New year - new job?

Got an email offering me the chance to earn big bucks doing fuck all. Guess they'll only need my bank details so they can start to pay me, huh? But I wonder just how competitive the selection process for this dream job is? See their email to me, and my response - complete with CV.


Hello,

International company is hiring! We are looking for for employees within the whole territory of the United Kingdom. We hire personnel at the age of 21 to 70 for rather easy work on processing of the incoming orders and performancing of simple management duties.

You don't have to be a professional or to have special training. We also don't require working experience in any field; all you need for this job are:

- Good communication skills.
- Ability to accurately follow the instructions on the solving the required tasks.
- Ready to work 5-8 hours per week.
- Ability to work with Word and Excel.
- E-mail and internet experience (minimal).

This job is ideal students, mothers, pensioners and people who are looking for the part-time job perfectly well.

All the candidates will be selected and checked on the competitive basis. To submit your application, please, send us your CV or profile to the following address:

e-mail: XXXXX

After resume approbation you'll receive detailed job information.

My answer (from my new alter-ego, Dan Humpage)

Dear Lisa,

Many thanks for your recent email regarding part-time work opportunities. Please find my CV attached. When can I start?

Warm regards,

Dan Humpage


Curriccullum Vetae – Dan Humpage
Personal statement
I am a highly motivated individual and recovering drug addict who is looking to rebuild his life following a very difficult period. My manic depression and tourrette’s syndrome mean that I am not well suited to working with other people or in a public facing role, as my mild psychosis has on occasion pushed me into regrettable physical conflict. However, I am ideally suited to working from home as it means I can mould my working hours around my propensity for self harm.

Education
The School of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies
1990-1997
GCSEs English Literature (E)
English Language (E)
Maths (E)
All other subjects (F)

Employment History

Chief Librarian, HMP Dorchester
This was a position I undertook during my most recent stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. My chief duties included putting books on the shelves, keeping a track of loans, and administering beatings for books returned overdue. I was asked to leave the post a month early due to a combination of my tourrette’s syndrome distracting library users, and a refusal to loan out a book about suicide because I didn’t think the bloke would bring it back.
Reason for leaving: Fired. Then released.

Receptionist, GP surgery
This public facing role saw me welcoming visitors to a GP surgery, booking appointments and keeping a track of their medical records. I really enjoyed this role, but my troubles with drugs meant that I found it a little too easy to help myself to the contents of the medical cupboard and my manic depression meant that I inadvertently talked two patients into suicide attempts. One of them had only come in with an ingrowing toenail. I was removed from the position against my will, and still harbour a grudge against the do-gooder that dobbed me in.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

Head chef, HMP Dartmoor
Another position I worked hard to get. I secured this position via interview, being selected ahead of a number of other candidates including ‘Slasher’ McGraw and ‘Arsenic’ Andrews (though to be fair, he was in for poisoning so you’d not really trust him in the kitchen, would you?). My job included the preparation of fresh meals for other guests.
Reason for leaving: Early parole

Teaching Assistant
Another role I really loved. I love children. REALLY love children. Turned out that was the problem. I was involved in all aspects of helping the teacher look after the class, who were aged 10-12. The class, not the teachers. Unfortunately, due to a lack of resources and insufficient training, I was frequently left to rely on my instinct and making the best of a bad situation. Matters came to a head when I was left in charge of a sex ed class and thought the kids may be interested in watching Transexual Horse Lover 3 together. I still have some of the letters written in by the parents. Shocking language, no wonder their children were so very, very naughty in bed.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

Gardener, HMP Parkhurst
This role required that I tend and maintain the gardens in and around an area of outstanding natural beauty. This was made more difficult as I was not permitted access to sharp instruments like shears due to the terms and conditions of some legal mumbo-jumbo.
Reason for leaving: Released

Entrepreneur, self-employed
Working for myself, this role required a great deal of self-motivation and organisation. I would import goods from Amsterdam, Colombia and Africa, then organise distribution through a network of similar, independent traders. I was also responsible for overseeing the accounting of the operation, managing a team of debt collectors and delivery boys.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

References are available on request.