You cunty little sleek bit of arty farty design. Having left my mobile in the office last night, I was bereft of a morning alarm and, finishing an Xbox 360 session at 2.30am, realised an 8am start was not going to happen without one. Now, admittedly I had polished off a bottle of wine so might not have been thinking as clearly as normally, but I remembered my iPod has a clock on it. lovely news, thinks I. I'll set the alarm on that bad boy, which I duly did before falling asleep.
However, the alarm on an iPod is only going to work IF YOU SLEEP WITH THE FUCKING EARPHONES IN. Otherwise, you will hear fuck all and wake up at five to nine in a total panic and looking like shit. Brilliant. Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant. Still, it did have a cheery little message on the screen telling me I had missed my alarm. Fucking smashing.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Saturday, 15 September 2007
Okay, I've moaned about it before and yes, I am on it and yes, I do use it to keep in touch with people. I've tracked down old mates and all the rest of it.
However:
I do not want to be a pirate.
I do not want to be a ninja.
I do not want to do a movie quiz.
I do not want to take a compatibility test.
I do not want to tickle anyone.
I do not want to play poker.
I do not want to play blackjack.
I do not want to send fish to your aquarium.
I do not want to stroke someone's pet.
I do not want to give someone a gift.
I DO want to use it to see what my mates are up to. Now fuck off and let me get on with it.
However:
I do not want to be a pirate.
I do not want to be a ninja.
I do not want to do a movie quiz.
I do not want to take a compatibility test.
I do not want to tickle anyone.
I do not want to play poker.
I do not want to play blackjack.
I do not want to send fish to your aquarium.
I do not want to stroke someone's pet.
I do not want to give someone a gift.
I DO want to use it to see what my mates are up to. Now fuck off and let me get on with it.
Friday, 14 September 2007
Bournemouth town centre promotions/charity/godbothering cunts
FUCK THE FUCK OFF!
I've just walked through the centre of Bournemouth in my lunchbreak - what should be a relatively straightforward exercise. Only it isn't, is it?
No, I don't want a flyer advertising your comedy club. No thanks, I'm not interested in donating to Save The Children. It's okay, I don;t want to buy a Big Issue. No, it's okay, I don't want a flier about a new club night at Dusk Till Dawn. Sorry, I'm not interested in a leaflet about scientology. No, excuse me, I don't want to hear you talking about how God saved us all either. No, I don't want a subway sub for lunch, I've already eaten thanks. No, fuck off Greenpeace I don't want to give you my credit card details to save the world either. And no, I don;t want a new mobile phone contract either.
FUCK OFF YOU BUNCH OF FUCKING CUNTS. GET A PROPER FUCKING JOB AND STOP BOTHERING ME WITH YOUR SHITTY FUCKING LEAFLETS.
I'm off to leave the telly on overnight just to piss off the tree-hugging cunt from Greenpeace who wouldn;t take no for an answer.
I've just walked through the centre of Bournemouth in my lunchbreak - what should be a relatively straightforward exercise. Only it isn't, is it?
No, I don't want a flyer advertising your comedy club. No thanks, I'm not interested in donating to Save The Children. It's okay, I don;t want to buy a Big Issue. No, it's okay, I don't want a flier about a new club night at Dusk Till Dawn. Sorry, I'm not interested in a leaflet about scientology. No, excuse me, I don't want to hear you talking about how God saved us all either. No, I don't want a subway sub for lunch, I've already eaten thanks. No, fuck off Greenpeace I don't want to give you my credit card details to save the world either. And no, I don;t want a new mobile phone contract either.
FUCK OFF YOU BUNCH OF FUCKING CUNTS. GET A PROPER FUCKING JOB AND STOP BOTHERING ME WITH YOUR SHITTY FUCKING LEAFLETS.
I'm off to leave the telly on overnight just to piss off the tree-hugging cunt from Greenpeace who wouldn;t take no for an answer.
Monday, 3 September 2007
Fucking Redknapp. Again.
UNBE-COCKING-LIEVABLE
The man's love-hate relationship with theord 'literally' continues apace. On Sunday's coverage of Arsenal v Portsmouth, he misused the word in spectacular fashion. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the following sterling example of how not to use the word 'literally'. If you can envisage this scenariou actually happening in literal terms, your brain will probably explode.
'Fabregas is like Paul Scholes. He sees pictures inside his head and then literally paints them on a football pitch'
No. He. Doesn't.
The man's love-hate relationship with theord 'literally' continues apace. On Sunday's coverage of Arsenal v Portsmouth, he misused the word in spectacular fashion. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the following sterling example of how not to use the word 'literally'. If you can envisage this scenariou actually happening in literal terms, your brain will probably explode.
'Fabregas is like Paul Scholes. He sees pictures inside his head and then literally paints them on a football pitch'
No. He. Doesn't.
Monday, 13 August 2007
Jamie fucking redknapp
How the hell is this retarded cunt allowed on the telly? Which dickhead Sky TV exec thought that a career on the physio table during which he managed to achieve the sum total of absolutely fuck all made him perfect to be inflicting his ill-informed, terribly-worded opinions on the nation's football fans? WHAT A CUNT.
It's bad enough that he interrupts people who know far fuckng more than him ALL THE TIME. It's bad enough that he seems to be on every single match that Sky show. But what's much worse is the fact that he is about as literate and educated as a carrier bag full of festering cow shit.
He also insists on using the word 'literally' all the time. When he clearly doesn't mean 'literally'. One great recent example of this was in the charity shield: 'He's literally left his man for dead there'. NO HE HASN'T YOU STUPID FUCKING COCKFART OF A MAN.
however, this weekend he slightly ruined the pleasure I took in my beloved sunderland scoring a last-minute winner against Spurs by saying 'Time literally stood still for Chopra there.'
Go back to fucking your stupid vacuous wife and leave football alone, you silly little cunt. Or I will literally kill you.
It's bad enough that he interrupts people who know far fuckng more than him ALL THE TIME. It's bad enough that he seems to be on every single match that Sky show. But what's much worse is the fact that he is about as literate and educated as a carrier bag full of festering cow shit.
He also insists on using the word 'literally' all the time. When he clearly doesn't mean 'literally'. One great recent example of this was in the charity shield: 'He's literally left his man for dead there'. NO HE HASN'T YOU STUPID FUCKING COCKFART OF A MAN.
however, this weekend he slightly ruined the pleasure I took in my beloved sunderland scoring a last-minute winner against Spurs by saying 'Time literally stood still for Chopra there.'
Go back to fucking your stupid vacuous wife and leave football alone, you silly little cunt. Or I will literally kill you.
Friday, 10 August 2007
People who ask 'what's your poison' in a pub when ordering a round
Just fuck the fuck off. You are NOT cool, you are NOT having a great time, you are stood in a wanky town centre pub with colleagues you clearly do not want to be with. Stop trying to sound crazy and like you go out all the time because the entire world can see that you just a massive cunt who never gets invited out with interesting people and instead says things like 'what's your poison?'. And I bet you drive a cunts car, have a small penis, no real friends, and work in sales.
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