An open letter to The Sun from a football fan

Dear ‘The Sun’,

From time to time, the nation needs an organisation or publication to stand up and speak for the little guy – the man (or woman) whose voice is never heard and who, if left to their own devices, would never be able to impress their true feelings upon the powers-that-be. It can be a hugely important part of the democratic process, and one capable of significant and powerful change.

However, that ‘voice of the people’ isn’t you, pal. Having been appalled by your jingoistic, poorly-written, ill-researched and transparently-manipulated nonsense for many years now, I would just like to clarify to you that The Sun does NOT actually speak for the nation. Don’t you DARE to assume that you understand what I think or feel about any particular situation, because you and I have about as much in common as Linda McCartney and Bernard Matthews.

Your coverage of the England management role is the latest example of your work that leads me to the inevitable conclusion that it can only be produced by a finely-trained team of chimpanzees mashing away at spittle-flecked keyboards. Some breaking news for you, guys - it just so happens that not only do those with more understanding of the subject (ie the FA) think differently; so do large swathes of the population.

Here’s the truth. Virtually nobody I know wanted Harry Redknapp as England manager. In fact, we’ve watched aghast as the man that you think is perfectly suited for the biggest job in English football has revealed some of the following flaws (all actual quotes):

From Harry himself:

“I've a big problem - I can't write. I write like a two-year-old and I can't spell. I can't work a computer, I don't know what an email is, I have never sent a fax and I've never even sent a text message.”

At this stage, it isn’t hard for any of us to see why you employ him as a columnist. The main shock is that he hasn’t risen to editor yet. But amazingly, things manage to get worse.

According to Harry: “Benoit Assou-Ekotto probably doesn't even know we are playing Chelsea.” Well, he might have a clue if you’d spent the WEEK before the game running through the complex stuff that defenders might need to know, like who he should be marking and other amazing insights that might help his performance, Harry.

In the words of Rafael van der Vaart: “There are no long and boring speeches about tactics, like I was used to at Real Madrid. There is a board in our dressing room but Harry doesn’t write anything on it. It’s not that we do nothing – but it’s close to that.”

From the mouth of Gareth Bale: “Van der Vaart took the corner and I headed it in but it was a total fluke – we don’t practice corners or have routines or anything.” (this would be less worrying if Spurs didn’t have one of the worst records for scoring from corners in the country – at one point this season they went 133 corners without one leading to a goal)

But hey, BOLLOCKS to all that – we don’t like Roy cos he SPEAKS FUNNY! HE CAN’T PRONOUNCE HIS ‘R’S! THAT’S HILARIOUS! And as for the fact that he has had the sheer TEMERITY to learn FIVE foreign languages? Well, in your own words ‘nobody likes a smart-arse’.

You really are an odious, reprehensible, grotty little rag. You gleefully contribute to a culture that promotes and rewards ignorance and obnoxious behavior, while belittling anyone who appears to present an intellectual challenge to the average knuckle-dragging white van man.

Before a ball has been kicked, you have taken it upon yourselves to suggest that the country is furious at Hodgson’s appointment when, quite simply, we aren’t. You are. You are furious because Redknapp plays your game and allows you to perpetuate the pompous myth that what you do is in some way important to the running of the game, you are furious because you pay him as a columnist, and you are furious because you’ve spent the last three months screaming EXCLUSIVE every time you mentioned his ‘inevitable’ appointment.

I’m not furious. I’m quite pleased. I’d rather we still had Fabio or Sven, to be honest, but you did a cracking job of convincing the world that we all wanted rid of them too (we didn’t, just to clarify.)

Today, your headline speaks everything of the boorish playground bully. Jealous of the quiet, studious academic with plenty of success behind them, you’ve resorted to hateful, personal insults that any right-minded individual would find disgusting. It’s nasty, unnecessary, unfair bullying – don’t dare try to dress it up as informed comment.

To claim that such language and sentiments speak for us all is tantamount to libel. I don’t think like you. I don’t act like you. In fact, I plain just don’t like you.

I don’t expect a response, because I’ve a feeling you’ll only use it to laugh at me for wearing glasses or not having cool trainers on. Now fuck off and free up some jobs for proper journalists.