Facebook

All I've heard for months is 'are you on Facebook?' 'Get yourself on Facebook!' 'How come you're not on Facebook yet?' Today I gave in and signed up. What a bag of minge. First, apparently I can't live in Bournemouth. I have to live in Portsmouth or Bristol. Twont. I do not live in Portsmouth. I live in Bournemouth. Apparently, the 'social networking of the future' doesn't have the fucking ability to contemplate this remarkable possibility. So now I am a member of a 'Portsmouth network' despite never having even fucking been there. Bullshit.

Second, the thing asks for FAR too much fucking information. If I pull, and the missus is on Facebook, I can add her so the whole world knows. Then, when things go wrong (as they inevitably will when she checks my internet favourites or finds the bits of the prostitute I couldn't flush away) you can all tell exactly when I added the fact that things were 'complicated' and then when the final nail is hammered into the coffin, when I am single again. Fucking marvellous. 'Oh look - he fucked this one up even quicker than the last one. Three days! Silly cunt!'

Third, if I want to stay in touch with you, I'll probably make the effort. The number of people fawning all over each other on there is sickening. 'Oh babe I missed you so much when you moved to Brighton'. THEY HAVE TELEPHONES IN BRIGHTON TOO. you obviously weren't that fucking bothered were you?

Fourth, the cunting thing kept telling me it had sent a confirmation to my email address which never turned up. Stop lying.

Fifth (I'm going to stop counting now, this might be quite a long post, go and get a cuppa if I were you) is the fact that it won't verify me because my mobile phone doesn't allow verification. It looks real enough to me, but the joyuos upshot of this is that I have to strain my eyes trying to read some twisted combination of letters and numbers every time I do anything on the fucking site. Its a miracle I haven't had at least four epileptic fits so far. And is that an O or a 0? WHY EVEN USE THEM BOTH IN THAT SCENARIO YOU STUPID RETARDED CUNT OF A WEBSITE?

Is the world REALLY that bothered about what I'm doing at the weekend? even my mum couldn't give a shit, so the chance to tell the world I will be selling my remaining furniture before injecting crack into my eyeballs seems a tad wasted.

And I can poke people. Exept I presume it doesn't ACTUALLY hunt them down and send some numpty from Facebook HQ to burst into their office and poke them. I can also do all manner of other things (hug, kiss, drop kick, dance) but again - what's the difference? Surely it just sends them a message? Can I finger a stranger? That might make it worthwhile.

It's an unwieldy, badly programmed, poorly thought-out bag of shit that I have signed up to so I can write on the walls of people who sit in my own fucking office. I mean, this sort of freinds reunited thing is kinda understandable, but people are using it to communicate with people that THEY CAN JUST FUCKING EMAIL. It's that god-awful 'look at me, I'm in the cool gang, see all my friends, look how beautiful they all are' mentality that makes me sooooo fucking annoyed.

And lastly, there was a story that broke today about a tramp in Bournemouth who has his own fan club or community or whatever it is on the site. He wanders around the town (I've seen the guy loads of times) and is a friendly old sort, often posing for photos with people and he has got this remarkable ability to get the time right without wearing a watch. Though the fact he doesn;t have a house suggests its not actually all that useful a talent, to be fair.

Anyway, some totally fucking brilliantly cool and witty student has put a fan club on there, and it now has over 5,000 members. Well done people.How fucking cool you all are. Well done you. Let's laugh at the bloke, let's show HOW FUCKING SUPERIOR we are, lets be totally fucking hilarious by doing this. But lets not actually have the bollocks to admit this; oh no. Lets pretend that we do it because we care, not because our shithole lives have left us without enough personality for us to qualify as interesting in our own right. Instead, let's share photographs of us dressed in top shops finest clothes on our cunty hen nights posing with the bloke, about whom we know nothing and care less. Let's bask in the reflected post-modern irony of the fact that the bloke doesn't have a computer.

Now, the fact is that the guy will do okay out of this - people will give him a few more quid etc, and he has become something of a celebrity. But if any one of you cunts pretends that's why your fucking well doing it then I will hunt you down and shit in your fucking mouth. you're laughing at the bloke and I hope all your children grow up to have small cocks. Even the girls. His group (it's Gordon the Tramp, by the way) has 5,700 members when I checked just now. Tell you what. If you all think he's that much of a legend, who don;t you all give him a tenner? Might help him out a bit, eh, and you wouldn't all feel like such cunts deep down inside. Motherfuckers.

Oh, and for the record, next time I see him I probably will say hi, like i often do. I don't need some cunty website to make me feel hilarious for doing so. Fuck you, facebook.