I got the job!

Can't wait to tell my boss to shove it!

Hello Dan,

We have received and reviewed your resume. Your qualification is acceptable for Company Representative.

Vacancy: Administrative Assistant.


As our administrative assistant you will be working the average of 5-8 hours per week while earning an average of £800-£1600 per month. DS Trading Company has been in business since 2001, with the head office located in New York, US, and branches in Eastern Europe. We offer a variety of services to our clients, including - reselling and selling, providing auction services, and uniting sellers with administrative assistants worldwide to contribute to the productivity of the sales force.

Here are the frequently asked questions that will help you to understand better how our company works and what is the role of the administrative assistants and their responsibilities.

Who are the sellers?
All sellers have at least two years of experience in selling through major auctions such as Ebay, Qxl, and Amazon. All sellers have at least 98% positive feedback score, with at least 30 feedbacks. The sellers can be located anywhere in the world Paris, New York, Moscow, Vena, Sydney, Delhi, or any other location.

Where are the items sold?
Items are sold through top online websites such as Ebay, Amazon Auctions, Big Deals, QXL, and more.

What are the items sold?
Main items sold are: consumer electronics, jewelry, and collectibles.

What is the administrative assistant's role?
Administrative assistant's role is to unite the seller and the buyer by location.
For example, the seller is located in Paris, and wants to sell the item through UK auction site to a buyer within UK;
we will enhance the shopper's experience and increase sales by having a representative within that region of sales.

Your duties will include:
Monitoring of sales data in your region of the United Kingdom.
Receiving the clients payings.
Sorting outgoing/ingoing correspondence on request.
Provide necessary information to all the offices and vendors involved.

Is this position connected with selling or payment processes?
How the purchases notifications are sent?
The position of administrative assistant includes payments collecting and correspondence maintaining. The administrative assistant is not required to be a sales person. The buyer and seller manage the situation if the exchange is required. You will be informed by e-mail as soon as a deal is agreed, purchasing happens. The information will include buyer, purchase and pricing details. You will be working from your home office around your schedule.

Offered benefits.
We guarantee two vacations twice a year, two weeks each. While you are on vacation the compensation will be £800. You have to work for the company at least 3 months to take your first vacation. Special discounts on our items are available for our workers. We pay your taxes. We will send you an invoice declaring your income, you state the taxes and we pay the amount.

Will I be required to make any investments in the project?
How the salary is paid out?
You will not have to invest. All the organization fees are paid by the company. The salary varies between £800 and £1600. 10% of every transfer received from a customer is yours. If your month income is below £800 the company pays out the difference to you, sending it as a check or wire transfer.

Will wait for your answer!

And here is my answer

Hey, sweet cheeks. Thanks for the job offer. I'm very grateful and would like to take you up on it. I do have a few questions about the company though. As you can probably tell, I am an ambitious man. I'm not casting aspersions here, but I think some people are suited to be the administrative assistants of the world. Captains of industry like you and I, babe, are probably destined for greater things. And the best thing is that this sounds like a piece of piss way to make money. So what are my career progression opportunities? I mean, in all seriousness, I don't want to be fucking around at the bottom of the food chain for too long. I'm looking for an agreed promotion within the first six months to managerial level, and ideally a seat on the board within a year. I have a few hundred thousand dollars in a bank account that I am seriously looking to invest in a legitimate company just so's to kill the heat on a bit if you get my drift, and I think it could be a very interesting arrangement if I were to become a major investor in your business, don't you?

Anyway, that's all for the future. For now, let's talk logistics. Do I get a company car and mobile? An iPhone would be best, so I can check those auctions on the move, while I'd love a Mondeo as a set of wheels. Something I can really pimp and attract some quality bitches with. Also, business cards. I like business cards. When will they turn up? do you have a company logo? If not, I can draw you one for no extra charge.

Do let me know, I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Peace out, mo fo.

Dan