Russian brides. It has been a while.

I've not pursued a Russian bride for a little while, but something about this lady's fringe spoke to me. Here is her first email to me, along with my reply below. I bet myself a mars bar that she doesn't respond to this one. It's a bit dark.

Hi stranger!
My name Kristina. If to be fair, I do not know what to write to you as I for the first time get acquainted on the Internet. But I nevertheless shall try to make it.

I never got acquainted the first with men, in fact men always begin acquaintance to women. I in general am very happy, that could write to you as I badly know a computer and for a long time could not be registered on a site. But with the divine help at me it has turned out. I was interested with your structure and I have dared to write to you. I with impatience shall wait from you the answer. Probably you my second half! I very strongly want to find to myself of the partner in life as to me 31 years, and at me are not present the family and children. In fact time leaves very quickly and we shall not notice, that the life has already has passed by, and we and have not understood for what lived. Forgive, I already probably have bothered you with the reasonings:).

I want to write to you a little about me:My growth of 5.7 foots, weight of 54 kgs. I have attractive appearance and a harmonous figure.I am very cheerful and joyful person with sense of humour. I like when concerning the man and the woman, the leader the man. You can be the leader in attitudes? I always listen to opinion of the man and I adhere to it. I the quiet woman also do not love quarrel. Well, on it I shall finish the letter. Tomorrow I shall come again into the Internet of cafe and I shall be very happy to see your letter. I shall give you my e-mail for fast communication as it is very difficult for me to write to you on a site and I do not know as you to send the photo. Through e-mail I can send you her without problems.

Please reply only to my personal e-mail: xxxxx@yahoo.com

I with the big hope wait from you the letter. Good-bye.
Kristina.


MY ANSWER

Good felching, Kristina!

I feel very lucky that you have contacted me, as I have not received many contacts through the fetish dating site. However, you are beautiful in many ways, firm of fringe and hooped of earring. You are of particular interest to me because you bear a striking resemblance to my ex wife, and I think that perhaps in time you can replace her. It would be most handy if you could.

See, the thing is, I like a bit of the rough stuff with women, if you catch my drift. Nothing too serious, just light whipping, bondage, domination, choking, anal rape, genital piercing, pissing, suffocation, that kind of thing. Now, with the missus, who looks a lot like you, things went a bit too far. With hindsight, the chainsaw was always going to be a dangerous addition to our torture dungeon, but what’s done is done and luckily the walls are thin so her death gurgle would not have been overheard.

It does, however, leave me with a little bit of an issue. I’ve told the neighbours that she has gone to stay with her mother for a couple of months, but at some point they are bond to start asking questions and I’m going to need a replacement who looks the same – at least from a distance. I was wondering, if we chat over email for a while and hit it off, how you would feel about coming over here and marrying me? You look close enough to the (now) ex, and I think we can get around some of the problems in public by getting you to wear a burka and pretend you have converted to Islam.

In return I will provide you with free lodgings, food and all the rest of it – you just need to be willing to adhere to the following routines that I enjoyed with the wife in order to avoid arousing suspicion, and then we could have a wonderful life together.

Monday: Monday is traditionally spitroast day in my house. I usually invite a few friends over – Adolf, Uncle Josef and Peter Sutcliffe – and we will enjoy a really good spitroast. You will be expected to provide us with that, and not to complain. You will also need to clean up afterwards, which can include the unsightly task of getting the lumps out of Adolf’s moustache.

Tuesday: you will be expected to deliver pharmaceutical packages to a number of locations across London. You will not open the packages, and you will not ask the names of those you will meet. You will be contacted by them via cell phone only, and if you are discovered, you are to tell no-one and insist the packages were for personal use only.

Wednesday: Free time.

Thursday: It is traditional on this day that my wife and I will visit our nearest nature reserve where I will bait, trap and kill a wild squirrel. You will then be expected to lick its nuts before we barbeque it and serve it with a nice Chablis.

Friday: Party night! I traditionally host a lavish ballroom affair, with wine on the tables, 50-60 guests, a live jazz band, great food fron internationally-recognised chefs and an after-dinner speaker. You will be expected to look after everyone’s coats.

Saturday: Some friends and I adopted a young girl a few years back, and we share responsibility for looking after her. She normally stays inside, but to keep her fit and healthy, it is inevitable that she will need to leave her quarters from time to time. You are to take her for a brisk walk, then return her to the dungeon. You will need to keep her on the lead at all times as she has a record of escape attempts.

Sunday: I am a church minister, so you will be expected to attend the morning service with me, then provide afternoon tea for other women of the parish, and occasionally attend church fetes and such like with me.

How does that sound to you? Please write back and let me know as soon as possible!

Much love,

People in open plan offices who tell everyone everything that they are doing. As they do it.

You know the sort. Every office has at least one of these fuckers; they seem so bastard determined to justify their existence and look busy that you end up knowing every shitty detail about their meaningless, empty, piss-poor lives. They will have a phone conversation, then relay it back to you immediately afterwards. Even when you can hear it to start with.

'Hi is that Wilson's? Great, can I book 200 leaflets, A4, to be delivered by Tuesday? I can? Thanks, that's great'
*hangs up*
*sidles over on chair*
'I just phoned Wilson's. I've booked 200 leaflets, A4, to be delivered by Tuesday.'

Thanks. For. That.

I'm saving up for a shotgun. Not sure whether I will shoot them or me, but the pain will end either way.

Redknapp. Literally. AGAIN

I will have to shoot him. apparently, tonight the ball "literally exploded off Ronaldo's boot."

Did it? DID IT? YOU STUPID FUCKING SHITE. His wittering, inane, badly-phrased bullshit continues to pollute our screens. you could see Souness tonight on Sky getting so pissed off with him interrupting that he stopped even trying to answer back, sank into his seat and counted to ten. He is so fucking dumb he even contributes himself. 'Ronaldo is different class, even though he has not had such a great season this year' at which point Ruud Gullit said 'It is crazy that people are saying it is a poor season, it is only because last season was so amazing for him. He is still top scorer in the Premier League and playing brilliantly, it is silly to say he is not having a good season'. To which Redknapp responded 'Yes, it's madness people saying he is not playing well when he has been fantastic this year, last season was amazing for him and he has been superb this year too' BUT IT WAS YOU THAT JUST SAID IT. JUST NOW I HEARD YOU, YOU FUCKING COCKMUNCHER. Just because he lacks the mental capacity to recall anythnig that happened more than 5 minutes ago, he assumes that the entire country is as thick as he is. I hope he gets AIDS and his face drops off. Live on television. And then it is eaten by a horse.

People that 'chillax'

Because relaxing, or even the more modern variant of 'chilling out' (a hateful enough term in itself) isn't quite enough to demonstrate how achingly fucking cool you are, is it. You spiky haired, media-course-graduated, rose-drinking, Jamie Oliver-watching CUNTS. Updating your facebook status with 'chillaxing' is EVEN COOLER, because it makes it sound like you are probably listening to some really cool laid back band that the rest of us haven't discovered yet on your wireless iPod speakers (RRP: £300) while sipping wine on your fucking decking while looking out over your perfectly manicured lawn, probably waiting for some really cool mates to come round later and chillax with you while you eat houmous and pitta bread. When in actual fact you are probably laid on the sofa eating pizza and half-heartedly trying to knock one out over that Northern Irish bird off The One Show. It is a dismal attempt to hide the crushing dullness that is our spare time, and it can just fuck the fuck off. What did you do last night, Greg? Oh, just chillaxed at the pad with my missus. When in actual fact, you sat in the spare room playing Football Manager till 2 am while she read a book then went to bed.

At least I am honest about my downtime, and never pretend to chillax. I'm perfectly comfortable with admitting that I kill prostitutes in my spare time instead. Chillaxing CUNTS.

I got the job!

Can't wait to tell my boss to shove it!

Hello Dan,

We have received and reviewed your resume. Your qualification is acceptable for Company Representative.

Vacancy: Administrative Assistant.


As our administrative assistant you will be working the average of 5-8 hours per week while earning an average of £800-£1600 per month. DS Trading Company has been in business since 2001, with the head office located in New York, US, and branches in Eastern Europe. We offer a variety of services to our clients, including - reselling and selling, providing auction services, and uniting sellers with administrative assistants worldwide to contribute to the productivity of the sales force.

Here are the frequently asked questions that will help you to understand better how our company works and what is the role of the administrative assistants and their responsibilities.

Who are the sellers?
All sellers have at least two years of experience in selling through major auctions such as Ebay, Qxl, and Amazon. All sellers have at least 98% positive feedback score, with at least 30 feedbacks. The sellers can be located anywhere in the world Paris, New York, Moscow, Vena, Sydney, Delhi, or any other location.

Where are the items sold?
Items are sold through top online websites such as Ebay, Amazon Auctions, Big Deals, QXL, and more.

What are the items sold?
Main items sold are: consumer electronics, jewelry, and collectibles.

What is the administrative assistant's role?
Administrative assistant's role is to unite the seller and the buyer by location.
For example, the seller is located in Paris, and wants to sell the item through UK auction site to a buyer within UK;
we will enhance the shopper's experience and increase sales by having a representative within that region of sales.

Your duties will include:
Monitoring of sales data in your region of the United Kingdom.
Receiving the clients payings.
Sorting outgoing/ingoing correspondence on request.
Provide necessary information to all the offices and vendors involved.

Is this position connected with selling or payment processes?
How the purchases notifications are sent?
The position of administrative assistant includes payments collecting and correspondence maintaining. The administrative assistant is not required to be a sales person. The buyer and seller manage the situation if the exchange is required. You will be informed by e-mail as soon as a deal is agreed, purchasing happens. The information will include buyer, purchase and pricing details. You will be working from your home office around your schedule.

Offered benefits.
We guarantee two vacations twice a year, two weeks each. While you are on vacation the compensation will be £800. You have to work for the company at least 3 months to take your first vacation. Special discounts on our items are available for our workers. We pay your taxes. We will send you an invoice declaring your income, you state the taxes and we pay the amount.

Will I be required to make any investments in the project?
How the salary is paid out?
You will not have to invest. All the organization fees are paid by the company. The salary varies between £800 and £1600. 10% of every transfer received from a customer is yours. If your month income is below £800 the company pays out the difference to you, sending it as a check or wire transfer.

Will wait for your answer!

And here is my answer

Hey, sweet cheeks. Thanks for the job offer. I'm very grateful and would like to take you up on it. I do have a few questions about the company though. As you can probably tell, I am an ambitious man. I'm not casting aspersions here, but I think some people are suited to be the administrative assistants of the world. Captains of industry like you and I, babe, are probably destined for greater things. And the best thing is that this sounds like a piece of piss way to make money. So what are my career progression opportunities? I mean, in all seriousness, I don't want to be fucking around at the bottom of the food chain for too long. I'm looking for an agreed promotion within the first six months to managerial level, and ideally a seat on the board within a year. I have a few hundred thousand dollars in a bank account that I am seriously looking to invest in a legitimate company just so's to kill the heat on a bit if you get my drift, and I think it could be a very interesting arrangement if I were to become a major investor in your business, don't you?

Anyway, that's all for the future. For now, let's talk logistics. Do I get a company car and mobile? An iPhone would be best, so I can check those auctions on the move, while I'd love a Mondeo as a set of wheels. Something I can really pimp and attract some quality bitches with. Also, business cards. I like business cards. When will they turn up? do you have a company logo? If not, I can draw you one for no extra charge.

Do let me know, I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Peace out, mo fo.

Dan

New year - new job?

Got an email offering me the chance to earn big bucks doing fuck all. Guess they'll only need my bank details so they can start to pay me, huh? But I wonder just how competitive the selection process for this dream job is? See their email to me, and my response - complete with CV.


Hello,

International company is hiring! We are looking for for employees within the whole territory of the United Kingdom. We hire personnel at the age of 21 to 70 for rather easy work on processing of the incoming orders and performancing of simple management duties.

You don't have to be a professional or to have special training. We also don't require working experience in any field; all you need for this job are:

- Good communication skills.
- Ability to accurately follow the instructions on the solving the required tasks.
- Ready to work 5-8 hours per week.
- Ability to work with Word and Excel.
- E-mail and internet experience (minimal).

This job is ideal students, mothers, pensioners and people who are looking for the part-time job perfectly well.

All the candidates will be selected and checked on the competitive basis. To submit your application, please, send us your CV or profile to the following address:

e-mail: XXXXX

After resume approbation you'll receive detailed job information.

My answer (from my new alter-ego, Dan Humpage)

Dear Lisa,

Many thanks for your recent email regarding part-time work opportunities. Please find my CV attached. When can I start?

Warm regards,

Dan Humpage


Curriccullum Vetae – Dan Humpage
Personal statement
I am a highly motivated individual and recovering drug addict who is looking to rebuild his life following a very difficult period. My manic depression and tourrette’s syndrome mean that I am not well suited to working with other people or in a public facing role, as my mild psychosis has on occasion pushed me into regrettable physical conflict. However, I am ideally suited to working from home as it means I can mould my working hours around my propensity for self harm.

Education
The School of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies
1990-1997
GCSEs English Literature (E)
English Language (E)
Maths (E)
All other subjects (F)

Employment History

Chief Librarian, HMP Dorchester
This was a position I undertook during my most recent stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. My chief duties included putting books on the shelves, keeping a track of loans, and administering beatings for books returned overdue. I was asked to leave the post a month early due to a combination of my tourrette’s syndrome distracting library users, and a refusal to loan out a book about suicide because I didn’t think the bloke would bring it back.
Reason for leaving: Fired. Then released.

Receptionist, GP surgery
This public facing role saw me welcoming visitors to a GP surgery, booking appointments and keeping a track of their medical records. I really enjoyed this role, but my troubles with drugs meant that I found it a little too easy to help myself to the contents of the medical cupboard and my manic depression meant that I inadvertently talked two patients into suicide attempts. One of them had only come in with an ingrowing toenail. I was removed from the position against my will, and still harbour a grudge against the do-gooder that dobbed me in.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

Head chef, HMP Dartmoor
Another position I worked hard to get. I secured this position via interview, being selected ahead of a number of other candidates including ‘Slasher’ McGraw and ‘Arsenic’ Andrews (though to be fair, he was in for poisoning so you’d not really trust him in the kitchen, would you?). My job included the preparation of fresh meals for other guests.
Reason for leaving: Early parole

Teaching Assistant
Another role I really loved. I love children. REALLY love children. Turned out that was the problem. I was involved in all aspects of helping the teacher look after the class, who were aged 10-12. The class, not the teachers. Unfortunately, due to a lack of resources and insufficient training, I was frequently left to rely on my instinct and making the best of a bad situation. Matters came to a head when I was left in charge of a sex ed class and thought the kids may be interested in watching Transexual Horse Lover 3 together. I still have some of the letters written in by the parents. Shocking language, no wonder their children were so very, very naughty in bed.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

Gardener, HMP Parkhurst
This role required that I tend and maintain the gardens in and around an area of outstanding natural beauty. This was made more difficult as I was not permitted access to sharp instruments like shears due to the terms and conditions of some legal mumbo-jumbo.
Reason for leaving: Released

Entrepreneur, self-employed
Working for myself, this role required a great deal of self-motivation and organisation. I would import goods from Amsterdam, Colombia and Africa, then organise distribution through a network of similar, independent traders. I was also responsible for overseeing the accounting of the operation, managing a team of debt collectors and delivery boys.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

References are available on request.

Margarita - the woman of my dreams

I'm lonely and still looking for that wife, now it would appear that my contract killer is bored of me. Maybe Margarita is that special someone?

Hello!

My name is Margarita! I am 29 years old.

I addressed in agency acquaintances. When I have specified, how I search for type of the man. Me have told to approach in 1 week. When I have again come to agency of acquaintances, to me have told yours email adress. I am a teacher and i like my work very much. I work with children and Now I have an opportunity to write to you I am an interesting, beautiful, kind and single young lady. I want to find my love, my half and want to marry him. I am looking for a man who will fall in love with me and I will fall in love with him. I have never been married but I dream about it. I am fond of children and I dream about a happy family with the beloved man. I am interested in music, cooking, reading, traveling and others. I know English very good and can easily speak!!

If you are interested in me please write me on my e-mail: vkusnyashka99@gmail.com

Please write me and I will send you my photos.

I wait for your letter very much.

Margarita.


My reply

Warmy runny greetings with a coating of phlegm, Margarita!

Me amazed to get email you from. Beautiful you are, such eyes! And two of them.

I am covered in my own happy juices that you have emailed me. It is not a surprise that you found me through an agency; I have been using agency girls for some time. Very discreet and always they will respond to suggestion. Like bringing coke. Or a street urchin that will not be missed.

You have such inner beauty that it makes my pancreas inflate with vigour. I long to hold you in my arms, so tight that there is no more breath in you. Like tiny sparrow until the wings stop beating then will be all mine in my pocket and no-one can take away not even carer.

I can see you know English good and speak easily. Me too, though I have a slight lisp and sometimes get my rs wrong. Also is good you like children. I love children too, I spend much time in children. It our secret.

I see you seek a man for marriage - what do you think is most important in husband? I seek many things in woman - must be kind of heart, noble of mind, quick of wit and fleet of foot. A lover, a friend, a mother, a companion. Also double jointed and blessed in the nork department. False teeth preferred.

I would be lovings to hear back from you, to see if we can meet and be as one some day as I am interested in a bride, and failing that a shufty at some more pics of you would not be a bad thing.

Love you in the face,

Mike