Dear ‘The Sun’,
From time to time, the nation needs an organisation or publication to stand up and speak for the little guy – the man (or woman) whose voice is never heard and who, if left to their own devices, would never be able to impress their true feelings upon the powers-that-be. It can be a hugely important part of the democratic process, and one capable of significant and powerful change.
However, that ‘voice of the people’ isn’t you, pal. Having been appalled by your jingoistic, poorly-written, ill-researched and transparently-manipulated nonsense for many years now, I would just like to clarify to you that The Sun does NOT actually speak for the nation. Don’t you DARE to assume that you understand what I think or feel about any particular situation, because you and I have about as much in common as Linda McCartney and Bernard Matthews.
Your coverage of the England management role is the latest example of your work that leads me to the inevitable conclusion that it can only be produced by a finely-trained team of chimpanzees mashing away at spittle-flecked keyboards. Some breaking news for you, guys - it just so happens that not only do those with more understanding of the subject (ie the FA) think differently; so do large swathes of the population.
Here’s the truth. Virtually nobody I know wanted Harry Redknapp as England manager. In fact, we’ve watched aghast as the man that you think is perfectly suited for the biggest job in English football has revealed some of the following flaws (all actual quotes):
From Harry himself:
“I've a big problem - I can't write. I write like a two-year-old and I can't spell. I can't work a computer, I don't know what an email is, I have never sent a fax and I've never even sent a text message.”
At this stage, it isn’t hard for any of us to see why you employ him as a columnist. The main shock is that he hasn’t risen to editor yet. But amazingly, things manage to get worse.
According to Harry: “Benoit Assou-Ekotto probably doesn't even know we are playing Chelsea.” Well, he might have a clue if you’d spent the WEEK before the game running through the complex stuff that defenders might need to know, like who he should be marking and other amazing insights that might help his performance, Harry.
In the words of Rafael van der Vaart: “There are no long and boring speeches about tactics, like I was used to at Real Madrid. There is a board in our dressing room but Harry doesn’t write anything on it. It’s not that we do nothing – but it’s close to that.”
From the mouth of Gareth Bale: “Van der Vaart took the corner and I headed it in but it was a total fluke – we don’t practice corners or have routines or anything.” (this would be less worrying if Spurs didn’t have one of the worst records for scoring from corners in the country – at one point this season they went 133 corners without one leading to a goal)
But hey, BOLLOCKS to all that – we don’t like Roy cos he SPEAKS FUNNY! HE CAN’T PRONOUNCE HIS ‘R’S! THAT’S HILARIOUS! And as for the fact that he has had the sheer TEMERITY to learn FIVE foreign languages? Well, in your own words ‘nobody likes a smart-arse’.
You really are an odious, reprehensible, grotty little rag. You gleefully contribute to a culture that promotes and rewards ignorance and obnoxious behavior, while belittling anyone who appears to present an intellectual challenge to the average knuckle-dragging white van man.
Before a ball has been kicked, you have taken it upon yourselves to suggest that the country is furious at Hodgson’s appointment when, quite simply, we aren’t. You are. You are furious because Redknapp plays your game and allows you to perpetuate the pompous myth that what you do is in some way important to the running of the game, you are furious because you pay him as a columnist, and you are furious because you’ve spent the last three months screaming EXCLUSIVE every time you mentioned his ‘inevitable’ appointment.
I’m not furious. I’m quite pleased. I’d rather we still had Fabio or Sven, to be honest, but you did a cracking job of convincing the world that we all wanted rid of them too (we didn’t, just to clarify.)
Today, your headline speaks everything of the boorish playground bully. Jealous of the quiet, studious academic with plenty of success behind them, you’ve resorted to hateful, personal insults that any right-minded individual would find disgusting. It’s nasty, unnecessary, unfair bullying – don’t dare try to dress it up as informed comment.
To claim that such language and sentiments speak for us all is tantamount to libel. I don’t think like you. I don’t act like you. In fact, I plain just don’t like you.
I don’t expect a response, because I’ve a feeling you’ll only use it to laugh at me for wearing glasses or not having cool trainers on. Now fuck off and free up some jobs for proper journalists.
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Thursday, 29 March 2012
Fat women with butterfly tattoos
Yeah, because absolutely nothing sums up your inner pixie like the most delicate of nature's creatures you massive fat fucking troglodyte. 'I know I may look like a swamp donkey, but I'm a dainty little thing on the inside'.
Are you fucking bollocks, you fat ugly heffalump. Extra hatred accrued for having the tattoo on the small of your back, the top of your neck or the top of your tit.
Now fuck off back to your burger.
Are you fucking bollocks, you fat ugly heffalump. Extra hatred accrued for having the tattoo on the small of your back, the top of your neck or the top of your tit.
Now fuck off back to your burger.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Why our football team is going to the dogs
Taking a look at the players currently available to whomever the new England manager will be, it could conceivably consist of the following XI – all of whom had to be relied on by Capello at some time or other during his time in charge:
1) David James – had an affair behind wife’s back with a Hollyoaks star.
2) Glen Johnson – stole a toilet seat from B&Q
3) Ashley Cole – cheats on his wife and sends naked images to other woman
4) Steven Gerrard – caught on CCTV twatting a DJ
5) John Terry – escaped jail after assault and affray in 2002, mocked grieving American tourists in the immediate aftermath of 9/11, had an affair with his team-mate’s wife and has been filmed shouting racist abuse at a fellow professional
6) Rio Ferdinand – consoled himself on missing out for Euro 2000 by going on holiday and filming an orgy with his team mates
7) Jermaine Pennant – jailed for drink driving and has actually had to play while wearing an electronic tag.
8) Frank Lampard – a co-performer in Rio’s sex tape.
9) Peter Crouch – uses teenage whores behind his girlfriend’s back.
10) Wayne Rooney- uses granny whores behind his wife’s back
11) Jermaine Defoe – had sex in his car in broad daylight just yards from a full playground
And apparently, Fabio Capello has ‘failed to motivate them’. What utterly shameful, embarrassing bollocks. The man has won titles in Italy and Spain, as well as the Champion’s League. Are we to assume that he does not know how to motivate? Or is it fairer to say he is used to working with committed professionals capable of concentrating on the roles he asks them to fill, meaning he can concentrate on tactical gameplans to maximize his team’s strengths and minimize the opposition’s?
To succeed as England manager, it would seem the most important things you can do is to get up first and make the players their Coco Pops, telling them that they are mummy’s special soldier and only playing a formation that suits them and lets them run around and kick the ball as much as they want in the way that they want to do it. Team briefings should not interrupt anyone texting their mistress/arranging a visit from a whore and there is no need to concentrate on the finer points of tactical play. Training should be focused 100% around RUNNING THROUGH BRICK WALLS and nothing else because that, ultimately, is how they will be judged.
Because the manager is foreign, he could have absolutely no pride in the shirt whatsoever, unlike the squad of English born, English-bred Neanderthals who would never leave these glorious shores if it wasn’t for the inconvenience of away games. They demonstrate their pride by adhering to no moral code whatsoever and placing themselves and their egos at the very centre of the universe.
When they inevitably are found wanting when coming up against disciplined, intelligent professionals who are able to work with their coach to identify and execute a gameplan, the will stare around in bewildered buffoonery looking for someone else to blame for this seemingly inexplicable glitch in the matrix. Sometimes it is the fault of the officials, but as long as it is someone foreign that doesn’t understand just how important the bulldog spirit is then the world is back on an even keel and we can all look forward to repeating the entire fuckshow at the next available opportunity.
Fabio Capello is not to blame for this disgusting state of affairs any more than Sven was (indeed, the two most successful managers in England’s history when judged on number of wins and tournaments qualified for, as opposed to the percentage of brick walls run through, pints of blood spilled and decibels achieved while singing our national anthem/booing the enemy’s opposition’s.
Nope, the reason English football is in the shit is because we’ve engineered a system where they earn too much money to worry or care about anything. Ever. Lacking the discipline or intelligence of European footballers, we hoik them out of school aged about 6 and create monstrous personalities that are doomed to end in inevitable Shakespearean tragedy.
Imagine doing your job safe in the knowledge that if you and your colleagues are absolutely shit, your boss will be the one that gets fired. That you don’t actually need to justify your salary through your performance, because you can’t be sacked. That even if somehow your boss does look like succeeding in forcing you out, another company doing exactly the same thing will probably pay you even more money than the sum you already fail to justify.
Do you think you’d thrive and excel, or become lazy, arrogant and un-motivated? I think a whole lot of people would fall into the latter category – and every single professional footballer would be there with you.
There are, of course, English footballers out there who are committed to improving themselves and show the passion and motivation that are needed for success. What they need is for those who lack those characteristics to stop taking up valuable squad space that could be given to someone who actually gives a shit.
Poor old Fabio tried to treat the bunch of miscreants currently disgracing the Three Lions like adults, in the belief that they could change. If he made a major mistake during his tenure, that was it. But had he summarily dismissed them all and started from scratch with a new squad, he’d have been slaughtered by the media and such inexperience would also have been laid painfully bare for all to see when put to the sword by world football’s finest.
What we need to do is give the obnoxious twats that currently infest our team one final hurrah (or boo) and then rebuild. Write off the next world cup because we don’t have the kind of experienced leaders left for the new generation to look up to. Behaviourally, we are two generations of footballer away from having any kind of chance at a major tournament because we simply cannot conduct ourselves in a manner that enables a solid infrastructure to be built around the team upon which success can be built.
I just hope the Tom Cleverleys, the Jack Wilshires and the Daniel Sturridges are watching and learning from just how wrong the ‘golden generation’ that preceded them got it. If they can be part of a new England environment that rewards intelligence, teamwork and commitment rather than massaging egos and referee personality battles on the covers of the nation’s tabloids then we just MIGHT have a chance.
But don’t for one second think that Fabio Cappello’s departure will change any of this. It makes it much, much worse. Fabio, you’re best off out of it – you deserve to work with much, much better than what England had to offer you.
1) David James – had an affair behind wife’s back with a Hollyoaks star.
2) Glen Johnson – stole a toilet seat from B&Q
3) Ashley Cole – cheats on his wife and sends naked images to other woman
4) Steven Gerrard – caught on CCTV twatting a DJ
5) John Terry – escaped jail after assault and affray in 2002, mocked grieving American tourists in the immediate aftermath of 9/11, had an affair with his team-mate’s wife and has been filmed shouting racist abuse at a fellow professional
6) Rio Ferdinand – consoled himself on missing out for Euro 2000 by going on holiday and filming an orgy with his team mates
7) Jermaine Pennant – jailed for drink driving and has actually had to play while wearing an electronic tag.
8) Frank Lampard – a co-performer in Rio’s sex tape.
9) Peter Crouch – uses teenage whores behind his girlfriend’s back.
10) Wayne Rooney- uses granny whores behind his wife’s back
11) Jermaine Defoe – had sex in his car in broad daylight just yards from a full playground
And apparently, Fabio Capello has ‘failed to motivate them’. What utterly shameful, embarrassing bollocks. The man has won titles in Italy and Spain, as well as the Champion’s League. Are we to assume that he does not know how to motivate? Or is it fairer to say he is used to working with committed professionals capable of concentrating on the roles he asks them to fill, meaning he can concentrate on tactical gameplans to maximize his team’s strengths and minimize the opposition’s?
To succeed as England manager, it would seem the most important things you can do is to get up first and make the players their Coco Pops, telling them that they are mummy’s special soldier and only playing a formation that suits them and lets them run around and kick the ball as much as they want in the way that they want to do it. Team briefings should not interrupt anyone texting their mistress/arranging a visit from a whore and there is no need to concentrate on the finer points of tactical play. Training should be focused 100% around RUNNING THROUGH BRICK WALLS and nothing else because that, ultimately, is how they will be judged.
Because the manager is foreign, he could have absolutely no pride in the shirt whatsoever, unlike the squad of English born, English-bred Neanderthals who would never leave these glorious shores if it wasn’t for the inconvenience of away games. They demonstrate their pride by adhering to no moral code whatsoever and placing themselves and their egos at the very centre of the universe.
When they inevitably are found wanting when coming up against disciplined, intelligent professionals who are able to work with their coach to identify and execute a gameplan, the will stare around in bewildered buffoonery looking for someone else to blame for this seemingly inexplicable glitch in the matrix. Sometimes it is the fault of the officials, but as long as it is someone foreign that doesn’t understand just how important the bulldog spirit is then the world is back on an even keel and we can all look forward to repeating the entire fuckshow at the next available opportunity.
Fabio Capello is not to blame for this disgusting state of affairs any more than Sven was (indeed, the two most successful managers in England’s history when judged on number of wins and tournaments qualified for, as opposed to the percentage of brick walls run through, pints of blood spilled and decibels achieved while singing our national anthem/booing the enemy’s opposition’s.
Nope, the reason English football is in the shit is because we’ve engineered a system where they earn too much money to worry or care about anything. Ever. Lacking the discipline or intelligence of European footballers, we hoik them out of school aged about 6 and create monstrous personalities that are doomed to end in inevitable Shakespearean tragedy.
Imagine doing your job safe in the knowledge that if you and your colleagues are absolutely shit, your boss will be the one that gets fired. That you don’t actually need to justify your salary through your performance, because you can’t be sacked. That even if somehow your boss does look like succeeding in forcing you out, another company doing exactly the same thing will probably pay you even more money than the sum you already fail to justify.
Do you think you’d thrive and excel, or become lazy, arrogant and un-motivated? I think a whole lot of people would fall into the latter category – and every single professional footballer would be there with you.
There are, of course, English footballers out there who are committed to improving themselves and show the passion and motivation that are needed for success. What they need is for those who lack those characteristics to stop taking up valuable squad space that could be given to someone who actually gives a shit.
Poor old Fabio tried to treat the bunch of miscreants currently disgracing the Three Lions like adults, in the belief that they could change. If he made a major mistake during his tenure, that was it. But had he summarily dismissed them all and started from scratch with a new squad, he’d have been slaughtered by the media and such inexperience would also have been laid painfully bare for all to see when put to the sword by world football’s finest.
What we need to do is give the obnoxious twats that currently infest our team one final hurrah (or boo) and then rebuild. Write off the next world cup because we don’t have the kind of experienced leaders left for the new generation to look up to. Behaviourally, we are two generations of footballer away from having any kind of chance at a major tournament because we simply cannot conduct ourselves in a manner that enables a solid infrastructure to be built around the team upon which success can be built.
I just hope the Tom Cleverleys, the Jack Wilshires and the Daniel Sturridges are watching and learning from just how wrong the ‘golden generation’ that preceded them got it. If they can be part of a new England environment that rewards intelligence, teamwork and commitment rather than massaging egos and referee personality battles on the covers of the nation’s tabloids then we just MIGHT have a chance.
But don’t for one second think that Fabio Cappello’s departure will change any of this. It makes it much, much worse. Fabio, you’re best off out of it – you deserve to work with much, much better than what England had to offer you.
Thursday, 8 July 2010
I'm giving away MILLIONS for charidee
------Original Message------
From: Mr. Adada Adada
To: undisclosed-recipients:;,
ReplyTo: xxxxxx
Subject: Re: Charity Request.
Sent: 8 Jul 2010 11:39
Hello Friend,
I am Mr. Adada an Oil merchant in Iraq; i have been diagnosed with esophageal cancer.
It has defied all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts, just recently my doctor inform me i have a few weeks to live due to the esophageal cancer. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of fifteen million dollars $15, 000, 000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations. I!
t may interest you to know that i
I have set aside 10% for you and for your time.
God be with you.
Mr. Adada
My reply:
Hello, FRIEND!
Dear Mr Adadadadadada Dadadadadada (is there a tune for that, by the way?)
I was utterly amazed and delighted to find you nestling deep within my box this morning. Obviously, bad old news about the cancer. boohoo and all that. Still, onwards and upwards, eh old chap? Must say it is terribly good of you to be thinking of me (and the charities) at this difficult stage for you. Throat cancer is a real pain in the neck.
I am a similarly charitable soul to yourself, and have always tried to live a pious life (preferably steak and ale or chicken and mushroom). I wouldn't worry about the fact that you have been an evil tyrant most of your life - the great thing about God is that as long as you are really sorry about all the prostitutes and killings and whatever, he'll still let you in at the last minute.
Given that you want to give alms to charity and are based in Iraq, I have toyed with the idea of creating a charitable foundation on your behalf to oversee these wishes. However, I have already made a number of phone calls and the response I got to my suggestions of a new charity entitled Let's Send Alms to Iraq was given very short shrift by everyone between A and C in the Yellow Pages. Thank goodness for my 100 free minutes on my mobile contract, eh?
Anyhow, to business. I would like to accept your offer and would love to accept delivery of the full amount ($15,000,000) via Western Union transfer. They have a branch in my local high street so it probably seems easiest that way.
The specific charities I would like to support with your most generous donation are:
Scooby doo-ings
This is a charity that re-homes sexually traumatised animals that have been subjected to vicious sodomy, rendering them unwilling to work as guide dogs if their owner can get that easily confused after three pints of special brew.
Free Cambodian Women
I want to make all women in Cambodia free - a notion I am sure you would agree with. The idea is that instead of having to pay for them by the hour, or night, a central fund would be set up which enables tourists to just book whichever one they want for the evening without having to actually pay for it. This extra saving for the tourist could bring millions of extra visitors to the country, based on the freedom of women, and there would be substantial benefits in supporting industries such as the manufacture of rohypnol, neat vodka, and shallow graves - all of which will still be needed, fee or no fee!
The Louise Bennett Holiday fund.
Poor Louise Bennet was born with no eyes, limbs, ears or lungs. She can survive only by drinking yak's milk through her tear ducts, due to a crippling series of allergies that leave her intolerant of most everyday items including Marmite, Fairy Liquid, dust, oxygen and knicker elastic. I have met Louise on a number of occasions and she is a remarkable young woman. She can only communicate by banging her stumps against a tambourine in morse code, but she has expressed to me that her lifelong ambition is to perform an unaided skydive over the grand canyon in america. I would love to pay for her family and her to travel to america so that she can perform her unaided sky dive, and have been saving money to make it happen. On the plus side, we will probably need one less seat reservation on the return flight, so that will save the charity a few quid.
The summer cull
I live in a beautiful seaside resort in England where every year, the view on the beach is ruined by fat mingers in bikinis. It makes finding the real hotties a chore. This charity will provide a summer home for all the mingers, away from the area, where they will be happy to eat chips and watch Keremy Kyle safe in the knowledge that Greenpeace will not turn up while they sunbathe on the beach and try to roll them back into the sea.
Obviously, these are just a few of my own suggestions - I would love to hear from you about any charities that you would like to give money to, and look forward to your next email with moist anticipation.
Remember dude - it's all for charidee.
Cuddles and love,
Mr Biggles
From: Mr. Adada Adada
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
ReplyTo: xxxxxx
Subject: Re: Charity Request.
Sent: 8 Jul 2010 11:39
Hello Friend,
I am Mr. Adada an Oil merchant in Iraq; i have been diagnosed with esophageal cancer.
It has defied all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts, just recently my doctor inform me i have a few weeks to live due to the esophageal cancer. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of fifteen million dollars $15, 000, 000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations. I!
t may interest you to know that i
I have set aside 10% for you and for your time.
God be with you.
Mr. Adada
My reply:
Hello, FRIEND!
Dear Mr Adadadadadada Dadadadadada (is there a tune for that, by the way?)
I was utterly amazed and delighted to find you nestling deep within my box this morning. Obviously, bad old news about the cancer. boohoo and all that. Still, onwards and upwards, eh old chap? Must say it is terribly good of you to be thinking of me (and the charities) at this difficult stage for you. Throat cancer is a real pain in the neck.
I am a similarly charitable soul to yourself, and have always tried to live a pious life (preferably steak and ale or chicken and mushroom). I wouldn't worry about the fact that you have been an evil tyrant most of your life - the great thing about God is that as long as you are really sorry about all the prostitutes and killings and whatever, he'll still let you in at the last minute.
Given that you want to give alms to charity and are based in Iraq, I have toyed with the idea of creating a charitable foundation on your behalf to oversee these wishes. However, I have already made a number of phone calls and the response I got to my suggestions of a new charity entitled Let's Send Alms to Iraq was given very short shrift by everyone between A and C in the Yellow Pages. Thank goodness for my 100 free minutes on my mobile contract, eh?
Anyhow, to business. I would like to accept your offer and would love to accept delivery of the full amount ($15,000,000) via Western Union transfer. They have a branch in my local high street so it probably seems easiest that way.
The specific charities I would like to support with your most generous donation are:
Scooby doo-ings
This is a charity that re-homes sexually traumatised animals that have been subjected to vicious sodomy, rendering them unwilling to work as guide dogs if their owner can get that easily confused after three pints of special brew.
Free Cambodian Women
I want to make all women in Cambodia free - a notion I am sure you would agree with. The idea is that instead of having to pay for them by the hour, or night, a central fund would be set up which enables tourists to just book whichever one they want for the evening without having to actually pay for it. This extra saving for the tourist could bring millions of extra visitors to the country, based on the freedom of women, and there would be substantial benefits in supporting industries such as the manufacture of rohypnol, neat vodka, and shallow graves - all of which will still be needed, fee or no fee!
The Louise Bennett Holiday fund.
Poor Louise Bennet was born with no eyes, limbs, ears or lungs. She can survive only by drinking yak's milk through her tear ducts, due to a crippling series of allergies that leave her intolerant of most everyday items including Marmite, Fairy Liquid, dust, oxygen and knicker elastic. I have met Louise on a number of occasions and she is a remarkable young woman. She can only communicate by banging her stumps against a tambourine in morse code, but she has expressed to me that her lifelong ambition is to perform an unaided skydive over the grand canyon in america. I would love to pay for her family and her to travel to america so that she can perform her unaided sky dive, and have been saving money to make it happen. On the plus side, we will probably need one less seat reservation on the return flight, so that will save the charity a few quid.
The summer cull
I live in a beautiful seaside resort in England where every year, the view on the beach is ruined by fat mingers in bikinis. It makes finding the real hotties a chore. This charity will provide a summer home for all the mingers, away from the area, where they will be happy to eat chips and watch Keremy Kyle safe in the knowledge that Greenpeace will not turn up while they sunbathe on the beach and try to roll them back into the sea.
Obviously, these are just a few of my own suggestions - I would love to hear from you about any charities that you would like to give money to, and look forward to your next email with moist anticipation.
Remember dude - it's all for charidee.
Cuddles and love,
Mr Biggles
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
An open letter to Sunderland AFC
Dear Steve Bruce (and the first team squad at Sunderland)
Jesus TITTY FUCKING CHRIST
What an embarrassing display of fuckwittery you are currently treating us all to! I wasn't aware that the current training regime was being overseen by the bastard lovechildren of Charlie Chaplin, the Chuckle Brothers and Morecombe and Wise, but the utterly embarrassing, humiliating FUCK KNUCKLE performances that you have turned in recently would suggest that rather than dribbling footballs round cones and learning how to play incisive one-twos around the opposition's box, you have instead been mastering the art of turning round whilst holding a ladder and twatting each other face-first into piles of cow shit, or leaning on recently-removed sections of the bar in the Nag's Head.
I have never in my life been so APPALLED at a bunch of footballers - and I've supported Sunderland for my entire life. That means I have seen some phenomenal shite (see McCarthy, M and McMenemy, L). But fuck me, you take the biscuit. You take the whole packet of fucking hobnobs, stick them up your arse (individually) and run off into the sunset singing the theme tune from Glee, actually.
It's bad enough that you look like the kid from that Mask film with Cher, if his face was set on fire and put out with a shovel, shortly before a swarm of killer bees took it in turn to sting his face, then force-feed him peanuts just before he discovered a horrific allergy to the fucking things. Then inject him with all the botox left over after Michael Jackson died.
No, annoying as it is looking at you (Mrs Bruce must have one hell of an imagination, if she lets you bone her with a face like a bagful of smashed twats), it is the fact that you somehow manage to send the troops out to battle with such a remarkable dedication to inefficiency that they somehow manage to fuck up like they did tonight.
We were playing BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE. A team that has not even got enough money to pay the paperboy. A club that has taken hit after hit after hit. A team that had its best players sold without the MD or manager being told. A team that, until recently, could not afford to play its own goalkeeper. A team that has less money than me (and I had to borrow a fiver to buy a bottle of wine to get me through the dismal existence that was listening to your overpaid shitstains lose tonight). A team that is OWNED BY THE FUCKING BAILIFFS. Never before in the history of football has a team been as badly run as Pompey. Tonight, you made them look like a well-oiled machine. We were a Morrisons to their Marks & Spencer.
To recap, we were playing against a team that is about as capable of winning the Premier League as Mohammed Ali is of winning gymnastic floor show (girls) at the next Olympics. A team that is so worried about where the next blow is coming from that they are starting to resemble a squirrel trapped in a room full of rocking chairs. Yet, faced with this glorious opportunity to halt the biggest slide since Lando Calrissian fell into that pit with the tongue things, you and your heroic employees decided that it was not necessary to take advantage of the fact that they were down to TEN MEN after a trifling TWELVE MINUTES and we were ONE NIL UP. No, like a confused former paedophile in a nursing home we decided to ignore the chance to bury the past, and show matron our photo collection.
You FUCKWITS. I admit that I do not yet hold my UEFA B Licence, but if the exam asks 'what should you do when winning one-nil away from home against bottom of the league when they are reduced to ten men?', DO NOT answer 'get two intellectually subnormal fucktards sent off as quickly as possible, then let them equalise while I stand there looking like someone just wanked on my children's faces in the queue for their school bus'. That might help you progress as a coach.
I sincerely hope that our team of multimillionaires learns from this latest unmitigated disaster. I am not hopeful, however. To be honest, I am not especially hopeful that any of them can actually wipe their own arse without getting shit on their chin, but perhaps time will prove me wrong.
In the meantime, I fucking quit. You are not worth the anger and hatred that following you engender in me. It's like going out with a bird who fucks all my mates, just because we went for a pizza 15 years ago and had a nice evening, and you never know, it might happen again sometime.
Besides which, there are only so many tramps I can kick to death in the aftermath of our failures to win without eventually being traced, and your shitehole football club is no longer worth the risk of an official police caution.
FUCK YOU.
Love,
The Fucking Angry Man.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
The Angry Man - LIVE
Sorry for lack of updates. Busy and shit, innit.
Anyhow, when I was in my prime and replying to lots of emails, I also got a few mails of the 'add me to your msn and we can chat sometime' ilk. I duly did, but no-one ever popped up on my MSN - until today. A young lady (yeah right) by the name of Carapachi. It had been so long since I added him/her/it/them that I could not remember the scam, but it followed the usual rules, building up to me providing my credit card details...
I proceeded to chat with the usual angry man bullshit answers, fully expecting to be cut off after a matter of seconds. To my amazement, with the self awareness of an MPs expenses accountant, the dumb fuckers just kept on trucking. My personal highlight is the song recital - the extra typos suggest that they weren't even cutting and pasting, but actually typing it out. I like to imagine that they were singing along too, but they can't be that naive -can they??
Anyhow, full conversation below - not too clever with formatting so I am in bold and she isn't - hope that the conversation is easy enough for you all to follow but if not stick something in the comments and I'll have a play with it (I ain't no weblord). And if you like it, stick something in the fucking comments anyway, it's take take take with you bastards and I never get any positive feedback on these pages...
carapuchi says: (16:37:42)
hello how are you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:38:14)
fine thanks, you?
carapuchi says: (16:40:26)
im fine thx babe
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:40:42)
busy day?
carapuchi says: (16:41:55)
not soooo
carapuchi says: (16:41:57)
so where are you from and how old are you baby
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:43:24)
i am from england and i am 32 and a quarter. What about you?
carapuchi says: (16:44:31)
im from uk warwick and im 23 :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:44:51)
a whippersnapper, eh
carapuchi says: (16:45:59)
waht do u mean
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:46:25)
young, compared to an old fart like me
carapuchi says: (16:47:47)
no its ok baby no worries :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:48:01)
so what do you do for a living then?
carapuchi says: (16:49:02)
i am a bikini model
carapuchi says: (16:49:04)
how about you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:49:17)
me too! what are the odds!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:49:42)
i would imagine that is rather seasonal work - how do you make ends meet the rest of the year?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:49:47)
winter must be tough
carapuchi says: (16:50:38)
yeah
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:51:34)
Do you model for any famous companies then?
carapuchi says: (16:52:05)
not yet maybe soon .... when i got win the contest that i join :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:52:29)
which contest is that then?
carapuchi says: (16:53:07)
its a contest in new york bikini modeling
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:53:19)
how exciting.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:53:21)
when is it?
carapuchi says: (16:53:46)
this comming feb 14
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:57:26)
how romanti
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:57:30)
romantic, even
carapuchi says: (16:58:03)
sexy romantic :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:58:34)
i cant imagine a bikini contest would be very romantic - quite competitive.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:58:57)
My cousin was in one once, it was terrible - the stage was charged by a buffalo and one of the girls was trampled to death
carapuchi says: (16:59:25)
ohh thats sucks :(
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:01)
yes it was very traumatic. They had to club the buffalo to death using their shoes in the end.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:08)
poor thing.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:37)
I don't even know what a live buffalo was doing in the british museum, ridiculous
carapuchi says: (17:01:43)
yeah poor thing :(
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:46)
where is your bikini contest being held?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:33)
is it near any buffalos?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:36)
be careful baby
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:39)
they are big animals
carapuchi says: (17:03:40)
new york city
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:55)
yes you said - wondered what building it was in
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:04:00)
its not a zoo is it?
carapuchi says: (17:05:43)
no baby
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:05:54)
oh thank god.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:06:12)
i think the world has seen enough bikini contests disrupted by animal savagery
carapuchi says: (17:06:28)
baby by the way can i ask you some little favor if its ok to you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:06:35)
of course you can, sugar cheeks
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:07:13)
which part of warwick are you from, by the way? I am unfamiliar with the grammatical rules in that part of the world, they seem quite baffling at times!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:07:53)
if your favour is to see a picture of me naked, I am afraid I only have those pictures on my work computer
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:08:06)
but pretty much anything else I will do for you
carapuchi says: (17:09:00)
can you give me a a vote on my pages using my own card info so i can be the top model for the month of january
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:09:21)
isn't that cheating?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:09:37)
i mean, if i am voting for you because i know you and we are friends?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:10:24)
i dont mind though. I just believe that if we can't rely on the integrity of a bikini contest, then all that we know to be good and pure in the world may be under threat
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:10:28)
no matter.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:11:38)
what do you need me to do?
carapuchi says: (17:12:05)
no baby its not
carapuchi says: (17:12:09)
dont worry ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:12:17)
i'm not going to jail? you promise?
carapuchi says: (17:13:09)
yeah no worriess just lsiten to me and follow my guide ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:14:31)
hmm. okay. But do you cross your heart and hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye? (if you type yes then i will accept your answer on this and we can proceed)
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:15:01)
just type yes
carapuchi says: (17:15:14)
YEAH YES
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:15:17)
and then i need you to do one favour for me before we start!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:15:35)
will yousing a song for me
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:16:18)
please?
carapuchi says: (17:16:25)
wah do u mean sogn
carapuchi says: (17:16:27)
song
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:16:30)
i'll take your word that you are singing, you just have to sing the lines as i type them
carapuchi says: (17:17:06)
ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:08)
yes, a song!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:24)
ok, it will only be a few lines, but I will type them
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:28)
then you can type them as you sing them
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:40)
after the first verse and the chorus, i will do your bidding!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:41)
deal?
carapuchi says: (17:17:52)
ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:12)
It's 'end of the road' by Boyz To Men.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:15)
It means a lot to me.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:39)
Girl you know we belong together, I don't have time for you to be playing with my heart like this
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:52)
You'll be mine forever baby, you just wait
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:19:25)
We belong together and you know that I am right why do you play with my heart why do you play with my mind?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:19:47)
Daid we'd be forever said it'd never die, how could you love me and leave me and never say goodbye
carapuchi says: (17:19:57)
cool
Girl you now we beolng together, I don't have time for you to playiwith my heart like this oull be mine forever baby you just wait We belong together and you knwo that I am right why do you play with my hert why do you play with mymind?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:20:10)
When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight girl,. each time I just break down and cry
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:20:27)
Pain in my head oh i'd rather be dead, spinning around and around
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:20:43)
(here comes the choruse - are you singing?)
carapuchi says: (17:20:54)
yeah i am baby
When I can't sleep at nihgt without holding you tight girl,. each time I just break down and crypain in my head oh id rather be dead, spining around and aound
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:21:57)
Although we've come to the end of the road, still i can't let go. It's unnatural (its unnatural) you belong to me, i belong to you
carapuchi says: (17:22:13)
is that your fav. song?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:15)
(you type that bit out while I harmonise at this end, and we are done!)
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:20)
yes it is!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:32)
just type out the 'although we've come' bit and i'll be happy
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:40)
and then i will vote for you!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:23:17)
please?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:03)
hello? we need to hurry cos I'm going in a minute! sing my song and tell me how we make you win the bikini contest!
carapuchi says: (17:25:18)
Although we've come to the end of the road, still i cant let go. It's unnatural its unnatral you belong to me, i blong to you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:23)
wow, thank you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:27)
i bet it was beautiful
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:33)
i sang it at my mother's funeral
carapuchi says: (17:28:47)
so can i send the first pages to sign up
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:29:07)
oh please do baby, i am moist with anticipation of seeing you in your undercrackers
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:31:03)
sorry sugarplum, I have to run - but next time you see me online shout me and I promise I will vote for you, I ,may be online later! I love you!
Anyhow, when I was in my prime and replying to lots of emails, I also got a few mails of the 'add me to your msn and we can chat sometime' ilk. I duly did, but no-one ever popped up on my MSN - until today. A young lady (yeah right) by the name of Carapachi. It had been so long since I added him/her/it/them that I could not remember the scam, but it followed the usual rules, building up to me providing my credit card details...
I proceeded to chat with the usual angry man bullshit answers, fully expecting to be cut off after a matter of seconds. To my amazement, with the self awareness of an MPs expenses accountant, the dumb fuckers just kept on trucking. My personal highlight is the song recital - the extra typos suggest that they weren't even cutting and pasting, but actually typing it out. I like to imagine that they were singing along too, but they can't be that naive -can they??
Anyhow, full conversation below - not too clever with formatting so I am in bold and she isn't - hope that the conversation is easy enough for you all to follow but if not stick something in the comments and I'll have a play with it (I ain't no weblord). And if you like it, stick something in the fucking comments anyway, it's take take take with you bastards and I never get any positive feedback on these pages...
carapuchi says: (16:37:42)
hello how are you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:38:14)
fine thanks, you?
carapuchi says: (16:40:26)
im fine thx babe
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:40:42)
busy day?
carapuchi says: (16:41:55)
not soooo
carapuchi says: (16:41:57)
so where are you from and how old are you baby
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:43:24)
i am from england and i am 32 and a quarter. What about you?
carapuchi says: (16:44:31)
im from uk warwick and im 23 :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:44:51)
a whippersnapper, eh
carapuchi says: (16:45:59)
waht do u mean
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:46:25)
young, compared to an old fart like me
carapuchi says: (16:47:47)
no its ok baby no worries :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:48:01)
so what do you do for a living then?
carapuchi says: (16:49:02)
i am a bikini model
carapuchi says: (16:49:04)
how about you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:49:17)
me too! what are the odds!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:49:42)
i would imagine that is rather seasonal work - how do you make ends meet the rest of the year?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:49:47)
winter must be tough
carapuchi says: (16:50:38)
yeah
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:51:34)
Do you model for any famous companies then?
carapuchi says: (16:52:05)
not yet maybe soon .... when i got win the contest that i join :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:52:29)
which contest is that then?
carapuchi says: (16:53:07)
its a contest in new york bikini modeling
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:53:19)
how exciting.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:53:21)
when is it?
carapuchi says: (16:53:46)
this comming feb 14
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:57:26)
how romanti
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:57:30)
romantic, even
carapuchi says: (16:58:03)
sexy romantic :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:58:34)
i cant imagine a bikini contest would be very romantic - quite competitive.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:58:57)
My cousin was in one once, it was terrible - the stage was charged by a buffalo and one of the girls was trampled to death
carapuchi says: (16:59:25)
ohh thats sucks :(
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:01)
yes it was very traumatic. They had to club the buffalo to death using their shoes in the end.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:08)
poor thing.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:37)
I don't even know what a live buffalo was doing in the british museum, ridiculous
carapuchi says: (17:01:43)
yeah poor thing :(
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:46)
where is your bikini contest being held?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:33)
is it near any buffalos?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:36)
be careful baby
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:39)
they are big animals
carapuchi says: (17:03:40)
new york city
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:55)
yes you said - wondered what building it was in
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:04:00)
its not a zoo is it?
carapuchi says: (17:05:43)
no baby
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:05:54)
oh thank god.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:06:12)
i think the world has seen enough bikini contests disrupted by animal savagery
carapuchi says: (17:06:28)
baby by the way can i ask you some little favor if its ok to you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:06:35)
of course you can, sugar cheeks
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:07:13)
which part of warwick are you from, by the way? I am unfamiliar with the grammatical rules in that part of the world, they seem quite baffling at times!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:07:53)
if your favour is to see a picture of me naked, I am afraid I only have those pictures on my work computer
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:08:06)
but pretty much anything else I will do for you
carapuchi says: (17:09:00)
can you give me a a vote on my pages using my own card info so i can be the top model for the month of january
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:09:21)
isn't that cheating?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:09:37)
i mean, if i am voting for you because i know you and we are friends?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:10:24)
i dont mind though. I just believe that if we can't rely on the integrity of a bikini contest, then all that we know to be good and pure in the world may be under threat
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:10:28)
no matter.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:11:38)
what do you need me to do?
carapuchi says: (17:12:05)
no baby its not
carapuchi says: (17:12:09)
dont worry ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:12:17)
i'm not going to jail? you promise?
carapuchi says: (17:13:09)
yeah no worriess just lsiten to me and follow my guide ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:14:31)
hmm. okay. But do you cross your heart and hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye? (if you type yes then i will accept your answer on this and we can proceed)
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:15:01)
just type yes
carapuchi says: (17:15:14)
YEAH YES
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:15:17)
and then i need you to do one favour for me before we start!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:15:35)
will yousing a song for me
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:16:18)
please?
carapuchi says: (17:16:25)
wah do u mean sogn
carapuchi says: (17:16:27)
song
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:16:30)
i'll take your word that you are singing, you just have to sing the lines as i type them
carapuchi says: (17:17:06)
ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:08)
yes, a song!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:24)
ok, it will only be a few lines, but I will type them
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:28)
then you can type them as you sing them
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:40)
after the first verse and the chorus, i will do your bidding!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:41)
deal?
carapuchi says: (17:17:52)
ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:12)
It's 'end of the road' by Boyz To Men.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:15)
It means a lot to me.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:39)
Girl you know we belong together, I don't have time for you to be playing with my heart like this
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:52)
You'll be mine forever baby, you just wait
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:19:25)
We belong together and you know that I am right why do you play with my heart why do you play with my mind?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:19:47)
Daid we'd be forever said it'd never die, how could you love me and leave me and never say goodbye
carapuchi says: (17:19:57)
cool
Girl you now we beolng together, I don't have time for you to playiwith my heart like this oull be mine forever baby you just wait We belong together and you knwo that I am right why do you play with my hert why do you play with mymind?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:20:10)
When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight girl,. each time I just break down and cry
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:20:27)
Pain in my head oh i'd rather be dead, spinning around and around
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:20:43)
(here comes the choruse - are you singing?)
carapuchi says: (17:20:54)
yeah i am baby
When I can't sleep at nihgt without holding you tight girl,. each time I just break down and crypain in my head oh id rather be dead, spining around and aound
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:21:57)
Although we've come to the end of the road, still i can't let go. It's unnatural (its unnatural) you belong to me, i belong to you
carapuchi says: (17:22:13)
is that your fav. song?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:15)
(you type that bit out while I harmonise at this end, and we are done!)
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:20)
yes it is!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:32)
just type out the 'although we've come' bit and i'll be happy
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:40)
and then i will vote for you!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:23:17)
please?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:03)
hello? we need to hurry cos I'm going in a minute! sing my song and tell me how we make you win the bikini contest!
carapuchi says: (17:25:18)
Although we've come to the end of the road, still i cant let go. It's unnatural its unnatral you belong to me, i blong to you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:23)
wow, thank you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:27)
i bet it was beautiful
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:33)
i sang it at my mother's funeral
carapuchi says: (17:28:47)
so can i send the first pages to sign up
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:29:07)
oh please do baby, i am moist with anticipation of seeing you in your undercrackers
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:31:03)
sorry sugarplum, I have to run - but next time you see me online shout me and I promise I will vote for you, I ,may be online later! I love you!
Friday, 20 November 2009
Russian brides. It has been a while.
I've not pursued a Russian bride for a little while, but something about this lady's fringe spoke to me. Here is her first email to me, along with my reply below. I bet myself a mars bar that she doesn't respond to this one. It's a bit dark.
Hi stranger!
My name Kristina. If to be fair, I do not know what to write to you as I for the first time get acquainted on the Internet. But I nevertheless shall try to make it.
I never got acquainted the first with men, in fact men always begin acquaintance to women. I in general am very happy, that could write to you as I badly know a computer and for a long time could not be registered on a site. But with the divine help at me it has turned out. I was interested with your structure and I have dared to write to you. I with impatience shall wait from you the answer. Probably you my second half! I very strongly want to find to myself of the partner in life as to me 31 years, and at me are not present the family and children. In fact time leaves very quickly and we shall not notice, that the life has already has passed by, and we and have not understood for what lived. Forgive, I already probably have bothered you with the reasonings:).
I want to write to you a little about me:My growth of 5.7 foots, weight of 54 kgs. I have attractive appearance and a harmonous figure.I am very cheerful and joyful person with sense of humour. I like when concerning the man and the woman, the leader the man. You can be the leader in attitudes? I always listen to opinion of the man and I adhere to it. I the quiet woman also do not love quarrel. Well, on it I shall finish the letter. Tomorrow I shall come again into the Internet of cafe and I shall be very happy to see your letter. I shall give you my e-mail for fast communication as it is very difficult for me to write to you on a site and I do not know as you to send the photo. Through e-mail I can send you her without problems.
Please reply only to my personal e-mail: xxxxx@yahoo.com
I with the big hope wait from you the letter. Good-bye.
Kristina.
MY ANSWER
Good felching, Kristina!
I feel very lucky that you have contacted me, as I have not received many contacts through the fetish dating site. However, you are beautiful in many ways, firm of fringe and hooped of earring. You are of particular interest to me because you bear a striking resemblance to my ex wife, and I think that perhaps in time you can replace her. It would be most handy if you could.
See, the thing is, I like a bit of the rough stuff with women, if you catch my drift. Nothing too serious, just light whipping, bondage, domination, choking, anal rape, genital piercing, pissing, suffocation, that kind of thing. Now, with the missus, who looks a lot like you, things went a bit too far. With hindsight, the chainsaw was always going to be a dangerous addition to our torture dungeon, but what’s done is done and luckily the walls are thin so her death gurgle would not have been overheard.
It does, however, leave me with a little bit of an issue. I’ve told the neighbours that she has gone to stay with her mother for a couple of months, but at some point they are bond to start asking questions and I’m going to need a replacement who looks the same – at least from a distance. I was wondering, if we chat over email for a while and hit it off, how you would feel about coming over here and marrying me? You look close enough to the (now) ex, and I think we can get around some of the problems in public by getting you to wear a burka and pretend you have converted to Islam.
In return I will provide you with free lodgings, food and all the rest of it – you just need to be willing to adhere to the following routines that I enjoyed with the wife in order to avoid arousing suspicion, and then we could have a wonderful life together.
Monday: Monday is traditionally spitroast day in my house. I usually invite a few friends over – Adolf, Uncle Josef and Peter Sutcliffe – and we will enjoy a really good spitroast. You will be expected to provide us with that, and not to complain. You will also need to clean up afterwards, which can include the unsightly task of getting the lumps out of Adolf’s moustache.
Tuesday: you will be expected to deliver pharmaceutical packages to a number of locations across London. You will not open the packages, and you will not ask the names of those you will meet. You will be contacted by them via cell phone only, and if you are discovered, you are to tell no-one and insist the packages were for personal use only.
Wednesday: Free time.
Thursday: It is traditional on this day that my wife and I will visit our nearest nature reserve where I will bait, trap and kill a wild squirrel. You will then be expected to lick its nuts before we barbeque it and serve it with a nice Chablis.
Friday: Party night! I traditionally host a lavish ballroom affair, with wine on the tables, 50-60 guests, a live jazz band, great food fron internationally-recognised chefs and an after-dinner speaker. You will be expected to look after everyone’s coats.
Saturday: Some friends and I adopted a young girl a few years back, and we share responsibility for looking after her. She normally stays inside, but to keep her fit and healthy, it is inevitable that she will need to leave her quarters from time to time. You are to take her for a brisk walk, then return her to the dungeon. You will need to keep her on the lead at all times as she has a record of escape attempts.
Sunday: I am a church minister, so you will be expected to attend the morning service with me, then provide afternoon tea for other women of the parish, and occasionally attend church fetes and such like with me.
How does that sound to you? Please write back and let me know as soon as possible!
Much love,
Thursday, 16 April 2009
People in open plan offices who tell everyone everything that they are doing. As they do it.
You know the sort. Every office has at least one of these fuckers; they seem so bastard determined to justify their existence and look busy that you end up knowing every shitty detail about their meaningless, empty, piss-poor lives. They will have a phone conversation, then relay it back to you immediately afterwards. Even when you can hear it to start with.
'Hi is that Wilson's? Great, can I book 200 leaflets, A4, to be delivered by Tuesday? I can? Thanks, that's great'
*hangs up*
*sidles over on chair*
'I just phoned Wilson's. I've booked 200 leaflets, A4, to be delivered by Tuesday.'
Thanks. For. That.
I'm saving up for a shotgun. Not sure whether I will shoot them or me, but the pain will end either way.
'Hi is that Wilson's? Great, can I book 200 leaflets, A4, to be delivered by Tuesday? I can? Thanks, that's great'
*hangs up*
*sidles over on chair*
'I just phoned Wilson's. I've booked 200 leaflets, A4, to be delivered by Tuesday.'
Thanks. For. That.
I'm saving up for a shotgun. Not sure whether I will shoot them or me, but the pain will end either way.
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Redknapp. Literally. AGAIN
I will have to shoot him. apparently, tonight the ball "literally exploded off Ronaldo's boot."
Did it? DID IT? YOU STUPID FUCKING SHITE. His wittering, inane, badly-phrased bullshit continues to pollute our screens. you could see Souness tonight on Sky getting so pissed off with him interrupting that he stopped even trying to answer back, sank into his seat and counted to ten. He is so fucking dumb he even contributes himself. 'Ronaldo is different class, even though he has not had such a great season this year' at which point Ruud Gullit said 'It is crazy that people are saying it is a poor season, it is only because last season was so amazing for him. He is still top scorer in the Premier League and playing brilliantly, it is silly to say he is not having a good season'. To which Redknapp responded 'Yes, it's madness people saying he is not playing well when he has been fantastic this year, last season was amazing for him and he has been superb this year too' BUT IT WAS YOU THAT JUST SAID IT. JUST NOW I HEARD YOU, YOU FUCKING COCKMUNCHER. Just because he lacks the mental capacity to recall anythnig that happened more than 5 minutes ago, he assumes that the entire country is as thick as he is. I hope he gets AIDS and his face drops off. Live on television. And then it is eaten by a horse.
Did it? DID IT? YOU STUPID FUCKING SHITE. His wittering, inane, badly-phrased bullshit continues to pollute our screens. you could see Souness tonight on Sky getting so pissed off with him interrupting that he stopped even trying to answer back, sank into his seat and counted to ten. He is so fucking dumb he even contributes himself. 'Ronaldo is different class, even though he has not had such a great season this year' at which point Ruud Gullit said 'It is crazy that people are saying it is a poor season, it is only because last season was so amazing for him. He is still top scorer in the Premier League and playing brilliantly, it is silly to say he is not having a good season'. To which Redknapp responded 'Yes, it's madness people saying he is not playing well when he has been fantastic this year, last season was amazing for him and he has been superb this year too' BUT IT WAS YOU THAT JUST SAID IT. JUST NOW I HEARD YOU, YOU FUCKING COCKMUNCHER. Just because he lacks the mental capacity to recall anythnig that happened more than 5 minutes ago, he assumes that the entire country is as thick as he is. I hope he gets AIDS and his face drops off. Live on television. And then it is eaten by a horse.
People that 'chillax'
Because relaxing, or even the more modern variant of 'chilling out' (a hateful enough term in itself) isn't quite enough to demonstrate how achingly fucking cool you are, is it. You spiky haired, media-course-graduated, rose-drinking, Jamie Oliver-watching CUNTS. Updating your facebook status with 'chillaxing' is EVEN COOLER, because it makes it sound like you are probably listening to some really cool laid back band that the rest of us haven't discovered yet on your wireless iPod speakers (RRP: £300) while sipping wine on your fucking decking while looking out over your perfectly manicured lawn, probably waiting for some really cool mates to come round later and chillax with you while you eat houmous and pitta bread. When in actual fact you are probably laid on the sofa eating pizza and half-heartedly trying to knock one out over that Northern Irish bird off The One Show. It is a dismal attempt to hide the crushing dullness that is our spare time, and it can just fuck the fuck off. What did you do last night, Greg? Oh, just chillaxed at the pad with my missus. When in actual fact, you sat in the spare room playing Football Manager till 2 am while she read a book then went to bed.
At least I am honest about my downtime, and never pretend to chillax. I'm perfectly comfortable with admitting that I kill prostitutes in my spare time instead. Chillaxing CUNTS.
At least I am honest about my downtime, and never pretend to chillax. I'm perfectly comfortable with admitting that I kill prostitutes in my spare time instead. Chillaxing CUNTS.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
I got the job!
Can't wait to tell my boss to shove it!
Hello Dan,
We have received and reviewed your resume. Your qualification is acceptable for Company Representative.
Vacancy: Administrative Assistant.
As our administrative assistant you will be working the average of 5-8 hours per week while earning an average of £800-£1600 per month. DS Trading Company has been in business since 2001, with the head office located in New York, US, and branches in Eastern Europe. We offer a variety of services to our clients, including - reselling and selling, providing auction services, and uniting sellers with administrative assistants worldwide to contribute to the productivity of the sales force.
Here are the frequently asked questions that will help you to understand better how our company works and what is the role of the administrative assistants and their responsibilities.
Who are the sellers?
All sellers have at least two years of experience in selling through major auctions such as Ebay, Qxl, and Amazon. All sellers have at least 98% positive feedback score, with at least 30 feedbacks. The sellers can be located anywhere in the world Paris, New York, Moscow, Vena, Sydney, Delhi, or any other location.
Where are the items sold?
Items are sold through top online websites such as Ebay, Amazon Auctions, Big Deals, QXL, and more.
What are the items sold?
Main items sold are: consumer electronics, jewelry, and collectibles.
What is the administrative assistant's role?
Administrative assistant's role is to unite the seller and the buyer by location.
For example, the seller is located in Paris, and wants to sell the item through UK auction site to a buyer within UK;
we will enhance the shopper's experience and increase sales by having a representative within that region of sales.
Your duties will include:
Monitoring of sales data in your region of the United Kingdom.
Receiving the clients payings.
Sorting outgoing/ingoing correspondence on request.
Provide necessary information to all the offices and vendors involved.
Is this position connected with selling or payment processes?
How the purchases notifications are sent?
The position of administrative assistant includes payments collecting and correspondence maintaining. The administrative assistant is not required to be a sales person. The buyer and seller manage the situation if the exchange is required. You will be informed by e-mail as soon as a deal is agreed, purchasing happens. The information will include buyer, purchase and pricing details. You will be working from your home office around your schedule.
Offered benefits.
We guarantee two vacations twice a year, two weeks each. While you are on vacation the compensation will be £800. You have to work for the company at least 3 months to take your first vacation. Special discounts on our items are available for our workers. We pay your taxes. We will send you an invoice declaring your income, you state the taxes and we pay the amount.
Will I be required to make any investments in the project?
How the salary is paid out?
You will not have to invest. All the organization fees are paid by the company. The salary varies between £800 and £1600. 10% of every transfer received from a customer is yours. If your month income is below £800 the company pays out the difference to you, sending it as a check or wire transfer.
Will wait for your answer!
And here is my answer
Hey, sweet cheeks. Thanks for the job offer. I'm very grateful and would like to take you up on it. I do have a few questions about the company though. As you can probably tell, I am an ambitious man. I'm not casting aspersions here, but I think some people are suited to be the administrative assistants of the world. Captains of industry like you and I, babe, are probably destined for greater things. And the best thing is that this sounds like a piece of piss way to make money. So what are my career progression opportunities? I mean, in all seriousness, I don't want to be fucking around at the bottom of the food chain for too long. I'm looking for an agreed promotion within the first six months to managerial level, and ideally a seat on the board within a year. I have a few hundred thousand dollars in a bank account that I am seriously looking to invest in a legitimate company just so's to kill the heat on a bit if you get my drift, and I think it could be a very interesting arrangement if I were to become a major investor in your business, don't you?
Anyway, that's all for the future. For now, let's talk logistics. Do I get a company car and mobile? An iPhone would be best, so I can check those auctions on the move, while I'd love a Mondeo as a set of wheels. Something I can really pimp and attract some quality bitches with. Also, business cards. I like business cards. When will they turn up? do you have a company logo? If not, I can draw you one for no extra charge.
Do let me know, I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Peace out, mo fo.
Dan
Hello Dan,
We have received and reviewed your resume. Your qualification is acceptable for Company Representative.
Vacancy: Administrative Assistant.
As our administrative assistant you will be working the average of 5-8 hours per week while earning an average of £800-£1600 per month. DS Trading Company has been in business since 2001, with the head office located in New York, US, and branches in Eastern Europe. We offer a variety of services to our clients, including - reselling and selling, providing auction services, and uniting sellers with administrative assistants worldwide to contribute to the productivity of the sales force.
Here are the frequently asked questions that will help you to understand better how our company works and what is the role of the administrative assistants and their responsibilities.
Who are the sellers?
All sellers have at least two years of experience in selling through major auctions such as Ebay, Qxl, and Amazon. All sellers have at least 98% positive feedback score, with at least 30 feedbacks. The sellers can be located anywhere in the world Paris, New York, Moscow, Vena, Sydney, Delhi, or any other location.
Where are the items sold?
Items are sold through top online websites such as Ebay, Amazon Auctions, Big Deals, QXL, and more.
What are the items sold?
Main items sold are: consumer electronics, jewelry, and collectibles.
What is the administrative assistant's role?
Administrative assistant's role is to unite the seller and the buyer by location.
For example, the seller is located in Paris, and wants to sell the item through UK auction site to a buyer within UK;
we will enhance the shopper's experience and increase sales by having a representative within that region of sales.
Your duties will include:
Monitoring of sales data in your region of the United Kingdom.
Receiving the clients payings.
Sorting outgoing/ingoing correspondence on request.
Provide necessary information to all the offices and vendors involved.
Is this position connected with selling or payment processes?
How the purchases notifications are sent?
The position of administrative assistant includes payments collecting and correspondence maintaining. The administrative assistant is not required to be a sales person. The buyer and seller manage the situation if the exchange is required. You will be informed by e-mail as soon as a deal is agreed, purchasing happens. The information will include buyer, purchase and pricing details. You will be working from your home office around your schedule.
Offered benefits.
We guarantee two vacations twice a year, two weeks each. While you are on vacation the compensation will be £800. You have to work for the company at least 3 months to take your first vacation. Special discounts on our items are available for our workers. We pay your taxes. We will send you an invoice declaring your income, you state the taxes and we pay the amount.
Will I be required to make any investments in the project?
How the salary is paid out?
You will not have to invest. All the organization fees are paid by the company. The salary varies between £800 and £1600. 10% of every transfer received from a customer is yours. If your month income is below £800 the company pays out the difference to you, sending it as a check or wire transfer.
Will wait for your answer!
And here is my answer
Hey, sweet cheeks. Thanks for the job offer. I'm very grateful and would like to take you up on it. I do have a few questions about the company though. As you can probably tell, I am an ambitious man. I'm not casting aspersions here, but I think some people are suited to be the administrative assistants of the world. Captains of industry like you and I, babe, are probably destined for greater things. And the best thing is that this sounds like a piece of piss way to make money. So what are my career progression opportunities? I mean, in all seriousness, I don't want to be fucking around at the bottom of the food chain for too long. I'm looking for an agreed promotion within the first six months to managerial level, and ideally a seat on the board within a year. I have a few hundred thousand dollars in a bank account that I am seriously looking to invest in a legitimate company just so's to kill the heat on a bit if you get my drift, and I think it could be a very interesting arrangement if I were to become a major investor in your business, don't you?
Anyway, that's all for the future. For now, let's talk logistics. Do I get a company car and mobile? An iPhone would be best, so I can check those auctions on the move, while I'd love a Mondeo as a set of wheels. Something I can really pimp and attract some quality bitches with. Also, business cards. I like business cards. When will they turn up? do you have a company logo? If not, I can draw you one for no extra charge.
Do let me know, I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Peace out, mo fo.
Dan
Monday, 22 December 2008
New year - new job?
Got an email offering me the chance to earn big bucks doing fuck all. Guess they'll only need my bank details so they can start to pay me, huh? But I wonder just how competitive the selection process for this dream job is? See their email to me, and my response - complete with CV.
Hello,
International company is hiring! We are looking for for employees within the whole territory of the United Kingdom. We hire personnel at the age of 21 to 70 for rather easy work on processing of the incoming orders and performancing of simple management duties.
You don't have to be a professional or to have special training. We also don't require working experience in any field; all you need for this job are:
- Good communication skills.
- Ability to accurately follow the instructions on the solving the required tasks.
- Ready to work 5-8 hours per week.
- Ability to work with Word and Excel.
- E-mail and internet experience (minimal).
This job is ideal students, mothers, pensioners and people who are looking for the part-time job perfectly well.
All the candidates will be selected and checked on the competitive basis. To submit your application, please, send us your CV or profile to the following address:
e-mail: XXXXX
After resume approbation you'll receive detailed job information.
My answer (from my new alter-ego, Dan Humpage)
Dear Lisa,
Many thanks for your recent email regarding part-time work opportunities. Please find my CV attached. When can I start?
Warm regards,
Dan Humpage
Curriccullum Vetae – Dan Humpage
Personal statement
I am a highly motivated individual and recovering drug addict who is looking to rebuild his life following a very difficult period. My manic depression and tourrette’s syndrome mean that I am not well suited to working with other people or in a public facing role, as my mild psychosis has on occasion pushed me into regrettable physical conflict. However, I am ideally suited to working from home as it means I can mould my working hours around my propensity for self harm.
Education
The School of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies
1990-1997
GCSEs English Literature (E)
English Language (E)
Maths (E)
All other subjects (F)
Employment History
Chief Librarian, HMP Dorchester
This was a position I undertook during my most recent stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. My chief duties included putting books on the shelves, keeping a track of loans, and administering beatings for books returned overdue. I was asked to leave the post a month early due to a combination of my tourrette’s syndrome distracting library users, and a refusal to loan out a book about suicide because I didn’t think the bloke would bring it back.
Reason for leaving: Fired. Then released.
Receptionist, GP surgery
This public facing role saw me welcoming visitors to a GP surgery, booking appointments and keeping a track of their medical records. I really enjoyed this role, but my troubles with drugs meant that I found it a little too easy to help myself to the contents of the medical cupboard and my manic depression meant that I inadvertently talked two patients into suicide attempts. One of them had only come in with an ingrowing toenail. I was removed from the position against my will, and still harbour a grudge against the do-gooder that dobbed me in.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment
Head chef, HMP Dartmoor
Another position I worked hard to get. I secured this position via interview, being selected ahead of a number of other candidates including ‘Slasher’ McGraw and ‘Arsenic’ Andrews (though to be fair, he was in for poisoning so you’d not really trust him in the kitchen, would you?). My job included the preparation of fresh meals for other guests.
Reason for leaving: Early parole
Teaching Assistant
Another role I really loved. I love children. REALLY love children. Turned out that was the problem. I was involved in all aspects of helping the teacher look after the class, who were aged 10-12. The class, not the teachers. Unfortunately, due to a lack of resources and insufficient training, I was frequently left to rely on my instinct and making the best of a bad situation. Matters came to a head when I was left in charge of a sex ed class and thought the kids may be interested in watching Transexual Horse Lover 3 together. I still have some of the letters written in by the parents. Shocking language, no wonder their children were so very, very naughty in bed.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment
Gardener, HMP Parkhurst
This role required that I tend and maintain the gardens in and around an area of outstanding natural beauty. This was made more difficult as I was not permitted access to sharp instruments like shears due to the terms and conditions of some legal mumbo-jumbo.
Reason for leaving: Released
Entrepreneur, self-employed
Working for myself, this role required a great deal of self-motivation and organisation. I would import goods from Amsterdam, Colombia and Africa, then organise distribution through a network of similar, independent traders. I was also responsible for overseeing the accounting of the operation, managing a team of debt collectors and delivery boys.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment
References are available on request.
Hello,
International company is hiring! We are looking for for employees within the whole territory of the United Kingdom. We hire personnel at the age of 21 to 70 for rather easy work on processing of the incoming orders and performancing of simple management duties.
You don't have to be a professional or to have special training. We also don't require working experience in any field; all you need for this job are:
- Good communication skills.
- Ability to accurately follow the instructions on the solving the required tasks.
- Ready to work 5-8 hours per week.
- Ability to work with Word and Excel.
- E-mail and internet experience (minimal).
This job is ideal students, mothers, pensioners and people who are looking for the part-time job perfectly well.
All the candidates will be selected and checked on the competitive basis. To submit your application, please, send us your CV or profile to the following address:
e-mail: XXXXX
After resume approbation you'll receive detailed job information.
My answer (from my new alter-ego, Dan Humpage)
Dear Lisa,
Many thanks for your recent email regarding part-time work opportunities. Please find my CV attached. When can I start?
Warm regards,
Dan Humpage
Curriccullum Vetae – Dan Humpage
Personal statement
I am a highly motivated individual and recovering drug addict who is looking to rebuild his life following a very difficult period. My manic depression and tourrette’s syndrome mean that I am not well suited to working with other people or in a public facing role, as my mild psychosis has on occasion pushed me into regrettable physical conflict. However, I am ideally suited to working from home as it means I can mould my working hours around my propensity for self harm.
Education
The School of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies
1990-1997
GCSEs English Literature (E)
English Language (E)
Maths (E)
All other subjects (F)
Employment History
Chief Librarian, HMP Dorchester
This was a position I undertook during my most recent stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. My chief duties included putting books on the shelves, keeping a track of loans, and administering beatings for books returned overdue. I was asked to leave the post a month early due to a combination of my tourrette’s syndrome distracting library users, and a refusal to loan out a book about suicide because I didn’t think the bloke would bring it back.
Reason for leaving: Fired. Then released.
Receptionist, GP surgery
This public facing role saw me welcoming visitors to a GP surgery, booking appointments and keeping a track of their medical records. I really enjoyed this role, but my troubles with drugs meant that I found it a little too easy to help myself to the contents of the medical cupboard and my manic depression meant that I inadvertently talked two patients into suicide attempts. One of them had only come in with an ingrowing toenail. I was removed from the position against my will, and still harbour a grudge against the do-gooder that dobbed me in.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment
Head chef, HMP Dartmoor
Another position I worked hard to get. I secured this position via interview, being selected ahead of a number of other candidates including ‘Slasher’ McGraw and ‘Arsenic’ Andrews (though to be fair, he was in for poisoning so you’d not really trust him in the kitchen, would you?). My job included the preparation of fresh meals for other guests.
Reason for leaving: Early parole
Teaching Assistant
Another role I really loved. I love children. REALLY love children. Turned out that was the problem. I was involved in all aspects of helping the teacher look after the class, who were aged 10-12. The class, not the teachers. Unfortunately, due to a lack of resources and insufficient training, I was frequently left to rely on my instinct and making the best of a bad situation. Matters came to a head when I was left in charge of a sex ed class and thought the kids may be interested in watching Transexual Horse Lover 3 together. I still have some of the letters written in by the parents. Shocking language, no wonder their children were so very, very naughty in bed.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment
Gardener, HMP Parkhurst
This role required that I tend and maintain the gardens in and around an area of outstanding natural beauty. This was made more difficult as I was not permitted access to sharp instruments like shears due to the terms and conditions of some legal mumbo-jumbo.
Reason for leaving: Released
Entrepreneur, self-employed
Working for myself, this role required a great deal of self-motivation and organisation. I would import goods from Amsterdam, Colombia and Africa, then organise distribution through a network of similar, independent traders. I was also responsible for overseeing the accounting of the operation, managing a team of debt collectors and delivery boys.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment
References are available on request.
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
Margarita - the woman of my dreams
I'm lonely and still looking for that wife, now it would appear that my contract killer is bored of me. Maybe Margarita is that special someone?
Hello!
My name is Margarita! I am 29 years old.
I addressed in agency acquaintances. When I have specified, how I search for type of the man. Me have told to approach in 1 week. When I have again come to agency of acquaintances, to me have told yours email adress. I am a teacher and i like my work very much. I work with children and Now I have an opportunity to write to you I am an interesting, beautiful, kind and single young lady. I want to find my love, my half and want to marry him. I am looking for a man who will fall in love with me and I will fall in love with him. I have never been married but I dream about it. I am fond of children and I dream about a happy family with the beloved man. I am interested in music, cooking, reading, traveling and others. I know English very good and can easily speak!!
If you are interested in me please write me on my e-mail: vkusnyashka99@gmail.com
Please write me and I will send you my photos.
I wait for your letter very much.
Margarita.
My reply
Warmy runny greetings with a coating of phlegm, Margarita!
Me amazed to get email you from. Beautiful you are, such eyes! And two of them.
I am covered in my own happy juices that you have emailed me. It is not a surprise that you found me through an agency; I have been using agency girls for some time. Very discreet and always they will respond to suggestion. Like bringing coke. Or a street urchin that will not be missed.
You have such inner beauty that it makes my pancreas inflate with vigour. I long to hold you in my arms, so tight that there is no more breath in you. Like tiny sparrow until the wings stop beating then will be all mine in my pocket and no-one can take away not even carer.
I can see you know English good and speak easily. Me too, though I have a slight lisp and sometimes get my rs wrong. Also is good you like children. I love children too, I spend much time in children. It our secret.
I see you seek a man for marriage - what do you think is most important in husband? I seek many things in woman - must be kind of heart, noble of mind, quick of wit and fleet of foot. A lover, a friend, a mother, a companion. Also double jointed and blessed in the nork department. False teeth preferred.
I would be lovings to hear back from you, to see if we can meet and be as one some day as I am interested in a bride, and failing that a shufty at some more pics of you would not be a bad thing.
Love you in the face,
Mike
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Simon Platt
Right, I had another 'hurry up and pay me' email, which I responded to with the following - but then I took things in a much more entertaining direction...
My latest email - which features the same blurred scan of the western union form
Sorry man, been on holiday for a few days, which is why you didn't hear back from me. Though of course you probably know that, what with the 24 hour observation and all that.
Look, I don;t know what else I can do. The money is with Western Union - i have attached a scan of it AGAIN. If you can;t view it properly, let me know what the technical specifications of the machine you are using are - and try looking at it on more than one computer. The information is all there for you in black and white - it is not my fault that the equipment you are using is not good enough to view it.
I cannot raise any further funds at present, because I have none - and you should know all about that, seeing as you took the money from outside my house the other week - if you don;t have it, one of your mens is laughing at you and ripping you off.
PLEASE email me back and let me know that the western union scan has worked.
Mike
However, he's not playing with me enough. So I've introduced a new character to the game. Meet Simon Platt, who has just emailed our chump with the following introduction. I do hope they hit it off, I have grand plans for Simon.
You do not know me, my friend, but I know you. Or a little of you, at least. My name is Simon Platt (not my real name, but that is all you need to know right now).
Two weeks ago, I picked up a bag from outside a house in Southampton. Inside was £2,000 in cash and printouts of a series of emails between you and a Mike O'Sullivan. I am now in possession of this money, and have been watching O'Sullivan for some time to see if I can get more money out of him. However, it is clear from the emails that you have sent him and his responses that he is scared of you, and I believe that if we work together, he can make us both very rich. I know your scam, my friend - you have no mens here, you are trying to extort money from him over the internet. However, he is too stupid to figure this out. However, I can help you, seeing as you already hold a strong fear over him. I can be your mens here. I can pass on specific information about him - where he goes, what car he drives, I know where he went on holiday last week with his family, for example. By giving you real facts about the man, I think we can scare him into some more money. The £2,000 I have here is mine, I think. But any more money we can get from the man, I propose we split. I can either collect it for you, or he can transfer to you.
We can work this scam on others in the UK - it suits my needs for now, but in return for helping make you a rich man, I may need somewhere to stay when I leave the country, if things get too hot - someone in Africa with contacts to set me up out there if I need to leave town. What do you think? Does my business proposition interest you?
I hope it does, and as a gesture of goodwill, I will give you a little bit of information up front. He went to Portugal on holiday with his family - and his suitcases are a matching set, all red. Tell him you know this and it is guaranteed to scare him even further. Try it and let me know how you get on.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
My latest email - which features the same blurred scan of the western union form
Sorry man, been on holiday for a few days, which is why you didn't hear back from me. Though of course you probably know that, what with the 24 hour observation and all that.
Look, I don;t know what else I can do. The money is with Western Union - i have attached a scan of it AGAIN. If you can;t view it properly, let me know what the technical specifications of the machine you are using are - and try looking at it on more than one computer. The information is all there for you in black and white - it is not my fault that the equipment you are using is not good enough to view it.
I cannot raise any further funds at present, because I have none - and you should know all about that, seeing as you took the money from outside my house the other week - if you don;t have it, one of your mens is laughing at you and ripping you off.
PLEASE email me back and let me know that the western union scan has worked.
Mike
However, he's not playing with me enough. So I've introduced a new character to the game. Meet Simon Platt, who has just emailed our chump with the following introduction. I do hope they hit it off, I have grand plans for Simon.
You do not know me, my friend, but I know you. Or a little of you, at least. My name is Simon Platt (not my real name, but that is all you need to know right now).
Two weeks ago, I picked up a bag from outside a house in Southampton. Inside was £2,000 in cash and printouts of a series of emails between you and a Mike O'Sullivan. I am now in possession of this money, and have been watching O'Sullivan for some time to see if I can get more money out of him. However, it is clear from the emails that you have sent him and his responses that he is scared of you, and I believe that if we work together, he can make us both very rich. I know your scam, my friend - you have no mens here, you are trying to extort money from him over the internet. However, he is too stupid to figure this out. However, I can help you, seeing as you already hold a strong fear over him. I can be your mens here. I can pass on specific information about him - where he goes, what car he drives, I know where he went on holiday last week with his family, for example. By giving you real facts about the man, I think we can scare him into some more money. The £2,000 I have here is mine, I think. But any more money we can get from the man, I propose we split. I can either collect it for you, or he can transfer to you.
We can work this scam on others in the UK - it suits my needs for now, but in return for helping make you a rich man, I may need somewhere to stay when I leave the country, if things get too hot - someone in Africa with contacts to set me up out there if I need to leave town. What do you think? Does my business proposition interest you?
I hope it does, and as a gesture of goodwill, I will give you a little bit of information up front. He went to Portugal on holiday with his family - and his suitcases are a matching set, all red. Tell him you know this and it is guaranteed to scare him even further. Try it and let me know how you get on.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Image still won't download
Poor lad.
His latest mail
All that iam demanding from you now is the payment information you use in sending the money with the MTCN because the payment slip you send to me was not be able to download in computer and be very fast about it because there is know more time to delay
His latest mail
All that iam demanding from you now is the payment information you use in sending the money with the MTCN because the payment slip you send to me was not be able to download in computer and be very fast about it because there is know more time to delay
Oddly, the image 'won't download'
I love the fact that he is now charging me £1,997 by the way - the amount I calculated $4,000 as being in sterling, Anyway, he got back in touch:
His email
Iam waiting to receive the payment information again because the payment slip you send to me was not be able to download so all i want you to do now is to send me the information you use in sending the money with the MTCN and be very fast about it because there is know more time to delay any more you know that the time that was giving to you ended yesterday so what ever that your are doing about this issus you have to be very fast
waiting to receive the payment information you use in sending the money
Name:CHIDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:£1,997
SendersName................
MTCN Refrence Number...........
paid through money gram or western union
Mr Nnaeke Olando
My response - with the same scan attached (scroll down to see it in the previous post if you've not seen it yet)
sorry, I have not been able to access my emails of late. Here is the scan again, from Western Union. I have rescanned it, and it works fine on my computer. If you are having problems downloading it, it must be something to do with your computer - are you using an internet cafe? If so, perhaps try going to a different cafe?
Mike
His email
Iam waiting to receive the payment information again because the payment slip you send to me was not be able to download so all i want you to do now is to send me the information you use in sending the money with the MTCN and be very fast about it because there is know more time to delay any more you know that the time that was giving to you ended yesterday so what ever that your are doing about this issus you have to be very fast
waiting to receive the payment information you use in sending the money
Name:CHIDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:£1,997
SendersName................
MTCN Refrence Number...........
paid through money gram or western union
Mr Nnaeke Olando
My response - with the same scan attached (scroll down to see it in the previous post if you've not seen it yet)
sorry, I have not been able to access my emails of late. Here is the scan again, from Western Union. I have rescanned it, and it works fine on my computer. If you are having problems downloading it, it must be something to do with your computer - are you using an internet cafe? If so, perhaps try going to a different cafe?
Mike
The money has been transferred to my killer
Sorry for the delay in updates here, been busy - but will post a few things today to fill you all in. After telling him that his 'mens' had stolen all my money, we have enjoyed the following exchange which has ended up with me sending him a blurred copy of a money transfer form I found on the net.
his email
I just want you to understand that my mens are my mens and know one has the rigth to do something on his own accept i told him to do and remember that your time is comeing to an end if you did,not wants to comply with me know that all the necessary arrangement for the dead assignment has be made remember that i was sign to eliminate you within 10days along with your farmily without contacting you that someone you call your friend wants you dead and he provided all necessary information deeded about you to me and my
mens and because for you unability to understand i have know option now than to carry out the eliminate assignment i was sign to eliminate within 10days,for your own good i will advise you to my last warning to you to send the money without any founder delaying
waiting to receive the payment slip
the information you will use to send the money giving to you again
Name:CHIDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:£1,997
SendersName................
MTCN Refrence Number...........
pay through money gram now or western union
Mr Nnaeke Olando
my response
okay, I'm working on it - I have spoken to my parents and they are transferring some money to me now, I should be able to organise this tonight - I will email you with further details shortly. I do feel that your mens have already taken some money from you - be careful that they are not scamming you and playing you for a fool.
Mike
And then I followed it up with this
Here is a scan of the Western Union transfer - it should contain all the information you need to get the money.
Will you now please leave me alone?
his email
I just want you to understand that my mens are my mens and know one has the rigth to do something on his own accept i told him to do and remember that your time is comeing to an end if you did,not wants to comply with me know that all the necessary arrangement for the dead assignment has be made remember that i was sign to eliminate you within 10days along with your farmily without contacting you that someone you call your friend wants you dead and he provided all necessary information deeded about you to me and my
mens and because for you unability to understand i have know option now than to carry out the eliminate assignment i was sign to eliminate within 10days,for your own good i will advise you to my last warning to you to send the money without any founder delaying
waiting to receive the payment slip
the information you will use to send the money giving to you again
Name:CHIDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:£1,997
SendersName................
MTCN Refrence Number...........
pay through money gram now or western union
Mr Nnaeke Olando
my response
okay, I'm working on it - I have spoken to my parents and they are transferring some money to me now, I should be able to organise this tonight - I will email you with further details shortly. I do feel that your mens have already taken some money from you - be careful that they are not scamming you and playing you for a fool.
Mike
And then I followed it up with this
Here is a scan of the Western Union transfer - it should contain all the information you need to get the money.
Will you now please leave me alone?
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
My death moves nearer
apparently he's been watching my wife and children. which came as a shock to me, as I am single and have no children. (eligible females excited by this revelation can contact me via the comments section...) I'm especially impressed that for the first time he appears to be listening to what I am saying, and is letting me choose between dollars and pounds for my payment. Anyway, his latest missive and my reply below it:
for you own good and your family iam giveing you from now till friday to make the payment of $4,000 usd or pounds and if by the friday that i did,not recieve the money i have know option then to eliminate your children and after i might have eliminate your children then i will eliminate your wife and you come last remember that i was sign to eliminate you within10 days and I have to do it since you did,not wants to comply with me , last warning my mens are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.
For your own good I will advise you not to go out once it is 7pm until you pay the money to my boys and as soon as he confirms the payment i will do the needful.forward the payment slip to me after sending the money $4,000 US dollars or pounds
the information you will use to send the money
Name:CHDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:$4000dollars or pounds
Senders Name...................................
MTCN Refrence Number............................................
pay through money gram now and be fast about it
Mr Nnaeke Olando
My reply:
Okay, okay, I have the money - thanks for letting me choose which currency to pay in though! You might have to do some work in the future on your negotiating - 4,000 dollars or pounds is a bit of a no-brainer for me if I'm honest with you, as $4,000 equates to £1,997 while £4,000 equates to £4,000 almost exactly.
So I'll be going for the former, and no I don't want to gamble and go for the caravan.
Now, to the practicalities. As you know, I cannot use Money Gram, but your mens know where I live. I will leave the money outside my house tonight, in a black puma rucksack. On the outside of the bag is a detailed and labelled diagram of a woman's labia, to help you identify that you have the right bag quickly. If possible, can you leave the rucksack behind as I use it for my football kit; it has decent sized pockets that are ideal for getting shinpads into and I can;t seem to find another one like it. I also use it on my visits to Southbourne's world famous squirrel range as it is ideal for keeping hats, pens, twix bars, small Greek men and vibrators in - the squirrels love that kind of thing! I'll put it to the left (well, right as you look at it) by the bins.The money will be inside in non-sequential, non-denominational, English pound notes bearing the face of the Dalai Llama, which makes them harder to trace.
There is another, minor issue. you mention that your men have been watching me and are threatening my wife - if you've only been watching me a few days then you should probably know that the woman you have seen me with isn;t actually my wife. She is away at her mothers after we had a minor disagreement about her discovering my collection of art pamphlets and films - I've got some classic stuff dating back years and she doesn't appreciate them really.
Anyway, the woman you would have seen entering and leaving my flat is, how shall I put this, a 'friend'. I'm sure you are a man of the world and don't need me to explain much more than that, but the sensitive issue is that she is married to my best mate and it really would be best for all concerned if we kept her out of this, as I'm sure you'd agree. Though if you were watching us the other night through the lounge window, I'm sure you would agree that killing someone with tits like that would be a truly tragic loss of life.
Getting the rest of the money is going to be a tricky one, but I'm working on that one. I might be able to organise something via Western Union if that would be amenable to your good self?
Anyway, the money will be in the hold-all outside the house tonight. I hope that this signal of my grandest intentions will be enough for you to call off the hit.
Warmest regards,
your imminent target,
Mike
for you own good and your family iam giveing you from now till friday to make the payment of $4,000 usd or pounds and if by the friday that i did,not recieve the money i have know option then to eliminate your children and after i might have eliminate your children then i will eliminate your wife and you come last remember that i was sign to eliminate you within10 days and I have to do it since you did,not wants to comply with me , last warning my mens are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.
For your own good I will advise you not to go out once it is 7pm until you pay the money to my boys and as soon as he confirms the payment i will do the needful.forward the payment slip to me after sending the money $4,000 US dollars or pounds
the information you will use to send the money
Name:CHDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:$4000dollars or pounds
Senders Name...................................
MTCN Refrence Number............................................
pay through money gram now and be fast about it
Mr Nnaeke Olando
My reply:
Okay, okay, I have the money - thanks for letting me choose which currency to pay in though! You might have to do some work in the future on your negotiating - 4,000 dollars or pounds is a bit of a no-brainer for me if I'm honest with you, as $4,000 equates to £1,997 while £4,000 equates to £4,000 almost exactly.
So I'll be going for the former, and no I don't want to gamble and go for the caravan.
Now, to the practicalities. As you know, I cannot use Money Gram, but your mens know where I live. I will leave the money outside my house tonight, in a black puma rucksack. On the outside of the bag is a detailed and labelled diagram of a woman's labia, to help you identify that you have the right bag quickly. If possible, can you leave the rucksack behind as I use it for my football kit; it has decent sized pockets that are ideal for getting shinpads into and I can;t seem to find another one like it. I also use it on my visits to Southbourne's world famous squirrel range as it is ideal for keeping hats, pens, twix bars, small Greek men and vibrators in - the squirrels love that kind of thing! I'll put it to the left (well, right as you look at it) by the bins.The money will be inside in non-sequential, non-denominational, English pound notes bearing the face of the Dalai Llama, which makes them harder to trace.
There is another, minor issue. you mention that your men have been watching me and are threatening my wife - if you've only been watching me a few days then you should probably know that the woman you have seen me with isn;t actually my wife. She is away at her mothers after we had a minor disagreement about her discovering my collection of art pamphlets and films - I've got some classic stuff dating back years and she doesn't appreciate them really.
Anyway, the woman you would have seen entering and leaving my flat is, how shall I put this, a 'friend'. I'm sure you are a man of the world and don't need me to explain much more than that, but the sensitive issue is that she is married to my best mate and it really would be best for all concerned if we kept her out of this, as I'm sure you'd agree. Though if you were watching us the other night through the lounge window, I'm sure you would agree that killing someone with tits like that would be a truly tragic loss of life.
Getting the rest of the money is going to be a tricky one, but I'm working on that one. I might be able to organise something via Western Union if that would be amenable to your good self?
Anyway, the money will be in the hold-all outside the house tonight. I hope that this signal of my grandest intentions will be enough for you to call off the hit.
Warmest regards,
your imminent target,
Mike
Monday, 14 July 2008
A cold-blooded killer writes...
Jesus man, enough with the caps lock. Here's his latest replay:
WARNING AS IT MAY BE RIGHT NOW I AM IN TOWN WITH MY MENS FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT AS I TOLD YOU THAT SOMEONE YOU CALL YOU FRIEND PAID ME TO ELIMINATE YOU AND I HAVE TO DO THAT WITHIN 10DAYS AND AS IT IS RIGHT NOW I HAVE PROVIDED ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION NEEDED ABOUT YOU TO MY MENS FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT , FOR YOUR OWN GOOD I WILL ADVISE YOU TO COMPLY WITH ME IF YOU WANTS TO LIVE OR DIE AND FOR YOU INFORMATION IAM NOT ASKING YOU TO PAID THE MONEY AT ONES YOUR WILL FRIST PAID $4,000 THEN I WILL SEND THE TAPE OF THE PERSON THAT WANT YOU DEAD AND WHEN THE TAPE GETS TO YOU,YOU WILL PAY THE REMAINING $8,000. GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY YOUR RECIEVE THIS MAIL THERE IS KNOW TIME TO DELAY
And my reply to him:
Hi, thanks for your mail. Can I please ask a favour - stop using capital letters? I am a dyslexic, you see, and using capitals makes it rather inaccessible to me, it can take a while for me to decipher what it is you are saying.
Got a couple of problems at this end with your demands, but want to reassure you that I am very sincere in coming up with the money so please don't do anything rash - that would be great shame for all concerned I'm sure you'd agree.
Problem one, like I told you, is that I won;t be able to get the $4,000 to you too quickly as these things take some time. Also, I meant to ask this earlier - why do you want paying in dollars when I am in the UK? Will pounds be okay? And do you mean US dollars, or Ugandan dollars? I do have some vouchers that I could include in the deal if that will help us to reach the magic $4,000 mark. A friend of mine collects them - buy one get one free at loads of restaurants, tourist attractions and so on - you could take your entire hit squad to Thorpe Park for under a tenner, for example.
Problem two is that I am a born-again Rastafarian. This means I do not have a bank account. Or, indeed, ting. This would make transferring the money to you very difficult indeed - however, I would be happy to leave the money outside my house in a hold-all (you know where that is, of course) on a date convenient to you.
And one last thing I really need reassuring from you on. I can sense in your heart you are a good man - some hitmen are just misunderstood, I believe. So I beg of you, please don't hurt my children. They mean the world to me, and I've seen how these things work in the movies. If you think I'm not moving quick enough, you grab one of the kids and use them as leverage - so please, can we have a gentleman's agreement to keep the kids out of this? They are innocent of any crimes against Blockbuster Video, so they needn't suffer.
That said, I'm a realist, so if you're left with no alternative, I'd appreciate it if you could take the girl first. She's left-handed too, so if you have to send any fingers through the mail, use the right hand as it shouldn't affect her handwriting too badly.
Okay, that's it from me.
Best wishes,
Mike
WARNING AS IT MAY BE RIGHT NOW I AM IN TOWN WITH MY MENS FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT AS I TOLD YOU THAT SOMEONE YOU CALL YOU FRIEND PAID ME TO ELIMINATE YOU AND I HAVE TO DO THAT WITHIN 10DAYS AND AS IT IS RIGHT NOW I HAVE PROVIDED ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION NEEDED ABOUT YOU TO MY MENS FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT , FOR YOUR OWN GOOD I WILL ADVISE YOU TO COMPLY WITH ME IF YOU WANTS TO LIVE OR DIE AND FOR YOU INFORMATION IAM NOT ASKING YOU TO PAID THE MONEY AT ONES YOUR WILL FRIST PAID $4,000 THEN I WILL SEND THE TAPE OF THE PERSON THAT WANT YOU DEAD AND WHEN THE TAPE GETS TO YOU,YOU WILL PAY THE REMAINING $8,000. GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY YOUR RECIEVE THIS MAIL THERE IS KNOW TIME TO DELAY
And my reply to him:
Hi, thanks for your mail. Can I please ask a favour - stop using capital letters? I am a dyslexic, you see, and using capitals makes it rather inaccessible to me, it can take a while for me to decipher what it is you are saying.
Got a couple of problems at this end with your demands, but want to reassure you that I am very sincere in coming up with the money so please don't do anything rash - that would be great shame for all concerned I'm sure you'd agree.
Problem one, like I told you, is that I won;t be able to get the $4,000 to you too quickly as these things take some time. Also, I meant to ask this earlier - why do you want paying in dollars when I am in the UK? Will pounds be okay? And do you mean US dollars, or Ugandan dollars? I do have some vouchers that I could include in the deal if that will help us to reach the magic $4,000 mark. A friend of mine collects them - buy one get one free at loads of restaurants, tourist attractions and so on - you could take your entire hit squad to Thorpe Park for under a tenner, for example.
Problem two is that I am a born-again Rastafarian. This means I do not have a bank account. Or, indeed, ting. This would make transferring the money to you very difficult indeed - however, I would be happy to leave the money outside my house in a hold-all (you know where that is, of course) on a date convenient to you.
And one last thing I really need reassuring from you on. I can sense in your heart you are a good man - some hitmen are just misunderstood, I believe. So I beg of you, please don't hurt my children. They mean the world to me, and I've seen how these things work in the movies. If you think I'm not moving quick enough, you grab one of the kids and use them as leverage - so please, can we have a gentleman's agreement to keep the kids out of this? They are innocent of any crimes against Blockbuster Video, so they needn't suffer.
That said, I'm a realist, so if you're left with no alternative, I'd appreciate it if you could take the girl first. She's left-handed too, so if you have to send any fingers through the mail, use the right hand as it shouldn't affect her handwriting too badly.
Okay, that's it from me.
Best wishes,
Mike
Saturday, 12 July 2008
The hitman replies. Twice.
Oops, this scam relies on me appearing scared, so I mustn't forget to check my mails again. He's actually mailed me twice, and my reply to his second email is at the bottom. Needless to say, I've hardly slept over the past 48 hours from the sheer terror of it all. Apologies for the capitals, but I can't be arsed to retype it all and besides, I think only LOTS of capital letters can convey the gravity of the situation.
YOU WELL COME
AS IT MAY BE RIGHT NOW I AM IN TOWN WITH MY MEN FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT AS
PLAND SO ALL THAT IM DEMANDING FROM YOU AS I HAVE OPENED UP TO YOU IS JUST
$12000 DOLLARS AND YOU WILL BE FREE FROM THIS MESS BECAUSE I AM HERE TO
ELIMINATE YOU ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY.LISTEN AND LISTEN CAREFULLY,YOU WILL
FIRST OF ALL PAY $4000 DOLLARS TO THE NAME BELOW .TO AVOID ANY REGRETS JUST
ACT AS DIRECTED .....THEN PAY THE RESTAFTER THE FIRST PAYMENT.THEN I WILL
SEND TO YOU THE PICS AS PROMISE SO THAT YOU WILL KNOW WERE YOU PROBLEM IS
COMING FROM.FINALLY I HAVE A TAPE THAT WILL INTREST YOU SO MUCH .
PAY THE MONEY TO MY BOY AS SOON AS HE CONFIRMS THE PAYMENT I WILL DO THE
NEEDFULL.FORWARD THE PAYMENT SLIP TO ME AFTER SENDING THE MONEY .
Name:XXXXXXXXX
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:$4000dollars
Senders Name...................................
MTCN Refrence Number............................................
PAY THROUGH MONEY GRAM,RIGHT NOW AND BE FAST ABOUT IT.
Mr Nnaeke Olando
Then the second mail the next day:
This is to informed you that your life is going to end if you don't comply with me that i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do that within 10days Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you.If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment I have already being paid get back to me immediately your recieve this mail
And finally, my latest response:
Ooh, sorry about that, I've been busy.
I really am rather worried by all this, you know. I've been racking my brains trying to figure out what it could be that has prompted this threat on my life. Is it anything to do with that library fine? Or the video I sent back to Blockbusters without saying anything even though my machine chewed it up? I think it was The Goonies. I just respooled it and popped it through the letterbox, then ran like fury. Not been back since, but I didn't realise they would go to such extremes.
Also, I know I'm not supposed to be out after 7pm, but is it okay if I put the bin out in twenty minutes or so? I had haddock for dinner and it's really starting to hum in there, would be much happier if I could get rid if it and stick it in the outside bin.
Now, to the rather unsavoury topic of money. You want $12,000 if I understand correctly? I don't have that kind of money available immediately you know. Would it be possible to get a few days grace to scrape together the cash? I need to juggle a few credit card accounts around, sell one of my kidneys, perhaps get a paper round in the mornings. Or could I offer you payment in kind? I'm no hitman, but I am a qualified proof reader and marketer - I'm sure I could make your emails really stand out from the crowd and get your key selling points and call to action over quickly and efficiently, whilst helping you to develop a unique style and tone of voice that sets you apart from the rest of the market.
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself here. What's the next step?
Yours in fear,
Mike
YOU WELL COME
AS IT MAY BE RIGHT NOW I AM IN TOWN WITH MY MEN FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT AS
PLAND SO ALL THAT IM DEMANDING FROM YOU AS I HAVE OPENED UP TO YOU IS JUST
$12000 DOLLARS AND YOU WILL BE FREE FROM THIS MESS BECAUSE I AM HERE TO
ELIMINATE YOU ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY.LISTEN AND LISTEN CAREFULLY,YOU WILL
FIRST OF ALL PAY $4000 DOLLARS TO THE NAME BELOW .TO AVOID ANY REGRETS JUST
ACT AS DIRECTED .....THEN PAY THE RESTAFTER THE FIRST PAYMENT.THEN I WILL
SEND TO YOU THE PICS AS PROMISE SO THAT YOU WILL KNOW WERE YOU PROBLEM IS
COMING FROM.FINALLY I HAVE A TAPE THAT WILL INTREST YOU SO MUCH .
PAY THE MONEY TO MY BOY AS SOON AS HE CONFIRMS THE PAYMENT I WILL DO THE
NEEDFULL.FORWARD THE PAYMENT SLIP TO ME AFTER SENDING THE MONEY .
Name:XXXXXXXXX
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:$4000dollars
Senders Name...................................
MTCN Refrence Number............................................
PAY THROUGH MONEY GRAM,RIGHT NOW AND BE FAST ABOUT IT.
Mr Nnaeke Olando
Then the second mail the next day:
This is to informed you that your life is going to end if you don't comply with me that i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do that within 10days Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you.If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment I have already being paid get back to me immediately your recieve this mail
And finally, my latest response:
Ooh, sorry about that, I've been busy.
I really am rather worried by all this, you know. I've been racking my brains trying to figure out what it could be that has prompted this threat on my life. Is it anything to do with that library fine? Or the video I sent back to Blockbusters without saying anything even though my machine chewed it up? I think it was The Goonies. I just respooled it and popped it through the letterbox, then ran like fury. Not been back since, but I didn't realise they would go to such extremes.
Also, I know I'm not supposed to be out after 7pm, but is it okay if I put the bin out in twenty minutes or so? I had haddock for dinner and it's really starting to hum in there, would be much happier if I could get rid if it and stick it in the outside bin.
Now, to the rather unsavoury topic of money. You want $12,000 if I understand correctly? I don't have that kind of money available immediately you know. Would it be possible to get a few days grace to scrape together the cash? I need to juggle a few credit card accounts around, sell one of my kidneys, perhaps get a paper round in the mornings. Or could I offer you payment in kind? I'm no hitman, but I am a qualified proof reader and marketer - I'm sure I could make your emails really stand out from the crowd and get your key selling points and call to action over quickly and efficiently, whilst helping you to develop a unique style and tone of voice that sets you apart from the rest of the market.
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself here. What's the next step?
Yours in fear,
Mike
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)