A cold-blooded killer writes...

Jesus man, enough with the caps lock. Here's his latest replay:

WARNING AS IT MAY BE RIGHT NOW I AM IN TOWN WITH MY MENS FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT AS I TOLD YOU THAT SOMEONE YOU CALL YOU FRIEND PAID ME TO ELIMINATE YOU AND I HAVE TO DO THAT WITHIN 10DAYS AND AS IT IS RIGHT NOW I HAVE PROVIDED ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION NEEDED ABOUT YOU TO MY MENS FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT , FOR YOUR OWN GOOD I WILL ADVISE YOU TO COMPLY WITH ME IF YOU WANTS TO LIVE OR DIE AND FOR YOU INFORMATION IAM NOT ASKING YOU TO PAID THE MONEY AT ONES YOUR WILL FRIST PAID $4,000 THEN I WILL SEND THE TAPE OF THE PERSON THAT WANT YOU DEAD AND WHEN THE TAPE GETS TO YOU,YOU WILL PAY THE REMAINING $8,000. GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY YOUR RECIEVE THIS MAIL THERE IS KNOW TIME TO DELAY

And my reply to him:

Hi, thanks for your mail. Can I please ask a favour - stop using capital letters? I am a dyslexic, you see, and using capitals makes it rather inaccessible to me, it can take a while for me to decipher what it is you are saying.

Got a couple of problems at this end with your demands, but want to reassure you that I am very sincere in coming up with the money so please don't do anything rash - that would be great shame for all concerned I'm sure you'd agree.

Problem one, like I told you, is that I won;t be able to get the $4,000 to you too quickly as these things take some time. Also, I meant to ask this earlier - why do you want paying in dollars when I am in the UK? Will pounds be okay? And do you mean US dollars, or Ugandan dollars? I do have some vouchers that I could include in the deal if that will help us to reach the magic $4,000 mark. A friend of mine collects them - buy one get one free at loads of restaurants, tourist attractions and so on - you could take your entire hit squad to Thorpe Park for under a tenner, for example.

Problem two is that I am a born-again Rastafarian. This means I do not have a bank account. Or, indeed, ting. This would make transferring the money to you very difficult indeed - however, I would be happy to leave the money outside my house in a hold-all (you know where that is, of course) on a date convenient to you.

And one last thing I really need reassuring from you on. I can sense in your heart you are a good man - some hitmen are just misunderstood, I believe. So I beg of you, please don't hurt my children. They mean the world to me, and I've seen how these things work in the movies. If you think I'm not moving quick enough, you grab one of the kids and use them as leverage - so please, can we have a gentleman's agreement to keep the kids out of this? They are innocent of any crimes against Blockbuster Video, so they needn't suffer.

That said, I'm a realist, so if you're left with no alternative, I'd appreciate it if you could take the girl first. She's left-handed too, so if you have to send any fingers through the mail, use the right hand as it shouldn't affect her handwriting too badly.

Okay, that's it from me.

Best wishes,

Mike