it was not easy. I had to collect different documents. And now eveything is ready so i can come to the Great Britain when i want. May be you can meet me? We will learn us better in letters. But i think that we sould not hurry. We have time to know us better, more interesting things of our lifes. And soon after that we will see that relations we will be able to have. My girlfriend can help me with money for my trip to the Great Britain. She can also give me good und well payed job if i want. Her husband has a business in Germany and England. I have an education as a bookkeeper. She told me that it is time for me to change my life. And you know i has thought of desire that i want to find a good man for me. May be it will come true. My friend has found her husband in internet . they are very happy together. My girlfriend lives in the suburb of LondonMichael I will write her that i met a man in the internet. I will write her that i am very happy that i met a good man. I want you to write more about you in every letter. Michael I want tell you about me. I want you to know me good.

-My birthday is 15 .09. 79(29 years)
-My hight is 165sm, my wigth is 51kg
-I live in Sankt-Petersburg. and where do you live?
-I have no children. and you?
-My favourite color is blue
-I like music mostly romantic music
-I like animals
-I likу to read books about love
-I like to go to the cinema
-I don't smoke and i don't drink
-i like to dance to the calm music
-I like to cook
-I like clearness
-I like sex with my beloves man( sex is very important for man and woman. I think that love and sex must be always together. iI am a shy woman. I didn't have many men. but i do all for my man. I am ready to give me all to my lover, all my tenter and care. I am reay for all just to see my man be happy with me.) -I just like to be happy I tell you more about myself. my work is 7 km long from my home. i go there by bus. I am a bookeeper in the design firm. I work from 8.30 till 14.30 o'clock or from 14.30 till 20.30 o'clock. My collective at work is mostly female. After my work i go home and have supper. I like and can cook well. I like to go to the gim. I like fitness. I go there 2 times a week. Sometimes i take my girlsfriends with me. I like to be in fit. It s a great pleasure for me to do sport. When i was a little girl i do figure gimnastics. Because of that i am in good form. I have slime body. I think that it helps me to have good health. What is your hobby? I like to cook supper in the evening. I do best of all Halo-halo. Then desert goes. Fruits with broken ice with sweets and milk. I can cook dishes of spain, mexico and russian kitchen. Michael may be you will be test my musterpieces. I like to cook for my man specialy. What kind of realtions are you looking for? What kind of woman? Michael I hope you have the same ames like me. There are many people in the internet. Many people here just for fun. They forget about love. I look for clear and true relations for all my life. Ihope you understand me. I want to know more about you. You are very very interesting man. I want to know about a man i look for. I want him to understand me. I want my love man helps me. Michael you know appearence is not so important. I want to have a defenter. Ineed protection. I am a woman. Sorry but i have to go now. I will wait for youк letter. Will you find time to write me? Every letter makes me happy. Michael I will be very happy.

I kiss you (just as a friend this time)))
Yours Elena




Salutations Elena!

I was so excited to find you in my computer that I sneezed! I was happy to get you letter too and am glad we have started relations, I miss the lady being in my life. There is the loneliness and the sadness and the washing up and the house gets messy and no-one ever replaces the toilet rolls in the bathroom.

I am pleased that you are simple woman. I tend to find this works best. Not too many questions that way.

I too love animals but this not always looked on favouritably by woman in England so I am pleased that you are the happy one with animal love in your heart. One of my old girlfriends kick me out of house for making too much love with the dog more than her!! I was very sad as she had many good qualites and was good lover and very loyal. I miss girlfriend also.

I am interested very in your job as bookkeeper. Where do you keep them? Does your job have computer to help or is it mainly hand jobs?

It is lovely old news that your friend can help you move to United Kingdom. Suburb of London not far from Bournemouth, if you visitate then we could meet up for tenpin bowling and chicken in a basket. I have a voucher! But no lady to whom to treat with it, so it would be nice if you can come. It expires July 2009 so not for some time! If not then no matter we could do other things, I like to do many things like go to train stations and other sites of archtectural interest (bus stops) and also I photograph many different styles of litter bin. Also streetwalking and running. Some time ago I was asked to run marathon race! I said no but was told it for disabled children, so I take part because I think I probably win. I not win. No-one in race disabled! Turned out it for charity! I was very tired but raise £13.65 for charity of broken children with the gammy leg and the dribblings.

I am pleased that russian lady show respect to husband - this good, and important for strong relations. One girlfriend I have in past show no respect. I show her so often how to do things that she run out of bits to bruise, but still no good. She sometimes not do what is right and good and would be good for us. Is not wrong or dirty, they do it in greece all time and I see on telly and still she no let me ride the pork train to chocolate town. She very bad girl and in end we no happy. She dead now. Sad.

You sound lovely though. Am sure no problem like this with you! Cooking sound fun, I am good cooking too. I like the Pot Noodle and chicken in animal shapes. Also Like lesbian food.

You ask many questions in your letter sop I answer now here

I am 5 foot 1 and I am 78 stonne. I not know europe speak for this, sorry. But I look normal and healthy!
I have birthday every year I like very much the blowing on my birthday. Also of the candles.
I am colour blind. My favourite colour is red. But it might be green. I not sure.
I have no children. In england sometimes you must prove this in court of law, even if baby is black!
I like many romantic music, like Prodigy, Korn and also the Deaf Leopards
I like books of love and also sometimes the sexings! I like book with big picture as tend to find gets me there quicker.
I like the cinema too. My favourite films is the big hollywood blockbuster with the muscly men and the big bangings.
I drink in moderation. I smoke only after sex - about 20 a day! Ha ha this old english joke by comedy legend bruce forsyth. I no smoke really. I like bruce forsyth. Is he in russia? I wish he was.
I like to dance too to the calm music. I also like Low-Fi, Dirty Funk, Deep Funk and Afro Beat. Also Enya.
I like to cook like I say before and also like cleanness I think important to avoid warts and smell.

I also like the sex with my belovedest lady. Think it important to submit to demands regular like. This may be as I am from north of country.I fear maybe I ruin for you normal man and would like very much for you to make me happy one day with your slime body. That sounds like fun. I am pleased you like a man who will be defender for you. Normally I in goal but for you I always be defender. Best at full-back or on right side of centre, but not too good in air at the headings so might need a bigger man to operate in there alongside me. Perhaps in John Terry mould.

Anyway I must go now due to crippling movements in the bowels. I kiss you too as a friend for now but if given the opportunity would linger on your lips just a moment longer than last time, an unspoken understanding transmitting between us as our eyes lock, the smell of your sweet breath so alive within me, the hint, the promise that this may prove the beginning of something beautiful, the beginning of so much more than a friendship. As our gazes part, we would both become aware of our hearts hammering ever harder in our chests, sensing, perhaps knowing, that one day they would beat as one.

And then I kiss other cheek.

I would like very much to hear from you once more - your picture was beautiful and have stuck it to my wall using god's own glue.

With love,

Michael

Emails that try to take advantage of the vulnerable. Or stupid.

I got a spam email today, that is clearly trying to lure me in to part with my account code details. It is from a Russian woman looking for love apparent.y My hairy fucking arsehole she is. I've written back though. Here's her email to me, and mine to her. Enjoy. Replies will be posted here; let's just see how much of this silly twunt's time I can waste...

Hi My friend!,
I saw yours account and e-mail on a site of acquaintances. I have remembered this site Dating. I have thought and made up my mind to write a letter to you. I am looking for a good man. Probably it is impossible, but I look for love in the Internet.
I ask you to understood me. I think that may be you and I can create big and fair relations. I wanna get acquainted with you closer. I wish to arrive to the United Kingdom soon.

Some words about me. I am a Russian woman. My motherland is Russia. My city is StPetersburg. I hope you do not think about Russian women badly. I know that many bad people create bad impression of Russian women. I want to say at once that I shall not ask you for money. I wish to find love only. And probably big happiness.
Why do I search for the man in your country? My best girlfriend lives in the United Kingdom. She has married English man. They are very happy together. Such happens!
My girlfriend advised me to search for the man in Great Britain United Kingdom. She is assured that I can find a good man. I agree. Everything is possible in our world! I am sure that I can find a good and fair man in the UK.

I can arrive to the UK at any time. As soon as I want. I have a visa and the sanction to entry to the UK. I can arrive to Great Britain at any time. My girlfriend will give me money for my trip in the UK. She will pay my trip and charges. We are friends for a very long time. We always helped each other. And my girlfriend wishes to help me to arrive to the UK. I can arrive to the man who will want to create love with me. May be it is you?
My girlfriend explained to me, that I should not worry about money. She can provide me with all. Also in the future she can give me good work with the big salary. If I wish to stay in United Kingdom. And if I find a good man.

I want true and serious relations. I do not understand and I do not want to play games. I shall be happy to learn you as better as it is possible and i am ready to start to create serious relations. We can try only for the beginning. We can try to create love and happiness. I think that there are no distances and barrier for love. Only people make miracles. May be me and you will create a miracle which will be called LOVE. Do you agree with me?
I shall be glad to arrive to UK and create big feelings with you. I trust in love and in good people. I think that you are a good person.

I will wait for your answer. I will tell you about myself as it is possible more in detail in the following letters. Write to me. Your letter will do me the happiest woman. I shall wait for your letter. Promise to answer.
I wrote you this letter from common e-mail in the Internet-cafe. Write me the answer to my personal e-mail.

It is my personal e-mail:
XXXXXX (removed so none of you buggers fucks it up for me - this is love, after all)

I wait for your answer. I hope that you understand me. I want the only thing. To be happy!!!

Yours friend Elena.


Dearest Elena,

Many thanks for your wonderful emailings of today. I do not know which dating site you saw me on, as I belong to many, but I have yet to find the person with whom I can undertake serious relations. some of the internet sites I have used have been very poor at finding people who want serious attitudes from their loved ones, and just want to do naughty instead of talking and enjoying the company of the other like you seem to want to do.

I too have looked for love in the internet, but google returns many matches and it is tough to know where to begin. Just so you know, the worst websites I found for love were www.fuckbuddies.com, www.ticklemytitsandcallmebrenda.co.uk and www.girlswholikealsationlove.net - they are full of bad people and a wonderful lady like you should avoid them. They are mainly full of adult doings that does not look like love to me.

What is St Petersberg like? I see that is where you live. I live in Bournemouth. It is a lovely English town that was invented in 1976 by accident, but it is lots of fun. There are pubs and nightclubs and even a bouncy castle in the summer. I like it here a lot, the only thing that saddens my heavy heart and makes me weary is that I cannot find the woman of my dreams here. Perhaps it could be you?

Where does your friend live? I hope it is nearby, because then perhaps we could meet each other when you have visitations to this island. Or can you only come when you have found your husband? Your girlfriend sounds very nice, if she will give you a good job and pay for your ticket and charges. What is going on there exactly, all above board I hope? I have had burnings of my fingers before in such matters of lady love.

I like very much your promisations of big feelings and I am glad that you think I am a good people. I hope this letter makes you do the happiest woman, as you requested, though I am not sure how good a thing this would be.

It would make me most happiest man in Bournemouth (apart from Gordon) if you will reply to this email for I too yearn for the right lady in my life. I have many needs for her - I wish to show her love, happiness and respect. Also some ironing that has built up of late. Perhaps you could send me a picture of you and some more talkings of yourself? I would be happy to send you phtographings of me as well if you would like this.

Yours friend,

Michael

My own intestines

You bastards. You utter, utter bastards.

I am on holiday from work at the moment, but agreed to go in this morning for a meeting with some external clients. This was a bit of a clash with a lads night out last night, watching trollops in walkabout, but I'm the kind of guy that can do that kind of thing.

Only I'm not.

As soon as I sat down for this meeting, every inch of my asshole was screaming that it needed to release a build-up of noxious gas that had been busy accumulating overnight from the guinness/snakebite/kebab fiasco that was my evening.

I started to sweat and strain. I couldn't concentrate on what anyone was saying, I was concentrating too hard on containing the trouser shout that was desperate to be heard. Eventually, I managed to shuffle sideways and using muscles I never knew I had, I managed to release the fart without making a sound. I settled back into my chair feeling pleased with myself, and ready to continue the meeting.

Then the smell hit. MY GOD. The smell. It was an anal holocaust, and everybody knew it was me. The last five minutes of the meeting were wrapped up in record time as everyone tried not to gag, and no-one dared point out that it was clearly me who had done the crime.

And to top it all off, after the meeting, my boss said 'Thanks for coming in on your day off. But you really smell.'

Job done.

People who use Tesco Express to do the weekly big shop

Look you fucking great big pile of minge, I have popped in to buy a bag of sugar/bottle of wine/sandwich/some other equally small item of shopping. Whatever I am purchasing, you can bet your fat ass that I am either in a rush to get back somewhere, or I am double parked on yellow lines outside. In either case I have no fucking desire to stand behind you for three hours while you unload approximately 9 baskets of convenience food and crisps you slovenly, lazy, useless fat failure. Asda is for the big shop, and is but yards away. Now get out the fucking way before I take it in turns with the rest of the queue to hold you down while the poor cow behind the checkout kicks you in the twat.