The FUCKING ANGRY man

Why our football team is going to the dogs

2012-02-09T12:16:00.000Z

Taking a look at the players currently available to whomever the new England manager will be, it could conceivably consist of the following XI – all of whom had to be relied on by Capello at some time or other during his time in charge:

1) David James – had an affair behind wife’s back with a Hollyoaks star.
2) Glen Johnson – stole a toilet seat from B&Q
3) Ashley Cole – cheats on his wife and sends naked images to other woman
4) Steven Gerrard – caught on CCTV twatting a DJ
5) John Terry – escaped jail after assault and affray in 2002, mocked grieving American tourists in the immediate aftermath of 9/11, had an affair with his team-mate’s wife and has been filmed shouting racist abuse at a fellow professional
6) Rio Ferdinand – consoled himself on missing out for Euro 2000 by going on holiday and filming an orgy with his team mates
7) Jermaine Pennant – jailed for drink driving and has actually had to play while wearing an electronic tag.
8) Frank Lampard – a co-performer in Rio’s sex tape.
9) Peter Crouch – uses teenage whores behind his girlfriend’s back.
10) Wayne Rooney- uses granny whores behind his wife’s back
11) Jermaine Defoe – had sex in his car in broad daylight just yards from a full playground

And apparently, Fabio Capello has ‘failed to motivate them’. What utterly shameful, embarrassing bollocks. The man has won titles in Italy and Spain, as well as the Champion’s League. Are we to assume that he does not know how to motivate? Or is it fairer to say he is used to working with committed professionals capable of concentrating on the roles he asks them to fill, meaning he can concentrate on tactical gameplans to maximize his team’s strengths and minimize the opposition’s?

To succeed as England manager, it would seem the most important things you can do is to get up first and make the players their Coco Pops, telling them that they are mummy’s special soldier and only playing a formation that suits them and lets them run around and kick the ball as much as they want in the way that they want to do it. Team briefings should not interrupt anyone texting their mistress/arranging a visit from a whore and there is no need to concentrate on the finer points of tactical play. Training should be focused 100% around RUNNING THROUGH BRICK WALLS and nothing else because that, ultimately, is how they will be judged.

Because the manager is foreign, he could have absolutely no pride in the shirt whatsoever, unlike the squad of English born, English-bred Neanderthals who would never leave these glorious shores if it wasn’t for the inconvenience of away games. They demonstrate their pride by adhering to no moral code whatsoever and placing themselves and their egos at the very centre of the universe.

When they inevitably are found wanting when coming up against disciplined, intelligent professionals who are able to work with their coach to identify and execute a gameplan, the will stare around in bewildered buffoonery looking for someone else to blame for this seemingly inexplicable glitch in the matrix. Sometimes it is the fault of the officials, but as long as it is someone foreign that doesn’t understand just how important the bulldog spirit is then the world is back on an even keel and we can all look forward to repeating the entire fuckshow at the next available opportunity.

Fabio Capello is not to blame for this disgusting state of affairs any more than Sven was (indeed, the two most successful managers in England’s history when judged on number of wins and tournaments qualified for, as opposed to the percentage of brick walls run through, pints of blood spilled and decibels achieved while singing our national anthem/booing the enemy’s opposition’s.

Nope, the reason English football is in the shit is because we’ve engineered a system where they earn too much money to worry or care about anything. Ever. Lacking the discipline or intelligence of European footballers, we hoik them out of school aged about 6 and create monstrous personalities that are doomed to end in inevitable Shakespearean tragedy.

Imagine doing your job safe in the knowledge that if you and your colleagues are absolutely shit, your boss will be the one that gets fired. That you don’t actually need to justify your salary through your performance, because you can’t be sacked. That even if somehow your boss does look like succeeding in forcing you out, another company doing exactly the same thing will probably pay you even more money than the sum you already fail to justify.

Do you think you’d thrive and excel, or become lazy, arrogant and un-motivated? I think a whole lot of people would fall into the latter category – and every single professional footballer would be there with you.

There are, of course, English footballers out there who are committed to improving themselves and show the passion and motivation that are needed for success. What they need is for those who lack those characteristics to stop taking up valuable squad space that could be given to someone who actually gives a shit.

Poor old Fabio tried to treat the bunch of miscreants currently disgracing the Three Lions like adults, in the belief that they could change. If he made a major mistake during his tenure, that was it. But had he summarily dismissed them all and started from scratch with a new squad, he’d have been slaughtered by the media and such inexperience would also have been laid painfully bare for all to see when put to the sword by world football’s finest.

What we need to do is give the obnoxious twats that currently infest our team one final hurrah (or boo) and then rebuild. Write off the next world cup because we don’t have the kind of experienced leaders left for the new generation to look up to. Behaviourally, we are two generations of footballer away from having any kind of chance at a major tournament because we simply cannot conduct ourselves in a manner that enables a solid infrastructure to be built around the team upon which success can be built.

I just hope the Tom Cleverleys, the Jack Wilshires and the Daniel Sturridges are watching and learning from just how wrong the ‘golden generation’ that preceded them got it. If they can be part of a new England environment that rewards intelligence, teamwork and commitment rather than massaging egos and referee personality battles on the covers of the nation’s tabloids then we just MIGHT have a chance.

But don’t for one second think that Fabio Cappello’s departure will change any of this. It makes it much, much worse. Fabio, you’re best off out of it – you deserve to work with much, much better than what England had to offer you.

I'm giving away MILLIONS for charidee

2010-07-08T14:17:00.001+01:00

------Original Message------
From: Mr. Adada Adada
To: undisclosed-recipients:;,
ReplyTo: xxxxxx
Subject: Re: Charity Request.
Sent: 8 Jul 2010 11:39

Hello Friend,

I am Mr. Adada an Oil merchant in Iraq; i have been diagnosed with esophageal cancer.
It has defied all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts, just recently my doctor inform me i have a few weeks to live due to the esophageal cancer. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of fifteen million dollars $15, 000, 000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations. I!
t may interest you to know that i

I have set aside 10% for you and for your time.

God be with you.

Mr. Adada

My reply:

Hello, FRIEND!

Dear Mr Adadadadadada Dadadadadada (is there a tune for that, by the way?)

I was utterly amazed and delighted to find you nestling deep within my box this morning. Obviously, bad old news about the cancer. boohoo and all that. Still, onwards and upwards, eh old chap? Must say it is terribly good of you to be thinking of me (and the charities) at this difficult stage for you. Throat cancer is a real pain in the neck.

I am a similarly charitable soul to yourself, and have always tried to live a pious life (preferably steak and ale or chicken and mushroom). I wouldn't worry about the fact that you have been an evil tyrant most of your life - the great thing about God is that as long as you are really sorry about all the prostitutes and killings and whatever, he'll still let you in at the last minute.

Given that you want to give alms to charity and are based in Iraq, I have toyed with the idea of creating a charitable foundation on your behalf to oversee these wishes. However, I have already made a number of phone calls and the response I got to my suggestions of a new charity entitled Let's Send Alms to Iraq was given very short shrift by everyone between A and C in the Yellow Pages. Thank goodness for my 100 free minutes on my mobile contract, eh?

Anyhow, to business. I would like to accept your offer and would love to accept delivery of the full amount ($15,000,000) via Western Union transfer. They have a branch in my local high street so it probably seems easiest that way.

The specific charities I would like to support with your most generous donation are:

Scooby doo-ings
This is a charity that re-homes sexually traumatised animals that have been subjected to vicious sodomy, rendering them unwilling to work as guide dogs if their owner can get that easily confused after three pints of special brew.

Free Cambodian Women
I want to make all women in Cambodia free - a notion I am sure you would agree with. The idea is that instead of having to pay for them by the hour, or night, a central fund would be set up which enables tourists to just book whichever one they want for the evening without having to actually pay for it. This extra saving for the tourist could bring millions of extra visitors to the country, based on the freedom of women, and there would be substantial benefits in supporting industries such as the manufacture of rohypnol, neat vodka, and shallow graves - all of which will still be needed, fee or no fee!

The Louise Bennett Holiday fund.
Poor Louise Bennet was born with no eyes, limbs, ears or lungs. She can survive only by drinking yak's milk through her tear ducts, due to a crippling series of allergies that leave her intolerant of most everyday items including Marmite, Fairy Liquid, dust, oxygen and knicker elastic. I have met Louise on a number of occasions and she is a remarkable young woman. She can only communicate by banging her stumps against a tambourine in morse code, but she has expressed to me that her lifelong ambition is to perform an unaided skydive over the grand canyon in america. I would love to pay for her family and her to travel to america so that she can perform her unaided sky dive, and have been saving money to make it happen. On the plus side, we will probably need one less seat reservation on the return flight, so that will save the charity a few quid.

The summer cull
I live in a beautiful seaside resort in England where every year, the view on the beach is ruined by fat mingers in bikinis. It makes finding the real hotties a chore. This charity will provide a summer home for all the mingers, away from the area, where they will be happy to eat chips and watch Keremy Kyle safe in the knowledge that Greenpeace will not turn up while they sunbathe on the beach and try to roll them back into the sea.

Obviously, these are just a few of my own suggestions - I would love to hear from you about any charities that you would like to give money to, and look forward to your next email with moist anticipation.

Remember dude - it's all for charidee.

Cuddles and love,

Mr Biggles

An open letter to Sunderland AFC

2010-02-09T22:05:00.006Z

Dear Steve Bruce (and the first team squad at Sunderland)

Jesus TITTY FUCKING CHRIST

What an embarrassing display of fuckwittery you are currently treating us all to! I wasn't aware that the current training regime was being overseen by the bastard lovechildren of Charlie Chaplin, the Chuckle Brothers and Morecombe and Wise, but the utterly embarrassing, humiliating FUCK KNUCKLE performances that you have turned in recently would suggest that rather than dribbling footballs round cones and learning how to play incisive one-twos around the opposition's box, you have instead been mastering the art of turning round whilst holding a ladder and twatting each other face-first into piles of cow shit, or leaning on recently-removed sections of the bar in the Nag's Head.

I have never in my life been so APPALLED at a bunch of footballers - and I've supported Sunderland for my entire life. That means I have seen some phenomenal shite (see McCarthy, M and McMenemy, L). But fuck me, you take the biscuit. You take the whole packet of fucking hobnobs, stick them up your arse (individually) and run off into the sunset singing the theme tune from Glee, actually.

It's bad enough that you look like the kid from that Mask film with Cher, if his face was set on fire and put out with a shovel, shortly before a swarm of killer bees took it in turn to sting his face, then force-feed him peanuts just before he discovered a horrific allergy to the fucking things. Then inject him with all the botox left over after Michael Jackson died.

No, annoying as it is looking at you (Mrs Bruce must have one hell of an imagination, if she lets you bone her with a face like a bagful of smashed twats), it is the fact that you somehow manage to send the troops out to battle with such a remarkable dedication to inefficiency that they somehow manage to fuck up like they did tonight.

We were playing BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE. A team that has not even got enough money to pay the paperboy. A club that has taken hit after hit after hit. A team that had its best players sold without the MD or manager being told. A team that, until recently, could not afford to play its own goalkeeper. A team that has less money than me (and I had to borrow a fiver to buy a bottle of wine to get me through the dismal existence that was listening to your overpaid shitstains lose tonight). A team that is OWNED BY THE FUCKING BAILIFFS. Never before in the history of football has a team been as badly run as Pompey. Tonight, you made them look like a well-oiled machine. We were a Morrisons to their Marks & Spencer.

To recap, we were playing against a team that is about as capable of winning the Premier League as Mohammed Ali is of winning gymnastic floor show (girls) at the next Olympics. A team that is so worried about where the next blow is coming from that they are starting to resemble a squirrel trapped in a room full of rocking chairs. Yet, faced with this glorious opportunity to halt the biggest slide since Lando Calrissian fell into that pit with the tongue things, you and your heroic employees decided that it was not necessary to take advantage of the fact that they were down to TEN MEN after a trifling TWELVE MINUTES and we were ONE NIL UP. No, like a confused former paedophile in a nursing home we decided to ignore the chance to bury the past, and show matron our photo collection.

You FUCKWITS. I admit that I do not yet hold my UEFA B Licence, but if the exam asks 'what should you do when winning one-nil away from home against bottom of the league when they are reduced to ten men?', DO NOT answer 'get two intellectually subnormal fucktards sent off as quickly as possible, then let them equalise while I stand there looking like someone just wanked on my children's faces in the queue for their school bus'. That might help you progress as a coach.

I sincerely hope that our team of multimillionaires learns from this latest unmitigated disaster. I am not hopeful, however. To be honest, I am not especially hopeful that any of them can actually wipe their own arse without getting shit on their chin, but perhaps time will prove me wrong.

In the meantime, I fucking quit. You are not worth the anger and hatred that following you engender in me. It's like going out with a bird who fucks all my mates, just because we went for a pizza 15 years ago and had a nice evening, and you never know, it might happen again sometime.

Besides which, there are only so many tramps I can kick to death in the aftermath of our failures to win without eventually being traced, and your shitehole football club is no longer worth the risk of an official police caution.

FUCK YOU.

Love,

The Fucking Angry Man.

The Angry Man - LIVE

2010-01-19T20:12:00.004Z

Sorry for lack of updates. Busy and shit, innit.

Anyhow, when I was in my prime and replying to lots of emails, I also got a few mails of the 'add me to your msn and we can chat sometime' ilk. I duly did, but no-one ever popped up on my MSN - until today. A young lady (yeah right) by the name of Carapachi. It had been so long since I added him/her/it/them that I could not remember the scam, but it followed the usual rules, building up to me providing my credit card details...

I proceeded to chat with the usual angry man bullshit answers, fully expecting to be cut off after a matter of seconds. To my amazement, with the self awareness of an MPs expenses accountant, the dumb fuckers just kept on trucking. My personal highlight is the song recital - the extra typos suggest that they weren't even cutting and pasting, but actually typing it out. I like to imagine that they were singing along too, but they can't be that naive -can they??

Anyhow, full conversation below - not too clever with formatting so I am in bold and she isn't - hope that the conversation is easy enough for you all to follow but if not stick something in the comments and I'll have a play with it (I ain't no weblord). And if you like it, stick something in the fucking comments anyway, it's take take take with you bastards and I never get any positive feedback on these pages...

carapuchi says: (16:37:42)
hello how are you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:38:14)
fine thanks, you?
carapuchi says: (16:40:26)
im fine thx babe
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:40:42)
busy day?
carapuchi says: (16:41:55)
not soooo
carapuchi says: (16:41:57)
so where are you from and how old are you baby
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:43:24)
i am from england and i am 32 and a quarter. What about you?
carapuchi says: (16:44:31)
im from uk warwick and im 23 :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:44:51)
a whippersnapper, eh
carapuchi says: (16:45:59)
waht do u mean
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:46:25)
young, compared to an old fart like me
carapuchi says: (16:47:47)
no its ok baby no worries :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:48:01)
so what do you do for a living then?
carapuchi says: (16:49:02)
i am a bikini model
carapuchi says: (16:49:04)
how about you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:49:17)
me too! what are the odds!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:49:42)
i would imagine that is rather seasonal work - how do you make ends meet the rest of the year?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:49:47)
winter must be tough
carapuchi says: (16:50:38)
yeah
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:51:34)
Do you model for any famous companies then?
carapuchi says: (16:52:05)
not yet maybe soon .... when i got win the contest that i join :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:52:29)
which contest is that then?
carapuchi says: (16:53:07)
its a contest in new york bikini modeling
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:53:19)
how exciting.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:53:21)
when is it?
carapuchi says: (16:53:46)
this comming feb 14
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:57:26)
how romanti
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:57:30)
romantic, even
carapuchi says: (16:58:03)
sexy romantic :D
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:58:34)
i cant imagine a bikini contest would be very romantic - quite competitive.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (16:58:57)
My cousin was in one once, it was terrible - the stage was charged by a buffalo and one of the girls was trampled to death
carapuchi says: (16:59:25)
ohh thats sucks :(
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:01)
yes it was very traumatic. They had to club the buffalo to death using their shoes in the end.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:08)
poor thing.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:37)
I don't even know what a live buffalo was doing in the british museum, ridiculous
carapuchi says: (17:01:43)
yeah poor thing :(
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:01:46)
where is your bikini contest being held?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:33)
is it near any buffalos?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:36)
be careful baby
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:39)
they are big animals
carapuchi says: (17:03:40)
new york city
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:03:55)
yes you said - wondered what building it was in
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:04:00)
its not a zoo is it?
carapuchi says: (17:05:43)
no baby
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:05:54)
oh thank god.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:06:12)
i think the world has seen enough bikini contests disrupted by animal savagery
carapuchi says: (17:06:28)
baby by the way can i ask you some little favor if its ok to you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:06:35)
of course you can, sugar cheeks
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:07:13)
which part of warwick are you from, by the way? I am unfamiliar with the grammatical rules in that part of the world, they seem quite baffling at times!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:07:53)
if your favour is to see a picture of me naked, I am afraid I only have those pictures on my work computer
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:08:06)
but pretty much anything else I will do for you
carapuchi says: (17:09:00)
can you give me a a vote on my pages using my own card info so i can be the top model for the month of january
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:09:21)
isn't that cheating?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:09:37)
i mean, if i am voting for you because i know you and we are friends?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:10:24)
i dont mind though. I just believe that if we can't rely on the integrity of a bikini contest, then all that we know to be good and pure in the world may be under threat
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:10:28)
no matter.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:11:38)
what do you need me to do?
carapuchi says: (17:12:05)
no baby its not
carapuchi says: (17:12:09)
dont worry ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:12:17)
i'm not going to jail? you promise?
carapuchi says: (17:13:09)
yeah no worriess just lsiten to me and follow my guide ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:14:31)
hmm. okay. But do you cross your heart and hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye? (if you type yes then i will accept your answer on this and we can proceed)
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:15:01)
just type yes
carapuchi says: (17:15:14)
YEAH YES
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:15:17)
and then i need you to do one favour for me before we start!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:15:35)
will yousing a song for me
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:16:18)
please?
carapuchi says: (17:16:25)
wah do u mean sogn
carapuchi says: (17:16:27)
song
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:16:30)
i'll take your word that you are singing, you just have to sing the lines as i type them
carapuchi says: (17:17:06)
ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:08)
yes, a song!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:24)
ok, it will only be a few lines, but I will type them
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:28)
then you can type them as you sing them
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:40)
after the first verse and the chorus, i will do your bidding!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:17:41)
deal?
carapuchi says: (17:17:52)
ok
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:12)
It's 'end of the road' by Boyz To Men.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:15)
It means a lot to me.
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:39)
Girl you know we belong together, I don't have time for you to be playing with my heart like this
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:18:52)
You'll be mine forever baby, you just wait
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:19:25)
We belong together and you know that I am right why do you play with my heart why do you play with my mind?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:19:47)
Daid we'd be forever said it'd never die, how could you love me and leave me and never say goodbye
carapuchi says: (17:19:57)
cool
Girl you now we beolng together, I don't have time for you to playiwith my heart like this oull be mine forever baby you just wait We belong together and you knwo that I am right why do you play with my hert why do you play with mymind?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:20:10)
When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight girl,. each time I just break down and cry
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:20:27)
Pain in my head oh i'd rather be dead, spinning around and around
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:20:43)
(here comes the choruse - are you singing?)
carapuchi says: (17:20:54)
yeah i am baby
When I can't sleep at nihgt without holding you tight girl,. each time I just break down and crypain in my head oh id rather be dead, spining around and aound
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:21:57)
Although we've come to the end of the road, still i can't let go. It's unnatural (its unnatural) you belong to me, i belong to you
carapuchi says: (17:22:13)
is that your fav. song?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:15)
(you type that bit out while I harmonise at this end, and we are done!)
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:20)
yes it is!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:32)
just type out the 'although we've come' bit and i'll be happy
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:22:40)
and then i will vote for you!
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:23:17)
please?
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:03)
hello? we need to hurry cos I'm going in a minute! sing my song and tell me how we make you win the bikini contest!
carapuchi says: (17:25:18)
Although we've come to the end of the road, still i cant let go. It's unnatural its unnatral you belong to me, i blong to you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:23)
wow, thank you
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:27)
i bet it was beautiful
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:25:33)
i sang it at my mother's funeral
carapuchi says: (17:28:47)
so can i send the first pages to sign up
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:29:07)
oh please do baby, i am moist with anticipation of seeing you in your undercrackers
mikeos@paragon.co.uk says: (17:31:03)
sorry sugarplum, I have to run - but next time you see me online shout me and I promise I will vote for you, I ,may be online later! I love you!

Russian brides. It has been a while.

2009-11-20T11:20:00.005Z

I've not pursued a Russian bride for a little while, but something about this lady's fringe spoke to me. Here is her first email to me, along with my reply below. I bet myself a mars bar that she doesn't respond to this one. It's a bit dark.

Hi stranger!
My name Kristina. If to be fair, I do not know what to write to you as I for the first time get acquainted on the Internet. But I nevertheless shall try to make it.

I never got acquainted the first with men, in fact men always begin acquaintance to women. I in general am very happy, that could write to you as I badly know a computer and for a long time could not be registered on a site. But with the divine help at me it has turned out. I was interested with your structure and I have dared to write to you. I with impatience shall wait from you the answer. Probably you my second half! I very strongly want to find to myself of the partner in life as to me 31 years, and at me are not present the family and children. In fact time leaves very quickly and we shall not notice, that the life has already has passed by, and we and have not understood for what lived. Forgive, I already probably have bothered you with the reasonings:).

I want to write to you a little about me:My growth of 5.7 foots, weight of 54 kgs. I have attractive appearance and a harmonous figure.I am very cheerful and joyful person with sense of humour. I like when concerning the man and the woman, the leader the man. You can be the leader in attitudes? I always listen to opinion of the man and I adhere to it. I the quiet woman also do not love quarrel. Well, on it I shall finish the letter. Tomorrow I shall come again into the Internet of cafe and I shall be very happy to see your letter. I shall give you my e-mail for fast communication as it is very difficult for me to write to you on a site and I do not know as you to send the photo. Through e-mail I can send you her without problems.

Please reply only to my personal e-mail: xxxxx@yahoo.com

I with the big hope wait from you the letter. Good-bye.
Kristina.

MY ANSWER

Good felching, Kristina!

I feel very lucky that you have contacted me, as I have not received many contacts through the fetish dating site. However, you are beautiful in many ways, firm of fringe and hooped of earring. You are of particular interest to me because you bear a striking resemblance to my ex wife, and I think that perhaps in time you can replace her. It would be most handy if you could.

See, the thing is, I like a bit of the rough stuff with women, if you catch my drift. Nothing too serious, just light whipping, bondage, domination, choking, anal rape, genital piercing, pissing, suffocation, that kind of thing. Now, with the missus, who looks a lot like you, things went a bit too far. With hindsight, the chainsaw was always going to be a dangerous addition to our torture dungeon, but what’s done is done and luckily the walls are thin so her death gurgle would not have been overheard.

It does, however, leave me with a little bit of an issue. I’ve told the neighbours that she has gone to stay with her mother for a couple of months, but at some point they are bond to start asking questions and I’m going to need a replacement who looks the same – at least from a distance. I was wondering, if we chat over email for a while and hit it off, how you would feel about coming over here and marrying me? You look close enough to the (now) ex, and I think we can get around some of the problems in public by getting you to wear a burka and pretend you have converted to Islam.

In return I will provide you with free lodgings, food and all the rest of it – you just need to be willing to adhere to the following routines that I enjoyed with the wife in order to avoid arousing suspicion, and then we could have a wonderful life together.

Monday: Monday is traditionally spitroast day in my house. I usually invite a few friends over – Adolf, Uncle Josef and Peter Sutcliffe – and we will enjoy a really good spitroast. You will be expected to provide us with that, and not to complain. You will also need to clean up afterwards, which can include the unsightly task of getting the lumps out of Adolf’s moustache.

Tuesday: you will be expected to deliver pharmaceutical packages to a number of locations across London. You will not open the packages, and you will not ask the names of those you will meet. You will be contacted by them via cell phone only, and if you are discovered, you are to tell no-one and insist the packages were for personal use only.

Wednesday: Free time.

Thursday: It is traditional on this day that my wife and I will visit our nearest nature reserve where I will bait, trap and kill a wild squirrel. You will then be expected to lick its nuts before we barbeque it and serve it with a nice Chablis.

Friday: Party night! I traditionally host a lavish ballroom affair, with wine on the tables, 50-60 guests, a live jazz band, great food fron internationally-recognised chefs and an after-dinner speaker. You will be expected to look after everyone’s coats.

Saturday: Some friends and I adopted a young girl a few years back, and we share responsibility for looking after her. She normally stays inside, but to keep her fit and healthy, it is inevitable that she will need to leave her quarters from time to time. You are to take her for a brisk walk, then return her to the dungeon. You will need to keep her on the lead at all times as she has a record of escape attempts.

Sunday: I am a church minister, so you will be expected to attend the morning service with me, then provide afternoon tea for other women of the parish, and occasionally attend church fetes and such like with me.

How does that sound to you? Please write back and let me know as soon as possible!

Much love,

People in open plan offices who tell everyone everything that they are doing. As they do it.

2009-04-16T15:53:00.003+01:00

You know the sort. Every office has at least one of these fuckers; they seem so bastard determined to justify their existence and look busy that you end up knowing every shitty detail about their meaningless, empty, piss-poor lives. They will have a phone conversation, then relay it back to you immediately afterwards. Even when you can hear it to start with.

'Hi is that Wilson's? Great, can I book 200 leaflets, A4, to be delivered by Tuesday? I can? Thanks, that's great'
*hangs up*
*sidles over on chair*
'I just phoned Wilson's. I've booked 200 leaflets, A4, to be delivered by Tuesday.'

Thanks. For. That.

I'm saving up for a shotgun. Not sure whether I will shoot them or me, but the pain will end either way.

Redknapp. Literally. AGAIN

2009-04-15T22:52:00.002+01:00

I will have to shoot him. apparently, tonight the ball "literally exploded off Ronaldo's boot."

Did it? DID IT? YOU STUPID FUCKING SHITE. His wittering, inane, badly-phrased bullshit continues to pollute our screens. you could see Souness tonight on Sky getting so pissed off with him interrupting that he stopped even trying to answer back, sank into his seat and counted to ten. He is so fucking dumb he even contributes himself. 'Ronaldo is different class, even though he has not had such a great season this year' at which point Ruud Gullit said 'It is crazy that people are saying it is a poor season, it is only because last season was so amazing for him. He is still top scorer in the Premier League and playing brilliantly, it is silly to say he is not having a good season'. To which Redknapp responded 'Yes, it's madness people saying he is not playing well when he has been fantastic this year, last season was amazing for him and he has been superb this year too' BUT IT WAS YOU THAT JUST SAID IT. JUST NOW I HEARD YOU, YOU FUCKING COCKMUNCHER. Just because he lacks the mental capacity to recall anythnig that happened more than 5 minutes ago, he assumes that the entire country is as thick as he is. I hope he gets AIDS and his face drops off. Live on television. And then it is eaten by a horse.

People that 'chillax'

2009-04-15T16:35:00.003+01:00

Because relaxing, or even the more modern variant of 'chilling out' (a hateful enough term in itself) isn't quite enough to demonstrate how achingly fucking cool you are, is it. You spiky haired, media-course-graduated, rose-drinking, Jamie Oliver-watching CUNTS. Updating your facebook status with 'chillaxing' is EVEN COOLER, because it makes it sound like you are probably listening to some really cool laid back band that the rest of us haven't discovered yet on your wireless iPod speakers (RRP: £300) while sipping wine on your fucking decking while looking out over your perfectly manicured lawn, probably waiting for some really cool mates to come round later and chillax with you while you eat houmous and pitta bread. When in actual fact you are probably laid on the sofa eating pizza and half-heartedly trying to knock one out over that Northern Irish bird off The One Show. It is a dismal attempt to hide the crushing dullness that is our spare time, and it can just fuck the fuck off. What did you do last night, Greg? Oh, just chillaxed at the pad with my missus. When in actual fact, you sat in the spare room playing Football Manager till 2 am while she read a book then went to bed.

At least I am honest about my downtime, and never pretend to chillax. I'm perfectly comfortable with admitting that I kill prostitutes in my spare time instead. Chillaxing CUNTS.

I got the job!

2008-12-23T10:52:00.001Z

Can't wait to tell my boss to shove it!

Hello Dan,

We have received and reviewed your resume. Your qualification is acceptable for Company Representative.

Vacancy: Administrative Assistant.

As our administrative assistant you will be working the average of 5-8 hours per week while earning an average of £800-£1600 per month. DS Trading Company has been in business since 2001, with the head office located in New York, US, and branches in Eastern Europe. We offer a variety of services to our clients, including - reselling and selling, providing auction services, and uniting sellers with administrative assistants worldwide to contribute to the productivity of the sales force.

Here are the frequently asked questions that will help you to understand better how our company works and what is the role of the administrative assistants and their responsibilities.

Who are the sellers?
All sellers have at least two years of experience in selling through major auctions such as Ebay, Qxl, and Amazon. All sellers have at least 98% positive feedback score, with at least 30 feedbacks. The sellers can be located anywhere in the world Paris, New York, Moscow, Vena, Sydney, Delhi, or any other location.

Where are the items sold?
Items are sold through top online websites such as Ebay, Amazon Auctions, Big Deals, QXL, and more.

What are the items sold?
Main items sold are: consumer electronics, jewelry, and collectibles.

What is the administrative assistant's role?
Administrative assistant's role is to unite the seller and the buyer by location.
For example, the seller is located in Paris, and wants to sell the item through UK auction site to a buyer within UK;
we will enhance the shopper's experience and increase sales by having a representative within that region of sales.

Your duties will include:
Monitoring of sales data in your region of the United Kingdom.
Receiving the clients payings.
Sorting outgoing/ingoing correspondence on request.
Provide necessary information to all the offices and vendors involved.

Is this position connected with selling or payment processes?
How the purchases notifications are sent?
The position of administrative assistant includes payments collecting and correspondence maintaining. The administrative assistant is not required to be a sales person. The buyer and seller manage the situation if the exchange is required. You will be informed by e-mail as soon as a deal is agreed, purchasing happens. The information will include buyer, purchase and pricing details. You will be working from your home office around your schedule.

Offered benefits.
We guarantee two vacations twice a year, two weeks each. While you are on vacation the compensation will be £800. You have to work for the company at least 3 months to take your first vacation. Special discounts on our items are available for our workers. We pay your taxes. We will send you an invoice declaring your income, you state the taxes and we pay the amount.

Will I be required to make any investments in the project?
How the salary is paid out?
You will not have to invest. All the organization fees are paid by the company. The salary varies between £800 and £1600. 10% of every transfer received from a customer is yours. If your month income is below £800 the company pays out the difference to you, sending it as a check or wire transfer.

Will wait for your answer!

And here is my answer

Hey, sweet cheeks. Thanks for the job offer. I'm very grateful and would like to take you up on it. I do have a few questions about the company though. As you can probably tell, I am an ambitious man. I'm not casting aspersions here, but I think some people are suited to be the administrative assistants of the world. Captains of industry like you and I, babe, are probably destined for greater things. And the best thing is that this sounds like a piece of piss way to make money. So what are my career progression opportunities? I mean, in all seriousness, I don't want to be fucking around at the bottom of the food chain for too long. I'm looking for an agreed promotion within the first six months to managerial level, and ideally a seat on the board within a year. I have a few hundred thousand dollars in a bank account that I am seriously looking to invest in a legitimate company just so's to kill the heat on a bit if you get my drift, and I think it could be a very interesting arrangement if I were to become a major investor in your business, don't you?

Anyway, that's all for the future. For now, let's talk logistics. Do I get a company car and mobile? An iPhone would be best, so I can check those auctions on the move, while I'd love a Mondeo as a set of wheels. Something I can really pimp and attract some quality bitches with. Also, business cards. I like business cards. When will they turn up? do you have a company logo? If not, I can draw you one for no extra charge.

Do let me know, I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Peace out, mo fo.

Dan

New year - new job?

2008-12-22T11:23:00.002Z

Got an email offering me the chance to earn big bucks doing fuck all. Guess they'll only need my bank details so they can start to pay me, huh? But I wonder just how competitive the selection process for this dream job is? See their email to me, and my response - complete with CV.

Hello,

International company is hiring! We are looking for for employees within the whole territory of the United Kingdom. We hire personnel at the age of 21 to 70 for rather easy work on processing of the incoming orders and performancing of simple management duties.

You don't have to be a professional or to have special training. We also don't require working experience in any field; all you need for this job are:

- Good communication skills.
- Ability to accurately follow the instructions on the solving the required tasks.
- Ready to work 5-8 hours per week.
- Ability to work with Word and Excel.
- E-mail and internet experience (minimal).

This job is ideal students, mothers, pensioners and people who are looking for the part-time job perfectly well.

All the candidates will be selected and checked on the competitive basis. To submit your application, please, send us your CV or profile to the following address:

e-mail: XXXXX

After resume approbation you'll receive detailed job information.

My answer (from my new alter-ego, Dan Humpage)

Dear Lisa,

Many thanks for your recent email regarding part-time work opportunities. Please find my CV attached. When can I start?

Warm regards,

Dan Humpage

Curriccullum Vetae – Dan Humpage
Personal statement
I am a highly motivated individual and recovering drug addict who is looking to rebuild his life following a very difficult period. My manic depression and tourrette’s syndrome mean that I am not well suited to working with other people or in a public facing role, as my mild psychosis has on occasion pushed me into regrettable physical conflict. However, I am ideally suited to working from home as it means I can mould my working hours around my propensity for self harm.

Education
The School of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies
1990-1997
GCSEs English Literature (E)
English Language (E)
Maths (E)
All other subjects (F)

Employment History

Chief Librarian, HMP Dorchester
This was a position I undertook during my most recent stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. My chief duties included putting books on the shelves, keeping a track of loans, and administering beatings for books returned overdue. I was asked to leave the post a month early due to a combination of my tourrette’s syndrome distracting library users, and a refusal to loan out a book about suicide because I didn’t think the bloke would bring it back.
Reason for leaving: Fired. Then released.

Receptionist, GP surgery
This public facing role saw me welcoming visitors to a GP surgery, booking appointments and keeping a track of their medical records. I really enjoyed this role, but my troubles with drugs meant that I found it a little too easy to help myself to the contents of the medical cupboard and my manic depression meant that I inadvertently talked two patients into suicide attempts. One of them had only come in with an ingrowing toenail. I was removed from the position against my will, and still harbour a grudge against the do-gooder that dobbed me in.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

Head chef, HMP Dartmoor
Another position I worked hard to get. I secured this position via interview, being selected ahead of a number of other candidates including ‘Slasher’ McGraw and ‘Arsenic’ Andrews (though to be fair, he was in for poisoning so you’d not really trust him in the kitchen, would you?). My job included the preparation of fresh meals for other guests.
Reason for leaving: Early parole

Teaching Assistant
Another role I really loved. I love children. REALLY love children. Turned out that was the problem. I was involved in all aspects of helping the teacher look after the class, who were aged 10-12. The class, not the teachers. Unfortunately, due to a lack of resources and insufficient training, I was frequently left to rely on my instinct and making the best of a bad situation. Matters came to a head when I was left in charge of a sex ed class and thought the kids may be interested in watching Transexual Horse Lover 3 together. I still have some of the letters written in by the parents. Shocking language, no wonder their children were so very, very naughty in bed.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

Gardener, HMP Parkhurst
This role required that I tend and maintain the gardens in and around an area of outstanding natural beauty. This was made more difficult as I was not permitted access to sharp instruments like shears due to the terms and conditions of some legal mumbo-jumbo.
Reason for leaving: Released

Entrepreneur, self-employed
Working for myself, this role required a great deal of self-motivation and organisation. I would import goods from Amsterdam, Colombia and Africa, then organise distribution through a network of similar, independent traders. I was also responsible for overseeing the accounting of the operation, managing a team of debt collectors and delivery boys.
Reason for leaving: Imprisonment

References are available on request.

Margarita - the woman of my dreams

2008-09-16T14:47:00.002+01:00

I'm lonely and still looking for that wife, now it would appear that my contract killer is bored of me. Maybe Margarita is that special someone?

Hello!

My name is Margarita! I am 29 years old.

I addressed in agency acquaintances. When I have specified, how I search for type of the man. Me have told to approach in 1 week. When I have again come to agency of acquaintances, to me have told yours email adress. I am a teacher and i like my work very much. I work with children and Now I have an opportunity to write to you I am an interesting, beautiful, kind and single young lady. I want to find my love, my half and want to marry him. I am looking for a man who will fall in love with me and I will fall in love with him. I have never been married but I dream about it. I am fond of children and I dream about a happy family with the beloved man. I am interested in music, cooking, reading, traveling and others. I know English very good and can easily speak!!

If you are interested in me please write me on my e-mail: vkusnyashka99@gmail.com

Please write me and I will send you my photos.

I wait for your letter very much.

Margarita.

My reply

Warmy runny greetings with a coating of phlegm, Margarita!

Me amazed to get email you from. Beautiful you are, such eyes! And two of them.

I am covered in my own happy juices that you have emailed me. It is not a surprise that you found me through an agency; I have been using agency girls for some time. Very discreet and always they will respond to suggestion. Like bringing coke. Or a street urchin that will not be missed.

You have such inner beauty that it makes my pancreas inflate with vigour. I long to hold you in my arms, so tight that there is no more breath in you. Like tiny sparrow until the wings stop beating then will be all mine in my pocket and no-one can take away not even carer.

I can see you know English good and speak easily. Me too, though I have a slight lisp and sometimes get my rs wrong. Also is good you like children. I love children too, I spend much time in children. It our secret.

I see you seek a man for marriage - what do you think is most important in husband? I seek many things in woman - must be kind of heart, noble of mind, quick of wit and fleet of foot. A lover, a friend, a mother, a companion. Also double jointed and blessed in the nork department. False teeth preferred.

I would be lovings to hear back from you, to see if we can meet and be as one some day as I am interested in a bride, and failing that a shufty at some more pics of you would not be a bad thing.

Love you in the face,

Mike

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Simon Platt

2008-07-30T11:37:00.002+01:00

Right, I had another 'hurry up and pay me' email, which I responded to with the following - but then I took things in a much more entertaining direction...

My latest email - which features the same blurred scan of the western union form

Sorry man, been on holiday for a few days, which is why you didn't hear back from me. Though of course you probably know that, what with the 24 hour observation and all that.

Look, I don;t know what else I can do. The money is with Western Union - i have attached a scan of it AGAIN. If you can;t view it properly, let me know what the technical specifications of the machine you are using are - and try looking at it on more than one computer. The information is all there for you in black and white - it is not my fault that the equipment you are using is not good enough to view it.

I cannot raise any further funds at present, because I have none - and you should know all about that, seeing as you took the money from outside my house the other week - if you don;t have it, one of your mens is laughing at you and ripping you off.

PLEASE email me back and let me know that the western union scan has worked.

Mike

However, he's not playing with me enough. So I've introduced a new character to the game. Meet Simon Platt, who has just emailed our chump with the following introduction. I do hope they hit it off, I have grand plans for Simon.

You do not know me, my friend, but I know you. Or a little of you, at least. My name is Simon Platt (not my real name, but that is all you need to know right now).

Two weeks ago, I picked up a bag from outside a house in Southampton. Inside was £2,000 in cash and printouts of a series of emails between you and a Mike O'Sullivan. I am now in possession of this money, and have been watching O'Sullivan for some time to see if I can get more money out of him. However, it is clear from the emails that you have sent him and his responses that he is scared of you, and I believe that if we work together, he can make us both very rich. I know your scam, my friend - you have no mens here, you are trying to extort money from him over the internet. However, he is too stupid to figure this out. However, I can help you, seeing as you already hold a strong fear over him. I can be your mens here. I can pass on specific information about him - where he goes, what car he drives, I know where he went on holiday last week with his family, for example. By giving you real facts about the man, I think we can scare him into some more money. The £2,000 I have here is mine, I think. But any more money we can get from the man, I propose we split. I can either collect it for you, or he can transfer to you.

We can work this scam on others in the UK - it suits my needs for now, but in return for helping make you a rich man, I may need somewhere to stay when I leave the country, if things get too hot - someone in Africa with contacts to set me up out there if I need to leave town. What do you think? Does my business proposition interest you?

I hope it does, and as a gesture of goodwill, I will give you a little bit of information up front. He went to Portugal on holiday with his family - and his suitcases are a matching set, all red. Tell him you know this and it is guaranteed to scare him even further. Try it and let me know how you get on.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Image still won't download

2008-07-30T11:35:00.000+01:00

Poor lad.

His latest mail
All that iam demanding from you now is the payment information you use in sending the money with the MTCN because the payment slip you send to me was not be able to download in computer and be very fast about it because there is know more time to delay

Oddly, the image 'won't download'

2008-07-30T11:31:00.002+01:00

I love the fact that he is now charging me £1,997 by the way - the amount I calculated $4,000 as being in sterling, Anyway, he got back in touch:

His email
Iam waiting to receive the payment information again because the payment slip you send to me was not be able to download so all i want you to do now is to send me the information you use in sending the money with the MTCN and be very fast about it because there is know more time to delay any more you know that the time that was giving to you ended yesterday so what ever that your are doing about this issus you have to be very fast
waiting to receive the payment information you use in sending the money
Name:CHIDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:£1,997
SendersName................
MTCN Refrence Number...........
paid through money gram or western union
Mr Nnaeke Olando

My response - with the same scan attached (scroll down to see it in the previous post if you've not seen it yet)

sorry, I have not been able to access my emails of late. Here is the scan again, from Western Union. I have rescanned it, and it works fine on my computer. If you are having problems downloading it, it must be something to do with your computer - are you using an internet cafe? If so, perhaps try going to a different cafe?

Mike

The money has been transferred to my killer

2008-07-30T11:26:00.003+01:00

Sorry for the delay in updates here, been busy - but will post a few things today to fill you all in. After telling him that his 'mens' had stolen all my money, we have enjoyed the following exchange which has ended up with me sending him a blurred copy of a money transfer form I found on the net.

his email
I just want you to understand that my mens are my mens and know one has the rigth to do something on his own accept i told him to do and remember that your time is comeing to an end if you did,not wants to comply with me know that all the necessary arrangement for the dead assignment has be made remember that i was sign to eliminate you within 10days along with your farmily without contacting you that someone you call your friend wants you dead and he provided all necessary information deeded about you to me and my
mens and because for you unability to understand i have know option now than to carry out the eliminate assignment i was sign to eliminate within 10days,for your own good i will advise you to my last warning to you to send the money without any founder delaying
waiting to receive the payment slip
the information you will use to send the money giving to you again
Name:CHIDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:£1,997
SendersName................
MTCN Refrence Number...........
pay through money gram now or western union
Mr Nnaeke Olando

my response
okay, I'm working on it - I have spoken to my parents and they are transferring some money to me now, I should be able to organise this tonight - I will email you with further details shortly. I do feel that your mens have already taken some money from you - be careful that they are not scamming you and playing you for a fool.

Mike

And then I followed it up with this
Here is a scan of the Western Union transfer - it should contain all the information you need to get the money.

Will you now please leave me alone?

My death moves nearer

2008-07-15T17:13:00.002+01:00

apparently he's been watching my wife and children. which came as a shock to me, as I am single and have no children. (eligible females excited by this revelation can contact me via the comments section...) I'm especially impressed that for the first time he appears to be listening to what I am saying, and is letting me choose between dollars and pounds for my payment. Anyway, his latest missive and my reply below it:

for you own good and your family iam giveing you from now till friday to make the payment of $4,000 usd or pounds and if by the friday that i did,not recieve the money i have know option then to eliminate your children and after i might have eliminate your children then i will eliminate your wife and you come last remember that i was sign to eliminate you within10 days and I have to do it since you did,not wants to comply with me , last warning my mens are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.
For your own good I will advise you not to go out once it is 7pm until you pay the money to my boys and as soon as he confirms the payment i will do the needful.forward the payment slip to me after sending the money $4,000 US dollars or pounds
the information you will use to send the money
Name:CHDOZI LATIMO
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:$4000dollars or pounds
Senders Name...................................
MTCN Refrence Number............................................
pay through money gram now and be fast about it
Mr Nnaeke Olando

My reply:

Okay, okay, I have the money - thanks for letting me choose which currency to pay in though! You might have to do some work in the future on your negotiating - 4,000 dollars or pounds is a bit of a no-brainer for me if I'm honest with you, as $4,000 equates to £1,997 while £4,000 equates to £4,000 almost exactly.

So I'll be going for the former, and no I don't want to gamble and go for the caravan.

Now, to the practicalities. As you know, I cannot use Money Gram, but your mens know where I live. I will leave the money outside my house tonight, in a black puma rucksack. On the outside of the bag is a detailed and labelled diagram of a woman's labia, to help you identify that you have the right bag quickly. If possible, can you leave the rucksack behind as I use it for my football kit; it has decent sized pockets that are ideal for getting shinpads into and I can;t seem to find another one like it. I also use it on my visits to Southbourne's world famous squirrel range as it is ideal for keeping hats, pens, twix bars, small Greek men and vibrators in - the squirrels love that kind of thing! I'll put it to the left (well, right as you look at it) by the bins.The money will be inside in non-sequential, non-denominational, English pound notes bearing the face of the Dalai Llama, which makes them harder to trace.

There is another, minor issue. you mention that your men have been watching me and are threatening my wife - if you've only been watching me a few days then you should probably know that the woman you have seen me with isn;t actually my wife. She is away at her mothers after we had a minor disagreement about her discovering my collection of art pamphlets and films - I've got some classic stuff dating back years and she doesn't appreciate them really.

Anyway, the woman you would have seen entering and leaving my flat is, how shall I put this, a 'friend'. I'm sure you are a man of the world and don't need me to explain much more than that, but the sensitive issue is that she is married to my best mate and it really would be best for all concerned if we kept her out of this, as I'm sure you'd agree. Though if you were watching us the other night through the lounge window, I'm sure you would agree that killing someone with tits like that would be a truly tragic loss of life.

Getting the rest of the money is going to be a tricky one, but I'm working on that one. I might be able to organise something via Western Union if that would be amenable to your good self?

Anyway, the money will be in the hold-all outside the house tonight. I hope that this signal of my grandest intentions will be enough for you to call off the hit.

Warmest regards,

your imminent target,

Mike

A cold-blooded killer writes...

2008-07-14T09:46:00.001+01:00

Jesus man, enough with the caps lock. Here's his latest replay:

WARNING AS IT MAY BE RIGHT NOW I AM IN TOWN WITH MY MENS FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT AS I TOLD YOU THAT SOMEONE YOU CALL YOU FRIEND PAID ME TO ELIMINATE YOU AND I HAVE TO DO THAT WITHIN 10DAYS AND AS IT IS RIGHT NOW I HAVE PROVIDED ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION NEEDED ABOUT YOU TO MY MENS FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT , FOR YOUR OWN GOOD I WILL ADVISE YOU TO COMPLY WITH ME IF YOU WANTS TO LIVE OR DIE AND FOR YOU INFORMATION IAM NOT ASKING YOU TO PAID THE MONEY AT ONES YOUR WILL FRIST PAID $4,000 THEN I WILL SEND THE TAPE OF THE PERSON THAT WANT YOU DEAD AND WHEN THE TAPE GETS TO YOU,YOU WILL PAY THE REMAINING $8,000. GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY YOUR RECIEVE THIS MAIL THERE IS KNOW TIME TO DELAY

And my reply to him:

Hi, thanks for your mail. Can I please ask a favour - stop using capital letters? I am a dyslexic, you see, and using capitals makes it rather inaccessible to me, it can take a while for me to decipher what it is you are saying.

Got a couple of problems at this end with your demands, but want to reassure you that I am very sincere in coming up with the money so please don't do anything rash - that would be great shame for all concerned I'm sure you'd agree.

Problem one, like I told you, is that I won;t be able to get the $4,000 to you too quickly as these things take some time. Also, I meant to ask this earlier - why do you want paying in dollars when I am in the UK? Will pounds be okay? And do you mean US dollars, or Ugandan dollars? I do have some vouchers that I could include in the deal if that will help us to reach the magic $4,000 mark. A friend of mine collects them - buy one get one free at loads of restaurants, tourist attractions and so on - you could take your entire hit squad to Thorpe Park for under a tenner, for example.

Problem two is that I am a born-again Rastafarian. This means I do not have a bank account. Or, indeed, ting. This would make transferring the money to you very difficult indeed - however, I would be happy to leave the money outside my house in a hold-all (you know where that is, of course) on a date convenient to you.

And one last thing I really need reassuring from you on. I can sense in your heart you are a good man - some hitmen are just misunderstood, I believe. So I beg of you, please don't hurt my children. They mean the world to me, and I've seen how these things work in the movies. If you think I'm not moving quick enough, you grab one of the kids and use them as leverage - so please, can we have a gentleman's agreement to keep the kids out of this? They are innocent of any crimes against Blockbuster Video, so they needn't suffer.

That said, I'm a realist, so if you're left with no alternative, I'd appreciate it if you could take the girl first. She's left-handed too, so if you have to send any fingers through the mail, use the right hand as it shouldn't affect her handwriting too badly.

Okay, that's it from me.

Best wishes,

Mike

The hitman replies. Twice.

2008-07-12T23:13:00.002+01:00

Oops, this scam relies on me appearing scared, so I mustn't forget to check my mails again. He's actually mailed me twice, and my reply to his second email is at the bottom. Needless to say, I've hardly slept over the past 48 hours from the sheer terror of it all. Apologies for the capitals, but I can't be arsed to retype it all and besides, I think only LOTS of capital letters can convey the gravity of the situation.

YOU WELL COME

AS IT MAY BE RIGHT NOW I AM IN TOWN WITH MY MEN FOR THE DATED ASSIGNMENT AS
PLAND SO ALL THAT IM DEMANDING FROM YOU AS I HAVE OPENED UP TO YOU IS JUST
$12000 DOLLARS AND YOU WILL BE FREE FROM THIS MESS BECAUSE I AM HERE TO
ELIMINATE YOU ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY.LISTEN AND LISTEN CAREFULLY,YOU WILL
FIRST OF ALL PAY $4000 DOLLARS TO THE NAME BELOW .TO AVOID ANY REGRETS JUST
ACT AS DIRECTED .....THEN PAY THE RESTAFTER THE FIRST PAYMENT.THEN I WILL
SEND TO YOU THE PICS AS PROMISE SO THAT YOU WILL KNOW WERE YOU PROBLEM IS
COMING FROM.FINALLY I HAVE A TAPE THAT WILL INTREST YOU SO MUCH .

PAY THE MONEY TO MY BOY AS SOON AS HE CONFIRMS THE PAYMENT I WILL DO THE
NEEDFULL.FORWARD THE PAYMENT SLIP TO ME AFTER SENDING THE MONEY .

Name:XXXXXXXXX
City:Cotonou
Country/Benin Republic
Amount:$4000dollars
Senders Name...................................
MTCN Refrence Number............................................

PAY THROUGH MONEY GRAM,RIGHT NOW AND BE FAST ABOUT IT.

Mr Nnaeke Olando

Then the second mail the next day:

This is to informed you that your life is going to end if you don't comply with me that i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do that within 10days Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you.If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment I have already being paid get back to me immediately your recieve this mail

And finally, my latest response:

Ooh, sorry about that, I've been busy.

I really am rather worried by all this, you know. I've been racking my brains trying to figure out what it could be that has prompted this threat on my life. Is it anything to do with that library fine? Or the video I sent back to Blockbusters without saying anything even though my machine chewed it up? I think it was The Goonies. I just respooled it and popped it through the letterbox, then ran like fury. Not been back since, but I didn't realise they would go to such extremes.

Also, I know I'm not supposed to be out after 7pm, but is it okay if I put the bin out in twenty minutes or so? I had haddock for dinner and it's really starting to hum in there, would be much happier if I could get rid if it and stick it in the outside bin.

Now, to the rather unsavoury topic of money. You want $12,000 if I understand correctly? I don't have that kind of money available immediately you know. Would it be possible to get a few days grace to scrape together the cash? I need to juggle a few credit card accounts around, sell one of my kidneys, perhaps get a paper round in the mornings. Or could I offer you payment in kind? I'm no hitman, but I am a qualified proof reader and marketer - I'm sure I could make your emails really stand out from the crowd and get your key selling points and call to action over quickly and efficiently, whilst helping you to develop a unique style and tone of voice that sets you apart from the rest of the market.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself here. What's the next step?

Yours in fear,

Mike

Spam death threats

2008-07-12T23:10:00.002+01:00

I mean, what the fuck is THAT all about? Marriage is one thing, but spamming me to tell me my card has been marked is a bit much. To be fair, this one actually made its way to a friend, but I figured the time has come to move on from Elena and enter into correspondence with another email buddy with a shaky grasp of english.

I've kept my first reply relatively straightforward to get the ball rolling and see if he responds.

-----Original Message-----
From: finalbullet point
Sent: 10 July 2008 19:29
Subject: SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.

SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.
I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don't comply, i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within10 days. Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told us that he wants you dead and he provided us your names, photograph and other necessary information we needed about you.

Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebody want you dead by all means.

Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be. Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $12,000 is all you need to spend.

You will first of all pay $4,000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $8,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now.

Warning: Do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because Iwill extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well. For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who wantyou dead then you can use it to take any legal action.

Good luck as I await your reply to this e-mail contact: (xxxxxxxx )

Mr Nnaeke Olando

MY RESPONSE
who is this? What do you want from me, and who has contacted you wanting this to happen to me? What should I do next - is it safe to go home tonight?

Elena's bank code request: my response

2008-05-17T17:24:00.002+01:00

As below, with big thanks to an un-named russian-speaking legend who will be helping me translate future efforts into russian if all goes well. Won't put your name on here in case things get ugly good sir, but you know who you are!

The russian bit in this email translates as "May they cut my dick into pieces and make coins of them." It's a 'would I tell a lie?' oath. ' Just so you all know. Anyway, here's where we are taking Elena for now - with the terrifying idea of me moving to russia instead...

Salutations Elena!

I am very sorry that I have been unable to respond to you for a little while. I have been very busy with many things, but please do not worry, my feelings for you grow stronger every day. As does my aftershave.

Did you enjoy barbequing your parents? It sounds like a really fun holiday, especially the banya. How often do russians have baths, traditionally? In my own tribute to your holiday, I ate a shish kebab on friday night myself, which made a nice change. I can see why you like them. Sometimes I like a badly-packed doner kebab too.

We don't celebrate the victory day in russia, but we do have some traditional english holidays. This week England has been celebrating the Battle of the Minge. It was a huge fight that took place in the 16th century between some disgruntled butchers and 10,000 men employed by the grand old Duke of York. It was up and down for a while, but the butchers eventually won in extra time.

This is a great shame that your friend cannot send money to russia! Why is this - I don;t quite understand what you mean? I would be happy to be the man in the middle - shall I give you my address so that your friend can post me me the cash - I will then put it into my account and transfer the funds to you? It would be fantastic if you can get your visa and come and see me. I want to shower your face with my love. And also other body parts.

I can;t wait to se you either - I feel you smell, your body, make the kissings of the french and generally get some SERIOUS lovin' on the go.

However, my beloved, it may be that we do not need to worry about your visa? I can work from anywhere in the world as I work inside a computer, so I can come and move to russia if you would be likings it? I have already began to learn russia and wanted to say something to you. I wish to communicate better with your tongue. So I am studying the beautiful Russian for the full flavour of your engorged lip flanges. Пусть мне хуй на пятаки порубают. That's what my Russian tutor suggested. How am I doing? He says you will be pleased with this statement - I hope that you are? Maybe best to write back in English for now though as I am only learning - but what do you think of my idea to come to russia and live with you there, instead of having you come to England and all this messing about with the money? Will save your mate a few quid too I reckon.

So, sweet stuff, you up for it or what?

I look forward to recieving an ejaculation from you soon!

May your flapsnot always be plentiful,

kisses,

Mikey Wikey
xxx

Elena: The money shot

2008-05-06T21:46:00.002+01:00

not that kind of money shot you dirty bastards.

At last, the request comes for my bank account number - her email asking for it is below. I haven;t responded yet because, thanks to the wonderful help of an ex-colleague, I am concocting something that will really rather put the shits up our beloved Elena. As you can see from her mail I won;t be getting a response for a little while, so there's not quite such a rush on, but I thought I'd give you all something to chuckle at while my dastardly plan is hatched. Keep checking back, as I am becoming a page impressions junkie and like the feeling of power. And trust me, you'll like what we'll be doing with the silly tart next. Apologies for length etc.

Hello my sweet Michael!!!!! I am so sorry that i did not write you
letters since the 1 of may. We have great hollidays now since the 1 of
may till the 10 of may. They are a day of workers and the 9 of may it
is a victory day. We have now only 2 days of and now i could write you
a letter. We with parents went on barbecue to the nearest forest and
on wednesday we will go to our family friends' summer residence for
some days for shish kebab and russian bath (BANYA). We will have great
time as the weather is wonderful. Do you celebrate such hollidays?
Sweety do not lose me. I will be able to write you obly on monday on
the 12of may. I will miss you very much. I miss you even now when i
write you this letter. I am so happy to get your letter again.I am
constantly thinking about you. Michael I have got a letter from my
girlfriend. Unfortunatelly she can not send money to Russia. It is so
sad. Her bank do not allow transfer money to Russia. I do not have my
own bank account. My friend can not send money by Western union or
Moneygramm either. She does not have cash. And now she is in France as
she wrote me. So it is a problem to send me money. I do not know that
to do. But i know that i want to come to you. Very much. And i do not
want to lose you. I am happy that i found you. I have been thinking
about all that for a long time. I can ask you for help. I know that
you can help our meeting. NO, i will not ask YOU for money. My friend
can transfer her money to the bank account in your country. My friend
write me that she can transfer money to your bank account. Do you have
bank account? She said that it will be easy to do. She can help us
this way. I hope you can help me too to come to you. My friend will
senf money to your bank account then. Michael you can get cash money
after my friend send her money to your bank account. You can send me
money through Western union or Moneygramm then. As soon as I get the
money I will go the tourist agency and pay for the trip to you. I will
take tickets at once. And i will come to you. I think we can do it
very fast. Michael I wrote to my friend that you are a good man and
that she can trust you. As I really trust you my sweety. You can write
her a letter.Her name is Anna. Her e-mail is :
xxxxxx She will wait for your letter. I will wait
your letter too. I will be happy to get good news from you. I want to
come to you. I am sure you want the same. I do not want to lose you. I
am sure that we can solve all problems together. We must be together i
am sure it is our destany. I told my girlfriend that I found you. That
you are a good man. And you are the best. I see it. I feel it. I told
her that I love you and want to be together with you in real life. My
friend told me that she is very happy for me and that even envy my a
little.I am happy that I found such a man like you. You are very kind,
good and tender man! It is very difficult to find a good man in out
time. I could not even think that you exist till the time I met you.
Many women look for a prince. And me, I found you. You are my prince.
I was about to lose hope to meet such a man like you. And I am very
happy that I met you. Woman can not live without love. Woman is made
for love and to be loved. I want to be given flowers. I want to hear
tender words. Woman is like flower. She dies without love like flower
dies without water. My loved Michael, it is great that we met each
other in the internet. It is great that we can talk on such a long
distance between us. But through the internet we can not feel
intonations of the voice, can not see the face. I want to look into
your eyes when I talk to you. Feel you smell. I think it is
important.I am sure that it is better to talk in real life sitting
close to each other. For me soul and thoughts are very important. I
want you to be next to me. I want to look into your eyes and kiss you.
I imagine that you want to kiss me. I can say that I am falling in
live with you. My sweet Michael i hope this will happen soon after our
meeting. We will be able to visit different places, or we will stay at
home and watch film or we will spent all our nights together doing
love. I love sex with beloved man. I like to do it often. But now i
can only dream about it. I am lonely and have long lonely evenings
now. I am sad that i have no close man with me who could give me a
kiss and embraces. My honey Michael you are my man I feel it. I open
to you my soul in letters. And i see that you are good man. I hope
that our dreams will come true. And soon we will be together.Kisses
and hungs. I will wait for you letter.

With love
Yours Elena

P.S. My pics were taken in my sity in its subburbs.Like it?

Elena gets 'em out for the lads

2008-05-01T16:16:00.003+01:00

Yes Elena, I'd love to accept a phone call from you sometime soon. Or, er, not. Still, gotta admire her persistence.

Hello my honey Michael!!!!! How are you? Thank you for your letter. It is very pleasant for me to read your letters. They make me happy. Michael I read them and think about you. It wouldl be wonderful to be together at this very moment and embrace you.It is sad that you are not with me now. I see you in my dream. Sweety nobody read your e-mail besides me. i just tell my parents about you. i cant understand what do you mean Unfertilised eggs??? Michael I wrote a letter to my girlfriend. I wrote that i want to arrive to th UK. I wrote that you are a good man. I want to come to you very much as soon as possible. I will wait for the answer of my friend. She will help me to come to the UK. She will write me how she will send me money. I will look forward for her letter. I will write you a letter as soon as i get her letter. My friend promised me a good job and a good selary if i want. We will not be in need of money.My friend can give you a job too if you want. She work in the sphere of computer security.

I want someone who will never leave my side.

I want someone who will say "I love you" and mean it.

I want someone who will watch a Friday night movie with me.

I want someone who will put me in a happy mood when I'm in a bad one.

I want someone who will hold me when I'm scared.

I want someone who will give me there jacket when I'm cold.

I want.........you

Sweety i really so happy that we met each other in the internet. I hope that it is our destany. I like to read your letters as i learn you better and better. I see that you are a good and kind man. I see that i can rely on you. It is very important for woman to feel safety to feel care and love. I am sure that love is the most important thing in the world. Kisses, embraces are very important too but they are more pleasant when all is based on love. I think that sex is important too. It is one more way to express feelings. I like to have sex really. I hope you too. But i do not want to write much about sex in the letters. I think it is more pleasant to do it) I will tell all i like in sex when we will be alone in the room with candels. Do you agree? When i think about you I smile. I recollect what you write me in your letters and it becomes warm inside me. I will wait for your next letter. I will wait for a letter from my friend. I hope what we will be able to see each other soon in real time. It would be great.

I love you
Your Elena

P.S. i want to hear your voice. and you? do you want to hear my voice? we can talk by the phone. i want to try to call you the other days. i have a phone but i cannot call by my own business as it was given to be at work. i also cannot make international calls. write me please you phone number. i will try to call you from my aunt.i hope i will not have any troubles with it. will you wait for my call? i am so it is excited when i think that i can talk to you honey.

Sweetikins!

Wonderful to hear from you. No, really.

I am not worryings over other peoplings reading my emailings, just interested, innit. I promise I not show your emailings to ANYONE else. This wonderful beautiful secret in the internet love is all of mine own!!

Forget about the unfertilised eggs bit. It's an english way of cooking them. Like over-easy. I'll explain it some other time.

Fantastic news about your friend. I would be very interested in a highly paid job in the field of computer security. It sound ideal. Will it not be a problem that I have no qualifications whatsoever in this rather niche area, or that you have trained as a bookkeeper? Your friend must be running quite a successful business to be able to afford to hire a pair of twunts like us.

Yeah, definitely right up for all that loving and coat sharing and movies and stuff. I see you like sex. This is good. I do think it is important that a man and a woman can get it on like rutting animals as and when the whim takes them. Even if it does mean getting thrown out of tesco's. Happened to me twice. Don’t be shy, tell me what you like and how you like it. And which orifices you want what in. I have a carrot I've been sharpening, actually. Might be handy.

Smashing photograph, would love to see more. Where was it taken? The skyline is particularly, um, striking. Only disappointings is the lack of nipplings. Go on - get involved. Ut your hands in the air like you just don't care.

I can’t talk on the phone at the moment, I do not have a mobile telelelephephone only my work number. And I'm on a final warning for masturbating in the office so best leave that for now, eh.

I might be visiting Europe soon actually! I have an uncle Josef in Austria, but he is in a bit of trouble at the moment. Something to do with not having planning permission for his cellar extension or something. Lots of people have rather overreacted, simply because he sublet to someone who wasn't on the electoral roll. Honestly, some people are such jobsworths. Anyway, he wants me to dispose of a few things, tie up a few loose ends. Can’t really go into detail really. Is it easy to buy cans of petrol on the continent, by the way? And shovels?

When will you hear back from your girlfriend about your visa? I am full of anticipation! Perhaps the three of us could hook up when you make it over. That would be wild!

Once again, happy ejaculating!

Mikey Wikey
Xxx

Elena dreams of me!

2008-04-30T11:01:00.003+01:00

How exciting. Another photo (possibly fittest one yet but still not quite doing it for me, love). Latest round of correspondance comes below!

Hello my honey Michael!!!!!!! Today i have a very good mood. How are you? Today i got up with thoughts about you. I saw you in my dream. You were in my dream for the first time. Thank you very much for the last letter. In the morning i prepared a salad made of fruits. It is my breakfast. During my breakfast i thought about you. What do you like more for brakfast? May be i will be able to cook breakfast for you in the future? I am thinking about you all day long today. I have got a letter from my girlfriend. She is happy that i found a good man in the internet. I told her some things about you and she thinks that you are a good man. She said that it will be cool if in the future we will be together. She helped me to make visa. She promised to help me to arrive to the UK. Now i will ask her for help to come to you. My friend will pay for me trip. She promised that she will send money for my trip and for life for the first time. I will not have any financial problems. I am very happy that i have such a good friend. Michael I can not understand what is going on with me. I have never thought that it is possible to find a good man in the internet. And i found you. What is it? What will be the next? I am so happy. All my friends ask my why i look so good, why smile so much. Thank you. Michael It is thank to you. It is you who makes me happy. It is magic that i met you in the internet. You are a very good man. I like to communicate with you. Your letters are so open to me. They help me to feel happy. You know i print you letters and keep with me. I read them again and again. I am always so happy to get your letters. I want to tell you about my town.It is very beautiful city, second after Moscow. There ara many parks here. I like the style of my town it has a lot of great buildings. It is great to walk here when the weather is fine. And to walk in the evening when it is calm. Do you like to walk on the street? What are you doing today? Work,rest, walk ? I want to know how is you day. Today before going to bed i will think about you. I hope to see you again in my dream. I wish you a calm day and i hope you will see me too in your dream. May be we will see the same dream. I dream to see you in real life.

i kiss you
Yours Elena

To my sweetest snugglebunny Elena,

I am so pleased that you dream of me! I dream of you also! In my dream, we were walking along top of cliff near my house holding hands and whispering sweet nothings to each other in the sunshine. It was very romantic. Then you turn into giant eagle with head of a weasel and fly off into the sun, and my dead granddad turned up eating a mint feast and talking about going for a pint with Mick Jagger. Then his arms dropped off and he turned into a robot. That bit of dream weird. Must stop drinking gin before bed. Anyway, bit with you in was good. I hope tonight I will dream of sexytimes with you, this make me very happy and wake up with bed in shape of tent.

For breakfast, I like a light snack of bacon, fried eggs, scrambled eggs, sausage, fried bread, black pudding, muchrooms, toast, fried tomatoes, chips and beans. Sadly this make me fat, so I don’t have the beans any more. Also means less smell on bus. I would like very much for you to be cooking me breakfast one day. How do you like your eggs? Unfertilised I hope.

I have many pleasings that your friends and family think I am a good man. Have any of them actually read my emails?

I feel so lucky to meet you in internet. Many horror stories about people who make scam on internet and fool people and man think he is talking to lovely girl from russia or thailand but really it bearded trucker from Wisconsin who only want sort code details so he can steal your monies. I am so lucky to meet real lovely Elena like you with photographs for to prove reality. And such sexy photographs too, you are having the beauty of my favourite English supermodel. Her name anne widdicombe and she have many great beauties and big jubblies as well. Do you have any in lingerie? Or any form of rubber-based uniform? With or without animals and other women, I'm not fussed.

Your city sounds wonderful, I would like to visit. I too enjoy streetwalking and I am sure that if I visited your most prestigious city, I would be making many lovings to the walkers of the street. I would love to visit your beautiful city one day, and see where it is that you live. Perhaps see where you work, where you go school, especially see where you learn english. I will try and earn full refund upon your behalfings.

Today I am doing the workings in the office. It is hard for me to concentrate because I have your picturings on my desk and I like to think of my love for you, but there is total babe sittings near to me and I confuse my thinkings sometimes between her and you and it make me feel wibbly.

Please, my dear, call me Mikey Wikey Woo Woos in your emailings! Only my mummy call me Michael and it make me feel strange.

My sweetest dearest Elena I cannot wait to hold you in my arms, feeling you through the fabric of your undies and trying to control my stiffy. I hope that today is another calm day for you and that my ejaculation has once again filled you with warmth.

Kind regards,

Mikey Wikey Woo woos

Russian bride: still not twigged

2008-04-29T10:52:00.002+01:00

Excellent news, had a new picture and everything. It would seem that the fact I appear to have beaten an ex girlfriend to death, had sex with a dog and spend last weekend in a gay gang bang are still not enough to distract the beautiful elena.

Here's her latest (longest yet!) email and my response. Thanks for sticking with me on this exciting journey.

Hello my Michael!!!! Iam very happy to get your mail. how are you today? How is your mood? Today i have a good mood. I like very much to get your letters. With each letter we will become closer to each other. I will learn you better. It is a great pleasure for me to talk to you. It seems to me that we know each other for a long time.Excuse me if i do not write you letters very offten. Mostly i write from the puplic library. Michael I do not like to go to the internet cafe. There are many peolpe there and very noisy. And here in the library is very calm and i pay less money here. Hey i see that you had nice
weekend)) Yes i like to go out and i like to dance. Il dance to calm music at the dicso. Here in Russia at the disco dj very seldom play slow music and i dance. I have told my mommy and daddy about you. Michael my mum said that she is happy that i met you in the internet and that we write letters to each other. Just like my girlfriend with here future husband. My mommy think that you are a good man. My father said that he will be happy to meet you in the future. My parents are happy that i have met you. I also write to my girlfrind that i met you in the internet. i also have my visa for the UK open. My girlfriend said that she will be happy to see me soon in the UK. She said that she will be happy if i met a good man. I can arrive to you at any time. I want to know more about you. I will tell you more about me. We can plan my future arrival. I am lonely. My hart is waiting for love. All women want love. All women want to be loved. Men also want to be loved. My girlfriend will pay for my trip. It is not difficult for them. My girlfriend is like my sister. I was married for 2 years. But later i devorced. My ex-man betrayed me. He had relations with another woman. iIcould not forgive him. Clear and true relations are important for me. Love must be for all life. I can not understand russian men. They walk, drink much vodka and love many women. They do not see in women beloved women. Michael I want to tell you what i like and what i dislike. I like open people. I hate lie. I do not believe that it is posible to built love on a lie. I am sure that only truth can support real relations. I don't like when it is nor clear at home. I like to come after work to my clear home. It is the best rest for me. Aslo i don't like laisy people. I always can find task for myself. I like to clean and to cook. It is very nice to make home causy. I like to meet guests. I like when my friends come to me and we have good time together. They say in russia "When all is good in you home when all is good in your soul".Michael I think that soul of a person is very important. I like when i feel comfortable inside myself. I like to read beforo going to sleep. I like to read love stories. It is so romantic. I like to fall in the message of the book. It helps to forget about other problems in casual life. It helps to dream about love forever. Sometimes i cry or laugh with the main heros of the book. Tell me what do you usually do at your free time? Do you like to go to the cinema? What is your favourite film? I like dramas and advantages. Films about love and life. my favourite film is "Pretty Woman" with julia roberts and richard Geer. I hope you learn more about me. We will become more close to each other. I will wait for your letter. Michael I will try to write you letter tomorrow.

Michael I wish you good day.

I kiss you, yours Elena

Warmest and most heartfelt greetings Elena!

The Russian army of love is marching on my heart, my defences are down, I have already eaten the livestock, pestilence runs rife in the city, food supplies are low, and it is only a matter of time before I surrender to the love army!

I am likings the writings and the comings togetherings of our closenesses. Your picture on the pool table is very nice - do you like playing with balls? I enjoy many games with balls. I like many old English games, I have great belief in old tradition. I mainly play a game called Fookmiass. It is an ancient English tradition that dates back to the 12th century, and is a mixture of skiing, bear-baiting, tractor racing and poker.

I am very pleased that your parents are happy that we find each other in the internet. I have not told my parents yet as it is difficult to get letters to them in maximum security and visiting is difficulty for me. They had some problems so are in special safe place for now for protection of publics. And childrens. But they are full of lovings on frequent basis and I will tell them soon about our meetings on the internet. It not same through plastic grille though.

I am unbelievings of your foolish husband! It is clear from pictures that you are prettiest woman in all of St Petersburg - he is a crazy man in the head if he discharge his single-barrel pump-action yoghurt gun into face of another woman! You have much prettiness in the face and also of the body and if you like to clean and cook as well then I do not see problem of ex husband. Also if you are likng the lovings in the bedroom like a good wife, then this make you perfect. Certainly if I had lady like you, my purple headed muck-chucker would be only for you and I no need special relations with other women. Unless you like this kind of thing if you are present, but that not major issue for now we discuss this later when less sober.

I like very much this eloquent Russian saying of which you speak and am agreeing vigorously with this. I also think it important that we both feel very comfortable inside yourself.

In my spare time, when I not play fookmiass, I like many things. I like to go to the cinema and enjoy many films. Pretty Woman is good film, I like many films about streetwalkers. I like period dramas, like Porky's and Top Gun.

My favourite film is probably Full Metal Jacket. In this riveting look at military life during the Vietnam conflict, Stanley Kubrick, who made the powerful antiwar classics PATHS OF GLORY (WWI) and DR. STRANGELOVE (the Cold War), once again explores the behavior of men in battle. FULL METAL JACKET (1987), adapted from Gustav Hasford's novel THE SHORT TIMERS, is broken down into two very different parts. The first half of the film focuses on the training of a squad of Marine grunts on Parris Island, and more specifically on the troubled relationship between the brutal drill sergeant (a frightening Lee Ermey) and an oafish misfit (a brilliant Vincent D'Onofrio) who just happens to be a sharpshooter. The second half takes the grunts to Hue City, where the climactic battle of the 1968 Tet Offensive--and the turning point of the Vietnam War--took place.

Also I like Finding Nemo.

Elena, I am liking very much your correspondings and await your next missive with bated breath. I think you are very beautiful and would love to see more of you. Mainly thigh but I'll take what I can get at this stage.

Also, Elena, please may you now call me by my nickname? In england, Michael is very formal even though it my official name, my friends all call me Mikey Wikey and this I like to be called - may you please call me by this in future emailings? I want to feel closer to you because I wish to penetrate your initmate circle and become a friend and perhaps even more.

Once again, I hope you enjoyed my ejaculation - I know I did!

Mikey Wikey

XXX

Russian bride responds again!

2008-04-28T13:22:00.003+01:00

I can;t fecking believe she didn;t get the last one as being a pisstake, but she has written back. Her old email address is no longer working (wonder why...) and now I am writing to a different one. I've deliberately played down my latest response a little cos I want to see how many emails in I get asked for my account code details. And whether I can talk her into any nudie photographs, which is the main thing I'm sure you'll agree.

Anyway, latest correspondance below. Peace out.

Hello Michael!!!!!! I am so sorry that i didnt write you for some time. I had problems with my e-mail. It doesnt work anymore. Please write me you letters to my new e-mail XXXXXXXX I have only just got your letter. Please resebd me letters that you wrote me. Now i have not much time to write you. promise to answer as soon as i get your letter.

Yours Elena

Bountiful greetings Elena!

I am having the delightings with your respondings to my emailings! I had the fear that you had already found the man of your dreams elsewhere on the internet, perhaps ebay - or mebbes even at home in russian motherland.

I do not have a copy of my old letter, as I forgot to take a photocopy of the screen before sending it. However, I am sure we can pick up where we left off as the depth of our feelings may continue to grow with each passing day.

Did you have a good weekend? I went clubbing with my homies, hung out with some bad-assed bitches, did some dark shit with some evil mofos - best ask no questions, keep it on the low though yeah baby? Danced like nobody was watching - I'm serious as cancer when I say that rhythm is a dancer. I chilled on Thursday.

Do you go out much? Where do you dance to the calm music? I went to a very strange place on Saturday night, everyone was wearing leather and there was live felching on the main stage. The atmosphere was very good though, everyone was really gay and smiling. I felt a little foolish at first as I did not have a moustache like most of the others but they warmed to me very quickly and made me feel at home. Some nice men even bought me drinks all night, but I must have had too many as I woke up face down on a poof in a strange house with some loss of memory and a lot of stiffness. Still, I'm seeing them again next week.

Are you still looking for husband then? Any luck? I am pleasing if you are still looking, for I am feeling bondage between us could be an option.

I look forward to hearing back from you soon, and hope you are pleased with this latest ejaculation

Many hugs and happy kisses,

Your friend,

Michael

xxx

russian bride search: update

2008-04-24T10:46:00.004+01:00

She wrote back! It could be love! And with a picture! She is HOT. And in no way a bearded trucker called Petr after a qucik buck from a gullible foreigner.

Here's her email to me, and my response below it...

Hello Michael!!!!! How are you? Thank you very much for your letter. I am very happy to get you letter. I am very happy you ansered me. I am glat we start relations. I was very happy to see your letter in my computer. Now i have time to write you letter. I will be happy to met you one day. I am simple russian woman. I have no love man. I want only love and happyness. Michael I want have serious relations. I want me and my man be happy together. A man will love me and i will make him happy. The most happy in the world. I will be the best woman for him. Russian women respect their men. My mother bring me up like that too. I could also see how my mother loved and respected my father. And i can say for sure that my man will be the most happy in the world with me. I want me and my man built our love and happiness together. Probobly you area a man of my dream? I can arrive to the Great Britain at any time. I have a visa. And i have a contract with tour agency. I can take tickets at any time. My girlfriend helped me to make visa. oh, it was not easy. I had to collect different documents. And now eveything is ready so i can come to the Great Britain when i want. May be you can meet me? We will learn us better in letters. But i think that we sould not hurry. We have time to know us better, more interesting things of our lifes. And soon after that we will see that relations we will be able to have. My girlfriend can help me with money for my trip to the Great Britain. She can also give me good und well payed job if i want. Her husband has a business in Germany and England. I have an education as a bookkeeper. She told me that it is time for me to change my life. And you know i has thought of desire that i want to find a good man for me. May be it will come true. My friend has found her husband in internet . they are very happy together. My girlfriend lives in the suburb of LondonMichael I will write her that i met a man in the internet. I will write her that i am very happy that i met a good man. I want you to write more about you in every letter. Michael I want tell you about me. I want you to know me good.

-My birthday is 15 .09. 79(29 years)
-My hight is 165sm, my wigth is 51kg
-I live in Sankt-Petersburg. and where do you live?
-I have no children. and you?
-My favourite color is blue
-I like music mostly romantic music
-I like animals
-I likу to read books about love
-I like to go to the cinema
-I don't smoke and i don't drink
-i like to dance to the calm music
-I like to cook
-I like clearness
-I like sex with my beloves man( sex is very important for man and woman. I think that love and sex must be always together. iI am a shy woman. I didn't have many men. but i do all for my man. I am ready to give me all to my lover, all my tenter and care. I am reay for all just to see my man be happy with me.) -I just like to be happy I tell you more about myself. my work is 7 km long from my home. i go there by bus. I am a bookeeper in the design firm. I work from 8.30 till 14.30 o'clock or from 14.30 till 20.30 o'clock. My collective at work is mostly female. After my work i go home and have supper. I like and can cook well. I like to go to the gim. I like fitness. I go there 2 times a week. Sometimes i take my girlsfriends with me. I like to be in fit. It s a great pleasure for me to do sport. When i was a little girl i do figure gimnastics. Because of that i am in good form. I have slime body. I think that it helps me to have good health. What is your hobby? I like to cook supper in the evening. I do best of all Halo-halo. Then desert goes. Fruits with broken ice with sweets and milk. I can cook dishes of spain, mexico and russian kitchen. Michael may be you will be test my musterpieces. I like to cook for my man specialy. What kind of realtions are you looking for? What kind of woman? Michael I hope you have the same ames like me. There are many people in the internet. Many people here just for fun. They forget about love. I look for clear and true relations for all my life. Ihope you understand me. I want to know more about you. You are very very interesting man. I want to know about a man i look for. I want him to understand me. I want my love man helps me. Michael you know appearence is not so important. I want to have a defenter. Ineed protection. I am a woman. Sorry but i have to go now. I will wait for youк letter. Will you find time to write me? Every letter makes me happy. Michael I will be very happy.

I kiss you (just as a friend this time)))
Yours Elena

Salutations Elena!

I was so excited to find you in my computer that I sneezed! I was happy to get you letter too and am glad we have started relations, I miss the lady being in my life. There is the loneliness and the sadness and the washing up and the house gets messy and no-one ever replaces the toilet rolls in the bathroom.

I am pleased that you are simple woman. I tend to find this works best. Not too many questions that way.

I too love animals but this not always looked on favouritably by woman in England so I am pleased that you are the happy one with animal love in your heart. One of my old girlfriends kick me out of house for making too much love with the dog more than her!! I was very sad as she had many good qualites and was good lover and very loyal. I miss girlfriend also.

I am interested very in your job as bookkeeper. Where do you keep them? Does your job have computer to help or is it mainly hand jobs?

It is lovely old news that your friend can help you move to United Kingdom. Suburb of London not far from Bournemouth, if you visitate then we could meet up for tenpin bowling and chicken in a basket. I have a voucher! But no lady to whom to treat with it, so it would be nice if you can come. It expires July 2009 so not for some time! If not then no matter we could do other things, I like to do many things like go to train stations and other sites of archtectural interest (bus stops) and also I photograph many different styles of litter bin. Also streetwalking and running. Some time ago I was asked to run marathon race! I said no but was told it for disabled children, so I take part because I think I probably win. I not win. No-one in race disabled! Turned out it for charity! I was very tired but raise £13.65 for charity of broken children with the gammy leg and the dribblings.

I am pleased that russian lady show respect to husband - this good, and important for strong relations. One girlfriend I have in past show no respect. I show her so often how to do things that she run out of bits to bruise, but still no good. She sometimes not do what is right and good and would be good for us. Is not wrong or dirty, they do it in greece all time and I see on telly and still she no let me ride the pork train to chocolate town. She very bad girl and in end we no happy. She dead now. Sad.

You sound lovely though. Am sure no problem like this with you! Cooking sound fun, I am good cooking too. I like the Pot Noodle and chicken in animal shapes. Also Like lesbian food.

You ask many questions in your letter sop I answer now here

I am 5 foot 1 and I am 78 stonne. I not know europe speak for this, sorry. But I look normal and healthy!
I have birthday every year I like very much the blowing on my birthday. Also of the candles.
I am colour blind. My favourite colour is red. But it might be green. I not sure.
I have no children. In england sometimes you must prove this in court of law, even if baby is black!
I like many romantic music, like Prodigy, Korn and also the Deaf Leopards
I like books of love and also sometimes the sexings! I like book with big picture as tend to find gets me there quicker.
I like the cinema too. My favourite films is the big hollywood blockbuster with the muscly men and the big bangings.
I drink in moderation. I smoke only after sex - about 20 a day! Ha ha this old english joke by comedy legend bruce forsyth. I no smoke really. I like bruce forsyth. Is he in russia? I wish he was.
I like to dance too to the calm music. I also like Low-Fi, Dirty Funk, Deep Funk and Afro Beat. Also Enya.
I like to cook like I say before and also like cleanness I think important to avoid warts and smell.

I also like the sex with my belovedest lady. Think it important to submit to demands regular like. This may be as I am from north of country.I fear maybe I ruin for you normal man and would like very much for you to make me happy one day with your slime body. That sounds like fun. I am pleased you like a man who will be defender for you. Normally I in goal but for you I always be defender. Best at full-back or on right side of centre, but not too good in air at the headings so might need a bigger man to operate in there alongside me. Perhaps in John Terry mould.

Anyway I must go now due to crippling movements in the bowels. I kiss you too as a friend for now but if given the opportunity would linger on your lips just a moment longer than last time, an unspoken understanding transmitting between us as our eyes lock, the smell of your sweet breath so alive within me, the hint, the promise that this may prove the beginning of something beautiful, the beginning of so much more than a friendship. As our gazes part, we would both become aware of our hearts hammering ever harder in our chests, sensing, perhaps knowing, that one day they would beat as one.

And then I kiss other cheek.

I would like very much to hear from you once more - your picture was beautiful and have stuck it to my wall using god's own glue.

With love,

Michael

Emails that try to take advantage of the vulnerable. Or stupid.

2008-04-24T01:12:00.003+01:00

I got a spam email today, that is clearly trying to lure me in to part with my account code details. It is from a Russian woman looking for love apparent.y My hairy fucking arsehole she is. I've written back though. Here's her email to me, and mine to her. Enjoy. Replies will be posted here; let's just see how much of this silly twunt's time I can waste...

Hi My friend!,
I saw yours account and e-mail on a site of acquaintances. I have remembered this site Dating. I have thought and made up my mind to write a letter to you. I am looking for a good man. Probably it is impossible, but I look for love in the Internet.
I ask you to understood me. I think that may be you and I can create big and fair relations. I wanna get acquainted with you closer. I wish to arrive to the United Kingdom soon.

Some words about me. I am a Russian woman. My motherland is Russia. My city is StPetersburg. I hope you do not think about Russian women badly. I know that many bad people create bad impression of Russian women. I want to say at once that I shall not ask you for money. I wish to find love only. And probably big happiness.
Why do I search for the man in your country? My best girlfriend lives in the United Kingdom. She has married English man. They are very happy together. Such happens!
My girlfriend advised me to search for the man in Great Britain United Kingdom. She is assured that I can find a good man. I agree. Everything is possible in our world! I am sure that I can find a good and fair man in the UK.

I can arrive to the UK at any time. As soon as I want. I have a visa and the sanction to entry to the UK. I can arrive to Great Britain at any time. My girlfriend will give me money for my trip in the UK. She will pay my trip and charges. We are friends for a very long time. We always helped each other. And my girlfriend wishes to help me to arrive to the UK. I can arrive to the man who will want to create love with me. May be it is you?
My girlfriend explained to me, that I should not worry about money. She can provide me with all. Also in the future she can give me good work with the big salary. If I wish to stay in United Kingdom. And if I find a good man.

I want true and serious relations. I do not understand and I do not want to play games. I shall be happy to learn you as better as it is possible and i am ready to start to create serious relations. We can try only for the beginning. We can try to create love and happiness. I think that there are no distances and barrier for love. Only people make miracles. May be me and you will create a miracle which will be called LOVE. Do you agree with me?
I shall be glad to arrive to UK and create big feelings with you. I trust in love and in good people. I think that you are a good person.

I will wait for your answer. I will tell you about myself as it is possible more in detail in the following letters. Write to me. Your letter will do me the happiest woman. I shall wait for your letter. Promise to answer.
I wrote you this letter from common e-mail in the Internet-cafe. Write me the answer to my personal e-mail.

It is my personal e-mail:
XXXXXX (removed so none of you buggers fucks it up for me - this is love, after all)

I wait for your answer. I hope that you understand me. I want the only thing. To be happy!!!

Yours friend Elena.

Dearest Elena,

Many thanks for your wonderful emailings of today. I do not know which dating site you saw me on, as I belong to many, but I have yet to find the person with whom I can undertake serious relations. some of the internet sites I have used have been very poor at finding people who want serious attitudes from their loved ones, and just want to do naughty instead of talking and enjoying the company of the other like you seem to want to do.

I too have looked for love in the internet, but google returns many matches and it is tough to know where to begin. Just so you know, the worst websites I found for love were www.fuckbuddies.com, www.ticklemytitsandcallmebrenda.co.uk and www.girlswholikealsationlove.net - they are full of bad people and a wonderful lady like you should avoid them. They are mainly full of adult doings that does not look like love to me.

What is St Petersberg like? I see that is where you live. I live in Bournemouth. It is a lovely English town that was invented in 1976 by accident, but it is lots of fun. There are pubs and nightclubs and even a bouncy castle in the summer. I like it here a lot, the only thing that saddens my heavy heart and makes me weary is that I cannot find the woman of my dreams here. Perhaps it could be you?

Where does your friend live? I hope it is nearby, because then perhaps we could meet each other when you have visitations to this island. Or can you only come when you have found your husband? Your girlfriend sounds very nice, if she will give you a good job and pay for your ticket and charges. What is going on there exactly, all above board I hope? I have had burnings of my fingers before in such matters of lady love.

I like very much your promisations of big feelings and I am glad that you think I am a good people. I hope this letter makes you do the happiest woman, as you requested, though I am not sure how good a thing this would be.

It would make me most happiest man in Bournemouth (apart from Gordon) if you will reply to this email for I too yearn for the right lady in my life. I have many needs for her - I wish to show her love, happiness and respect. Also some ironing that has built up of late. Perhaps you could send me a picture of you and some more talkings of yourself? I would be happy to send you phtographings of me as well if you would like this.

Yours friend,

Michael

My own intestines

2008-02-21T11:05:00.002Z

You bastards. You utter, utter bastards.

I am on holiday from work at the moment, but agreed to go in this morning for a meeting with some external clients. This was a bit of a clash with a lads night out last night, watching trollops in walkabout, but I'm the kind of guy that can do that kind of thing.

Only I'm not.

As soon as I sat down for this meeting, every inch of my asshole was screaming that it needed to release a build-up of noxious gas that had been busy accumulating overnight from the guinness/snakebite/kebab fiasco that was my evening.

I started to sweat and strain. I couldn't concentrate on what anyone was saying, I was concentrating too hard on containing the trouser shout that was desperate to be heard. Eventually, I managed to shuffle sideways and using muscles I never knew I had, I managed to release the fart without making a sound. I settled back into my chair feeling pleased with myself, and ready to continue the meeting.

Then the smell hit. MY GOD. The smell. It was an anal holocaust, and everybody knew it was me. The last five minutes of the meeting were wrapped up in record time as everyone tried not to gag, and no-one dared point out that it was clearly me who had done the crime.

And to top it all off, after the meeting, my boss said 'Thanks for coming in on your day off. But you really smell.'

Job done.

People who use Tesco Express to do the weekly big shop

2008-01-02T19:11:00.000Z

Look you fucking great big pile of minge, I have popped in to buy a bag of sugar/bottle of wine/sandwich/some other equally small item of shopping. Whatever I am purchasing, you can bet your fat ass that I am either in a rush to get back somewhere, or I am double parked on yellow lines outside. In either case I have no fucking desire to stand behind you for three hours while you unload approximately 9 baskets of convenience food and crisps you slovenly, lazy, useless fat failure. Asda is for the big shop, and is but yards away. Now get out the fucking way before I take it in turns with the rest of the queue to hold you down while the poor cow behind the checkout kicks you in the twat.

Mobileworld phones

2007-12-22T13:08:00.000Z

"Your credit limit is low. You can top up your credit by calling our hotline, or visiting our website."

Thanks for the text to remind me that I need to top up my phone, Mobileworld. DID YOU HAVE TO SEND IT AT FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE CUNTING MORNING THOUGH?

wankers.

My iPod and it's 'alarm' function

2007-11-27T15:59:00.000Z

You cunty little sleek bit of arty farty design. Having left my mobile in the office last night, I was bereft of a morning alarm and, finishing an Xbox 360 session at 2.30am, realised an 8am start was not going to happen without one. Now, admittedly I had polished off a bottle of wine so might not have been thinking as clearly as normally, but I remembered my iPod has a clock on it. lovely news, thinks I. I'll set the alarm on that bad boy, which I duly did before falling asleep.

However, the alarm on an iPod is only going to work IF YOU SLEEP WITH THE FUCKING EARPHONES IN. Otherwise, you will hear fuck all and wake up at five to nine in a total panic and looking like shit. Brilliant. Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant. Still, it did have a cheery little message on the screen telling me I had missed my alarm. Fucking smashing.

Me

2007-11-18T19:16:00.000Z

Updaye your fucking blog more often you fucking cunt. Call yourself angry? Fucking twat.

Facebook

2007-09-15T14:43:00.000+01:00

Okay, I've moaned about it before and yes, I am on it and yes, I do use it to keep in touch with people. I've tracked down old mates and all the rest of it.

However:
I do not want to be a pirate.
I do not want to be a ninja.
I do not want to do a movie quiz.
I do not want to take a compatibility test.
I do not want to tickle anyone.
I do not want to play poker.
I do not want to play blackjack.
I do not want to send fish to your aquarium.
I do not want to stroke someone's pet.
I do not want to give someone a gift.

I DO want to use it to see what my mates are up to. Now fuck off and let me get on with it.

Bournemouth town centre promotions/charity/godbothering cunts

2007-09-14T14:15:00.000+01:00

FUCK THE FUCK OFF!
I've just walked through the centre of Bournemouth in my lunchbreak - what should be a relatively straightforward exercise. Only it isn't, is it?

No, I don't want a flyer advertising your comedy club. No thanks, I'm not interested in donating to Save The Children. It's okay, I don;t want to buy a Big Issue. No, it's okay, I don't want a flier about a new club night at Dusk Till Dawn. Sorry, I'm not interested in a leaflet about scientology. No, excuse me, I don't want to hear you talking about how God saved us all either. No, I don't want a subway sub for lunch, I've already eaten thanks. No, fuck off Greenpeace I don't want to give you my credit card details to save the world either. And no, I don;t want a new mobile phone contract either.

FUCK OFF YOU BUNCH OF FUCKING CUNTS. GET A PROPER FUCKING JOB AND STOP BOTHERING ME WITH YOUR SHITTY FUCKING LEAFLETS.

I'm off to leave the telly on overnight just to piss off the tree-hugging cunt from Greenpeace who wouldn;t take no for an answer.

Fucking Redknapp. Again.

2007-09-03T16:55:00.000+01:00

UNBE-COCKING-LIEVABLE

The man's love-hate relationship with theord 'literally' continues apace. On Sunday's coverage of Arsenal v Portsmouth, he misused the word in spectacular fashion. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the following sterling example of how not to use the word 'literally'. If you can envisage this scenariou actually happening in literal terms, your brain will probably explode.

'Fabregas is like Paul Scholes. He sees pictures inside his head and then literally paints them on a football pitch'

No. He. Doesn't.

Jamie fucking redknapp

2007-08-13T13:52:00.000+01:00

How the hell is this retarded cunt allowed on the telly? Which dickhead Sky TV exec thought that a career on the physio table during which he managed to achieve the sum total of absolutely fuck all made him perfect to be inflicting his ill-informed, terribly-worded opinions on the nation's football fans? WHAT A CUNT.
It's bad enough that he interrupts people who know far fuckng more than him ALL THE TIME. It's bad enough that he seems to be on every single match that Sky show. But what's much worse is the fact that he is about as literate and educated as a carrier bag full of festering cow shit.

He also insists on using the word 'literally' all the time. When he clearly doesn't mean 'literally'. One great recent example of this was in the charity shield: 'He's literally left his man for dead there'. NO HE HASN'T YOU STUPID FUCKING COCKFART OF A MAN.

however, this weekend he slightly ruined the pleasure I took in my beloved sunderland scoring a last-minute winner against Spurs by saying 'Time literally stood still for Chopra there.'

Go back to fucking your stupid vacuous wife and leave football alone, you silly little cunt. Or I will literally kill you.

People who ask 'what's your poison' in a pub when ordering a round

2007-08-10T17:08:00.000+01:00

Just fuck the fuck off. You are NOT cool, you are NOT having a great time, you are stood in a wanky town centre pub with colleagues you clearly do not want to be with. Stop trying to sound crazy and like you go out all the time because the entire world can see that you just a massive cunt who never gets invited out with interesting people and instead says things like 'what's your poison?'. And I bet you drive a cunts car, have a small penis, no real friends, and work in sales.

Mobile Fucking World top-up phone line

2007-08-09T11:49:00.000+01:00

You useless bag of festering cunt.

Trying to add £10 to your mobile phone top-up should not be this hard you time-wasting motherfuckers. YOU HAVE MY BANK DETAILS ON RECORD. I SWHOULD NOT HAVE TO RE-ENTER ALL OF THEM EVERY FRICKING TIME.
Press 1 to top-up by debit card
Press 1 if the number you want to top up is the one you are calling from
Enter the 16 digit card number
Press 1 if this is correct
Enter your 3 digit security code on the back of the card
Press 1 if this is correct
Enter your four digit expiry date
Press 1 if this is correct
How much do you wish to top up - 10, 20, 30, 40 or 50
Press 1 if this is correct

AND IF YOU PRESS THE WRONG BUTTON RIGHT AT THE CUNTING END OF PROCEEDINGS:

All of our operators are busy. Please call back during office hours.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH A 'press hash key to go back to the previous stage' YOU AWKWARD CUNTS?
I pressed the wrong button because I'm drunk and I can't now call for a taxi until I've wasted another ten minutes of my life listening to that prozac-pumped bint telling me to enter my fucking security code. And now I've wet myself. Thanks.

Whichever hairdresser in Bournemouth keeps letting blokes have a mullet with blonde highlights

2007-08-01T11:13:00.000+01:00

Who the fuck are you? And, more importantly, where the fuck are you, as I have a molotov cocktail with the name of your fucking shopfront on it.
What the bollocks is going on with the men of this shitty town? I was in Bliss last night (random night out, cheep beer) and went for a piss. In Bliss, the highly intelligent lay-out chaps have ensured you have to cross the dancefloor to make it to the bogs. This meant I came into close contact with a whole HEAP of chavvy cunts. At least, I think there was lots of them. It could have been one blokemoving around very quickly BECAUSE THEY ALL LOOKED THE SAME.
I couldn't give a fuck about what people do to their hair. I've never been a big one for bothering meself with my personal appearance, and others can do what they want - I'm not normally one to judge. But what kind of a sad world do we live in when everyone wants to look the fucking same? Especially when they all want to look like utter twats?
Last night in Bliss was wall-to-wall, inbred, bad-toothed, buck-ugly, spotty, mentally inept FUCKNUCKLES posturing and posing in front of women reeking of false tan. If you're going to have one of those haircuts that makes people look at you twice, then for god's sake you'd better not have a face that looks like your mother set you on fire and then beat it out with a shovel. No-one told these boys that.
Bunch of cunting retarded cunts that want to look like other retarded cunts. How are the women supposed to choose when you all look the same? Or do they fill in scorecards on the lustre and thickness of the mullet? My favourite new addition to the look is that weird sideparting type thing at the fringe, where it all sweeps over in one direction, making you look like EVEN MORE of a cunt. And it looks complicated to do, too - the only smell stronger than that of piss and Hai Karate on that dancefloor was the smell of hairspray.
So, cunty hairdressers of Bournemouth, next time someone asks for one of those haircuts, give them a nice sensible side parting, leave the hair dye where it is, and tell them to fuck the fuck off.

McDonald's Staff at Asda, Bournemouth

2007-07-30T21:44:00.000+01:00

You fucking lazy, moronic, pathetic, inbred cunts.
I know it's not exactly cutting edge comedy to point out how shit McDonald's staff are, but this lot really do deserve a mention for their services to fuckwittery.
I know that working in McDs is a pretty shit job - hard graft for crap money - but I am a firm believer that how you do the shit jobs is a great reflection on what you are like as a person and a professional, and an indication of how you will fare in any walk of life. Based on this philosophy, the current incumbents of the branch of McDonalds located in Asda, Bournemouth are destined for a good 40-odd year career of dribbling on their own piss-sodden genitals while picking peanuts out of their poo. You surly, stupid burger-flipping cunts.
I don't expect silver service. I don't even expect reasonable food. I expect shitty McDonalds, but when you've got up early and you've got a coach to catch, you sometimes have to undergo the kind of misery that only a McDonald's breakfast can force you to endure. SO IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGED WHEN I APPROACH THE COUNTER. AT SOME POINT IN THE FIRST TEN FUCKING MINUTES. You fucking fucks.
Standing there with a slack-jawed thousand-yard stare while shuffling around gathering the various components of a McDonald's breakfast, they failed to smile, say hello, or generally display any kind of interest or enthusiasm for their customers. Now I hate all that fake 'have a nice day' crap as much as anyone else, but I'm talking the basics of human interaction here. Failure to make eye contact, communicating in monosyllabic grunts (literally, I'm not exaggerating this for effect) and just generaly doing the shittest job possible is a fine indication that you dumb motherfuckers have found your true calling, and can look forward to a lifetime of being shit at doing shit jobs.
Friday was a very special day. Friday saw the team leader working there - that's right, standing shoulder to shoulder with his workforce, showing them how it's done, working right at the front line of customer service. Or, as it happens, demonstrating an ability to drool on his own shirt coupled with an ability to forward plan bettered only by the bloke who thought that two rubber dinghies and a set of waterwings would suffice as lifesaving equipment aboard the Titanic.
This bloke was biblical. If you put a committee together and charged them with inventing the perfect moron, they'd come back with this man. Actually wandered round with his mouth open the whole time (SUCH a good look) and cooked every meal TO FUCKING ORDER. ITS A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT YOU CUNT. Queues formed. Oddly, of people who wanted to buy McDonald's most popular breakfast meals. It wasn't hard to figure out. Even better, he didn't take the next order until the first order had been fulfilled - whereupon he would often find the person wanted some, or all, of the same things as the first person. Having dispatched poor Olaf to cook in the kitchen (who wandered off with his knuckles scraping the floor; I'm sure that's unhygenic) our hero then stared into space and waited till the meal turned up before taking the next order.
He'd be great in a proper restaurant. 'Oh, sorry sir, I can't take your order until the other 26 tables have had their meals cooked. In order. I'll swing past your table again on Tuesday.'
What a shame you can't supersize their fucking IQ.

My ringtone/iPod combo

2007-07-25T23:10:00.000+01:00

No-one to blame for this fiasco but myself really. We take the piss out of a female friend for sounding a bit like Orville when she gets over-excited so, pissed up the other night, we recorded 'I wish I could Fly' off the internet. A couple of days ago I set it as my ringtone. I'm fucking hilarious me.

EXCEPT I'M NOT

I was wandering around Asda this evening doing some shopping with my iPod playing. I became aware of a vibrating in my coat and after a good 20-30 seconds of scrabbling around, I located the source of the problem - my phone was ringing. Removing the iPod headphones, I realised it was on top volume, and a good two thirds of the way through 'I wish I could fly' by Keith Harris and Orville. Every shopper within earshot was looking at me like I was a complete and utter twat. I thought it was on vibrate only :-(

My cock-biting toilet

2007-07-23T23:38:00.000+01:00

I HATE MY TOILET SEAT
Just now, after finishing a sit down I moved forward off the seat and the vicious son-of-a-bitch slammed down on the trailing meat and two veg to bring me to my FUCKING KNEES. I wouldnm't mind if I was hung like Yul Bryner in a rollneck sweater, and I've actually tried a slow-mo replay of the incident since but cannot figure out exactly how it happened logistically. BUT IT HURTS. The old fella has an angry mark and me plums are the size of satsumas. Not a happy chappy.

Mind you, given the crimes against humanity I've sent t'other way in recent times, I suppose some kind of fightback was inevitable

The inhabitants of Bournemouth on a Saturday night

2007-07-23T13:41:00.001+01:00

Jesus H Christ. I don't normally venture out on a saturday night, and now I remember why. What the fuck happened to having fun on a night out, people? By about 2.30am, the town was full of people unable to stand or talk, being sick on each other, fighting with each other, shouting at each other, or stealing each other's taxis. Am I getting old? Yes. But I never acted like such a total cunt when I was in my early 20s.

The place is basically an intelligence bypass. Chavs who have clearly spent a lot of money to look very cheap/just like everyone else strut and posture all night, basically scrapping over some of the ugliest women in Christendom.

Bournemouth on a Saturday - Fuck Right Off. I'm staying in and playing Pictionary from now on.

Carrier bags that pretend to be plastic but are in fact paper

2007-07-20T16:25:00.000+01:00

Yes, 'Office' shoe people, I'm looking at you. Tonight, I'm going round a friend's for a quiet night in (because we got twatted earlier in the week, randomly, on a tuesday and figured we should save money tonight to make it up.) So, there's four of us. Wine. In a house. I figured - bit of pictionary.

I'm nearly 30 and can't afford a coke habit, okay? It's the closest I can get to fun while staying in.

So, I'm coming into work today and bringing the game with me. I pop it into the office bag, where it fits snug as a bug in a rug. Lovely, thinks I.

Exit house, it's pissing down. So leg it to bus stop. Only I can't get under the shelter properly while waiting for the bus BECAUSE OF THE FOREIGN CUNTING STUDENTS THERE. But I won't go on about that, I'm turning into Bernard Manning and need some new material anyway.

So, the bus arrives, on I get. It's a double decker too - a victory for the little man if you see the post below. I pay. I take three rain-sodden steps into the vehicle, at which point the paper-disguised-as-something-sturdier bag burst open. Pictionarium ensues. Bits of the game everywhere. Am scrabbling around after dice, counters, and most embarrassingly of all old pictionary drawings which had somehow been put back in the box. Almost all of which involved penises.

Fucking great. Now the occupants of the 1c know I am such a rocking bloke, I play pictionary on fridays. Interestingly, if the bus driver reads this blog, they will be able to identify me as the writer of the letter they received earlier this week. Fortunately, he clearly could not read, let alone work a computer.

Phew.

Incidentally, the post below drew a response:

We do not respond to puerile, abusive emails'

I replied pointing out that they had just done exactly that. I think this may mark the end of the correspondance.

Yellow fucking buses

2007-07-18T23:24:00.000+01:00

You all know how much I hate buses, although I have to use them as I don't have a car :-(

Here is a transcript of an email sent this morning to Yellow Buses, who operate the line I use to get to and from work. Sometimes, ranting on a blog ain't enough. You gotta go direct, innit.

Dear Morons,

which part of 'rush hour' do you not understand? Having had the misery of enduring a number of your services running between 8 and 9am from Southbourne, I would like to place on record my displeasure at having to share my personal space with a-the public in general and b-loads of sweaty grumpy miserable people with their heads in each other's armpits because your ingenious forward planning department somehow neglected to put a big enough fricking bus on the route. You're the people that I see legging it round Asda at 9.30pm on December 24, amazed that Christmas has crept up on you again, aren't you?

Admittedly, I have made some new friends thanks to your service - to be honest, I have been more intimate with people on that bus than I have been with most of my ex-girlfriends - but it is becoming slightly tiresome. It is only a matter of time before one of us becomes pregnant, dead, or worse.

To aid you, I have come up with an invention all of my own, and have attached a basic prototype sketch of it to this email. I am calling it the 'double decker bus'. It is like a normal bus, but with an extra layer (or 'deck', if you will) added to the top. You may notice in my picture I have drawn people with SMILEY FACES and also added in some EMPTY SPACE. Please forgive me if this is an over-use of artistic license, but hey - it's my drawing and I want to live a little.

Anyway, I have to go now - I've just discovered that the small mexican man who gets on in Boscombe is still in the pocket of my suit and I need to make sure that he gets to work okay, which is more than you twunts can be bothered to do.

Hugs and kisses,

Mikey

Seethrough plastic bra straps

2007-07-17T16:09:00.000+01:00

Girls - we can see them, you know? Do you really think we can't? You MUST know that we can see them when you couple them with an off-the-shoulder number, so what is the point of them? Wear a strapless one, you look like less of a chav.

What certainly does NOT happen is that you flounce around the pub while us blokes all marvel at the fact that you are clearly not wearing a bra, only for a stray beam of light to catch the shiny surface, betraying the secret that your breasts DO NOT defy gravity.

girls. Officially idiots.

My National Express Coach. Yesterday

2007-07-16T16:03:00.000+01:00

Dear God,

I am very very sorry for my earlier rant at foreign students on buses, published elsewhere on this blog. I never expected you to read it, but realise that you must have done, because you punished me by forcing me to sit on a National Express coach from London to Bournemouth yesterday with APPROXIMATELY FIFTY OF THE NOISY CUNTS.

I was particularly happy at the french TWAT sat next to me playing his PSfuckingP all the way through the journey, involving a game where a siren could be heard constantly. Not too bad through headphones, but no - the little surrender monkey had the volume fucking blaring out.

The obligatory 'got together on our foreign school trip couple' were sat in front of me too, copping off sloppily for the entire journey. Not so bad if they weren't such terrible kissers - I thought the first three rows of seats on the coach would have to be painted blue as occupants might get wet. It must have been like french kissing a washing machine.

Some were russian, and one of them had bought a digital camera, and spent the whole journey photographing his mates, then showing them the phtograph. In Russia, this is the funniest thing a person can to, apart from setting fire to a bear. My, how they laughed.

Everywhere I turned, there was something causing the anger within me to seethe. I was well chuffed with the fact that one twat spent 80% of the journey on the stairs to the toilet, chatting up some absolute hound who had clearly sat as far away from him as possible - get the fricking hint, fella. His precarious position meant that he slammed into the back of my seat with every turn and change of speed, which was a really welcome experience. The only highlight came when we took a bend a bit quick for him, and he fell backwards down the stairs with a squeal, accidentally slamming the panic button in the bog so the coach driver had to stop. Even this delicious moment was spoiled for me by the cackling of his international chums though.

Anyway, God, I promise to be more understanding of inbred foreign cunts with no idea of how to behave in a socially acceptable fashion from now on.

Oh wait, no I won't. You bearded cunt.

Google Fucking Ad Sense

2007-07-11T15:18:00.000+01:00

For not letting me try and make my millions by hosting advertising here due to 'inappropriate language'. Bunch of cunts.

Bullshit limited edition food and drink

2007-07-10T14:08:00.000+01:00

What the fuck is all that about? Limited edition Coca Cola with orange? Why is it limited edition you fucknuts? Is there any point in getting involved if you're going to stop selling it shortly? Or does it heighten the value? Should I buy fuckloads and wait till you stop manufacturing it, then get it on eBay? Will I make millions?

Fucking doubt it. Now fuck off and go about making me some Cherry Coke Zero because I like it but I'm a fat cunt. And I don't drink diet coke because I'm a real man. Wayne Rooney drinks Coke Zero, so that's okay.

Kimberly cocking Clark toilet roll dispensers

2007-07-09T09:34:00.000+01:00

Which absolute FUCKNUGGET at Kimberley Clark has decided that the way forward for toilet roll dispensation is those single-sheet things?

I do not do dainty poos. I therefore require SUFFICIENT TOILET ROLL QUANTITIES TO WIPE MY FUCKNG BOTTOM YOU MORONS. Giving me loo roll one sheet at a time means that not only do I run the risk of RSI from sitting there for thirty minutes accumulating enough material for a preliminary wipe, but also ensures that I use approximately nine times my body weight in loo roll. And we're supposed to be saving the planet, aren't we?

Presumably, Kimberly Clark HQ and factories will also be fitted with these dispensers, so heaven only knows what kind of torrid state the bottoms of the nation's Kimberly Clark workforce is in.

The upshot of all this is that I was forced to endure a deeply distressign poo at a Beefeater somewhere between Brighton and Bournemouth. I will be writing to Kimberley Clark to appreciate my dissatisfaction at the fact it took me a good fifteen minutes of wiping to get rid of all the men in the rigging. However, in keeping with their company policy, I will post them the letter ONE WORD AT A FUCKING TIME FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS.

Shit-wiping mother fuckers.

Groups of foreign students on my cunting bus

2007-07-05T22:14:00.001+01:00

Now, this isn't a rant at foreigners in general. I am not a xenophobic chap and welcome all manner of people to our fabulous isle, because they make it what it is. (Some of my friends are black et cetera et fucking cetera). However, anyone who gets the 1c or 1b from Soutbourne will feel this one.

YOU CUNTS

IF you HAVE to get public transport, PLEASE observe some of the simple fucking rules. If there are 368 of you getting on at once, for fuck's sake investigate alternative modes of travel. Because you do it every morning, and it is probably cheaper to hire a limo, head through Boscombe, pick up a whore and some smack, and arrive at your English Language for Waiters course having chucked your muck twice on the journey.

Also, I appreciate that you are not English. I appreciate that English is not your first language. However, when you get THE SAME BUS to the SAME PLACE and you do so EVERY DAY then perhaps it is time to STOP GETTING ON THE CUNTING BUS WITH A MAP, POINTING LAMELY AT A LOCATION AND THEN ASKING THE PERSON BEHIND YOU IF THEY CAN TRANSLATE. 'Errrr, Buscooombey?' Every single day. Whenever I go on holiday, I manage by day two to repeat the phrases I heard on day one. Such as 'large beer', 'where is the clinic?' and 'I'm terribly sorry sir, your daughter looked a lot older than twelve in disco lighting.'

Along the same lines is the cost. When standing in the (12 mile long) queue, why not utilise your time waiting for the bus by getting your change ready. The cost of this journey will be the same as it has been for the previous 220 days that you have made it. Take a wild guess and gamble on getting the change together, instead of trying to impress that monobrowed bint with the braces by showing her your new bandana. It is SO MUCH CUNTING QUICKER than getting on, trying to pay with a fifty pound note, looking upset, getting your debit card out, pointing at a map, then letting your mate behind you pay because he understands the money.

The beauty of it is that after the feckless twunts swarm upstairs en masse, they unpack their 'English as a Foreign Language' books. I want to kill them all in the face.

Sweet and shitting Sour Sauce

2007-07-05T22:11:00.000+01:00

Because the fucking gippo in me always keeps it when I get a takeway.

Ooh, I know - I'll put that in the fridge. For next time. When once again I will get a portion of this unidentifiable sauce that is 178,000% more than I use. Which means I will then have TWO in the fridge.

I never seem to throw the stuff out. I just found four 90% full cartons of it in my firdge. One of them had an IQ of 34.

Facebook

2007-07-03T23:55:00.000+01:00

All I've heard for months is 'are you on Facebook?' 'Get yourself on Facebook!' 'How come you're not on Facebook yet?' Today I gave in and signed up. What a bag of minge. First, apparently I can't live in Bournemouth. I have to live in Portsmouth or Bristol. Twont. I do not live in Portsmouth. I live in Bournemouth. Apparently, the 'social networking of the future' doesn't have the fucking ability to contemplate this remarkable possibility. So now I am a member of a 'Portsmouth network' despite never having even fucking been there. Bullshit.

Second, the thing asks for FAR too much fucking information. If I pull, and the missus is on Facebook, I can add her so the whole world knows. Then, when things go wrong (as they inevitably will when she checks my internet favourites or finds the bits of the prostitute I couldn't flush away) you can all tell exactly when I added the fact that things were 'complicated' and then when the final nail is hammered into the coffin, when I am single again. Fucking marvellous. 'Oh look - he fucked this one up even quicker than the last one. Three days! Silly cunt!'

Third, if I want to stay in touch with you, I'll probably make the effort. The number of people fawning all over each other on there is sickening. 'Oh babe I missed you so much when you moved to Brighton'. THEY HAVE TELEPHONES IN BRIGHTON TOO. you obviously weren't that fucking bothered were you?

Fourth, the cunting thing kept telling me it had sent a confirmation to my email address which never turned up. Stop lying.

Fifth (I'm going to stop counting now, this might be quite a long post, go and get a cuppa if I were you) is the fact that it won't verify me because my mobile phone doesn't allow verification. It looks real enough to me, but the joyuos upshot of this is that I have to strain my eyes trying to read some twisted combination of letters and numbers every time I do anything on the fucking site. Its a miracle I haven't had at least four epileptic fits so far. And is that an O or a 0? WHY EVEN USE THEM BOTH IN THAT SCENARIO YOU STUPID RETARDED CUNT OF A WEBSITE?

Is the world REALLY that bothered about what I'm doing at the weekend? even my mum couldn't give a shit, so the chance to tell the world I will be selling my remaining furniture before injecting crack into my eyeballs seems a tad wasted.

And I can poke people. Exept I presume it doesn't ACTUALLY hunt them down and send some numpty from Facebook HQ to burst into their office and poke them. I can also do all manner of other things (hug, kiss, drop kick, dance) but again - what's the difference? Surely it just sends them a message? Can I finger a stranger? That might make it worthwhile.

It's an unwieldy, badly programmed, poorly thought-out bag of shit that I have signed up to so I can write on the walls of people who sit in my own fucking office. I mean, this sort of freinds reunited thing is kinda understandable, but people are using it to communicate with people that THEY CAN JUST FUCKING EMAIL. It's that god-awful 'look at me, I'm in the cool gang, see all my friends, look how beautiful they all are' mentality that makes me sooooo fucking annoyed.

And lastly, there was a story that broke today about a tramp in Bournemouth who has his own fan club or community or whatever it is on the site. He wanders around the town (I've seen the guy loads of times) and is a friendly old sort, often posing for photos with people and he has got this remarkable ability to get the time right without wearing a watch. Though the fact he doesn;t have a house suggests its not actually all that useful a talent, to be fair.

Anyway, some totally fucking brilliantly cool and witty student has put a fan club on there, and it now has over 5,000 members. Well done people.How fucking cool you all are. Well done you. Let's laugh at the bloke, let's show HOW FUCKING SUPERIOR we are, lets be totally fucking hilarious by doing this. But lets not actually have the bollocks to admit this; oh no. Lets pretend that we do it because we care, not because our shithole lives have left us without enough personality for us to qualify as interesting in our own right. Instead, let's share photographs of us dressed in top shops finest clothes on our cunty hen nights posing with the bloke, about whom we know nothing and care less. Let's bask in the reflected post-modern irony of the fact that the bloke doesn't have a computer.

Now, the fact is that the guy will do okay out of this - people will give him a few more quid etc, and he has become something of a celebrity. But if any one of you cunts pretends that's why your fucking well doing it then I will hunt you down and shit in your fucking mouth. you're laughing at the bloke and I hope all your children grow up to have small cocks. Even the girls. His group (it's Gordon the Tramp, by the way) has 5,700 members when I checked just now. Tell you what. If you all think he's that much of a legend, who don;t you all give him a tenner? Might help him out a bit, eh, and you wouldn't all feel like such cunts deep down inside. Motherfuckers.

Oh, and for the record, next time I see him I probably will say hi, like i often do. I don't need some cunty website to make me feel hilarious for doing so. Fuck you, facebook.

Hyundai Q321 remote con-fucking-trol

2007-07-02T22:52:00.000+01:00

I've fucking had it with you you multi-buttoned little shit. Having forked out the GDP of Africa in order to buy a telly big enough to be visible from space (don't write in if yours is bigger, I will only hunt you down and kick your children) I EXPECT THE REMOTE CONTROL TO FUCKING WORK. ALL THE TIME. Not just on those rare moments when the planets align in just the right manner to cause total equilibrium in the air between the remote control and the telly.

The red light blinks away impotently on the remote, telling me SOMETHING is happening, but does it actually have ANY effect on the telly itself? Does it bollocks. It's no good having buttons I don't even UNDERSTAND if you won't even change bastard channel. Picture in picture? ANY KIND OF FUCKING PICTURE WOULD BE A START. The fact that sometimes you hijack the Virgin box is even more terrifying/annoying, especially as that remote control is also a bit dodgy. Fuck knows what is going on when I press your buttons becausae the telly isn';t responding at all. Some old dear at the end of the street might find her mobility buggy doing wheelspins in the dining room for all I know, or perhaps you're firing up the woman next door's love eggs - I don't know and I don't cocking well care. I WANT TO WATCH SKY SPORTS WITHOUT GETTING OUT OF MY SEAT. IT'S NOT MUCH TO ASK.

And why the fucking hell don't you have a mute button, you cunt? Not that it would work anyway, admittedly, but when my mum phones and I don't want her to hear the lesbian porno I've been whacking off to for the previous hour, it would be VERY FUCKING NICE OF YOU to let me turn the sound off instantly, instead of having to frantically thumb through the volume control when I've already got the phone in one hand and a tissue in the other. The fading sound is confusing as well, it sounds like someone having an orgasm in a passing car.

Hyundai should stick to cars, but they're shit at them too. Had one on holiday once, a Hyundai Fuckwit or something it was called. Couldn't do hills, but was no less effective at changing channels on my telly than one of their cunty remote controls.

Sodding bus drivers

2007-07-02T19:33:00.000+01:00

Why are you so fucking miserable when people want to get on your bus? You get paid not a bad wage (18k in Bournemouth) to drive like a total cunt because no-one dare crash into you for fear of death. The purpose of your job is to get people from A to B, so when they ask you to halt your imperious progress through Southbourne long enough to get on your bus, LOOK A BIT FUCKING HAPPIER ABOUT IT.

If you were the bloke today on the 1C at 8.40ish through Southbourne with a face like a bag of smashed twats, kindly tender your resignation immediately. Not only did you scowl at people for getting on, you actually played chicken with people trying to stop you by driving towards their stop so fast that you can only have been assuming they wouldn't DARE put their arm out for fear of losing it. Well, news just in, cuntbag - slamming on the brakes so hard that those of us on the upstairs deck were actually weightless for 15.4 seconds doesn't help anyone either.

Ironic though, given the speed at which you hoon around the town, that you find time to stop and chat with your chavvy bus-driving mates through the window WHEREVER YOU HAPPEN TO MEET THEM.

And while I'm on the subject, just because you spend all day looking at your hands/forearms while you contemplate exactly where your life went so wrong does NOT make it a good idea to decorate them with as much Elizabeth Duke bling/ homemade tattooing as possible. It makes you look like an even bigger cunt that the fact there is an old woman at the back of your bus who has been trying to get off since 1985 but hasn't made it close enough to the front before you wheelspin away from the stop like Lewis Hamilton, projecting the poor osteoperosis-riddled cow back into her seat at the rear.

The only bus driver exempt from this rant is the fit young blonde one who hails from somewhere in Eastern Europe, who sometimes does the 1c or the 4a/b on saturdays. I like her, and would do her in the following order of preference

Face, bum, minge.

Me

2007-06-28T16:36:00.001+01:00

For being a forgetful twat and not buying a wedding present for my mates' wedding on Saturday, then logging onto Debenhams website (which takes longer to load than it would do to train a monkey to mime the wedding list to you) only to discover there are only three things left, and they start at £60.

Vouchers it is. Sorry guys :-(

This fucking website

2007-06-28T16:36:00.000+01:00

WHEN I TELL YOU TO REMEMBER ME, FUCKING REMEMBER ME.

Otherwise I have to sign in my details every cocking time. I've only uploaded five things and it's pissing me off already.

Twat.

Tim Fucking Henman

2007-06-26T11:18:00.001+01:00

What an annoying twat. Partly because every time Wimbledon comes around I find myself wanting him to win the damned thing, but mainly because he always seems to do just enough to convince you that he is going to do just that, before fucking it up royally. He's the tennis equivalent of a tart in a nightclub who grinds her arse on yer knob all night before fucking off with her massive boyfriend. Who then takes you out the back for a shoeing.

Let's look at the evidence. His name is Timmy. YOU CAN'T BE A NATIONAL FIGURE OF SPORTING HOPE AND PRIDE IF YOU SOUND LIKE A TEDDY BEAR. Also, he is nicknamed Tiger Tim, purely because his name begins with a T. You could not wish to meet anyone less tiger-like. EVER. That fucking pathetic little fist pump he does when he wins a big point (normally it's when he gives himself a match point, usually followed by him twatting his next shot into the next postcode) is NOT tiger like. Neither is having a bird called Lucy, who tennis commentators constantly refer to as an English Rose. This is presumably because they haven't seen a woman since 1987, and looking at photographs of Eastern European girls' mimsies on the internet doesn't count. She looks like a sparrow, and has eyes like a killer.

Last night Henman encapsulated everything that I hate about him. Looking dead and buried, he fought all the way back to have four match points, fucked them all up, ensured the game ended at 5-5 in the fifth set and my bath was cold when I got in.

Middle class cunt.

My cocking Xbox 360/Forza 2

2007-06-25T12:32:00.000+01:00

Because it broke last night. Twice. First I was pissing about trying to alter the screen resolution as I have a big HD TV (yeah, I'm a showoff) and I set it to too high a resolution so I just got a message saying 'Unsupported'. Problem was, I spazzed out when I had the chance to reset the thing, so confirmed I wanted that resolution. There then followed about 20 minutes of trying to navigate the menus by sound alone, eventually managing the technological equivalent of a monkey at a keyboard producing the works of shakespeare, and fluking my way back to the resolution screen and changing it back successfully.

Only now Forza 2 crashes when I start a race. And the Xbox is now incapable of getting an IP address for some fucking reason.

I hate technology. I only wanted to drive a car round a fucking track for a bit :(

Janet Cunting Street Porter

2007-06-25T09:22:00.000+01:00

Bought the Independant on Sunday yesterday as there was quite a fit bird on the checkout in Somerfield and I didn't want her to know I'd rather read the News of the World.

The cupboard-faced bint has penned an article about two Northern Irish lads who made a suicide pact in an internet chatroom, met up and drowned themselves.

Apparently they were killed by the internet, which is stopping us making real friends and interacting normally. Number of expert opinions in article: 0. Amount of scientific research in said article: 0%. Percentage written by fucking ugly, buck-toothed arrogant bags of cunt who should be tethered to the bottom of the North Sea: 100%.

Apparently, violent videogames are also partly to blame. Like Manhunt 2.

Personally, I am more likely to be driven to murder by ill-informed bullshit journalism, so can Teeth-Porter please ban herself before a tragedy REALLY fucking happens?